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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

bluesarah trying to move on and out of the hole.
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, I am new to this and not sure I should even be here after reading others stories and experiences. I go up and down and when I am down all I want to do is stay in bed- It usually gets ignited by seeing my ex partner who is a very prominen... View more

Hi everyone, I am new to this and not sure I should even be here after reading others stories and experiences. I go up and down and when I am down all I want to do is stay in bed- It usually gets ignited by seeing my ex partner who is a very prominent person in my industry and is everywhere- this in turn makes me not want to go out (or if I do i drink excessively) and distrustful of my friends (as they are also friends/colleagues of his). I do not have a partner and get extremely lonely and thoughts fill me of unworthiness, lack of self esteem and basically think no-one wants me. I am 36 and get down when I don't want to leave the house because how will I find anyone if I don't. Very tired, just watching 80's films all day and feel that because I go up and down all the time I can't talk to anyone as they are tired of this. Sometimes I think if my ex wasn't around life would be so much better as I would compare myself to him. But he is and need strategies to let go, move on and feel worthy and to live this life which I know can be beautiful. Thankyou x

Geekaboo Post Breakup depression
  • replies: 6

Hi everyone. I'm new to the forums and I hope I'm posting this in the right place. I was diagnosed with depression at age 18, I'm now 27. I have only had 2 major relationships in my life, the first was very traumatic, abusive and unhealthy and took a... View more

Hi everyone. I'm new to the forums and I hope I'm posting this in the right place. I was diagnosed with depression at age 18, I'm now 27. I have only had 2 major relationships in my life, the first was very traumatic, abusive and unhealthy and took a long time to heal from. The second formed with a person who I knew in school who was very friendly and kind to me when he learned what I was going through. This second relationship was extremely complicated. In the beginning it was very casual, which I was fine with at the time as I wasn't looking for anything serious after the previous one. However over time I fell for him and then it got really messy. I moved to his city to pursue my career. He let me stay with him while I got on my feet. We slept in the same bed the entire time - which ended up being 2 years. In that time I played the part of the dutiful girlfriend. Eventually the relationship began to crumble as I was frustrated with his refusal to acknowledge our relationship - which was fantastic most of the time when he was not flirting with others - and he of course had his own grievances, most notably it would have been difficult to put up with my depression when he did not want to take responsibility for me as a girlfriend. I moved out into my own house and we continued sleeping together and seeing each other/talking regularly. After three and half years - despite the complications of the relationship, he was my best friend and I loved him very much. About six months after I moved out - we were still sleeping together - he began hanging out with a new group of friends, and a girls name began popping up in conversation more regularly. He dumped me on Easter Sunday, the day after they first got together, for her, so about six months ago now. My question is how have others dealt with depression after a break up? I am unsure how much of what I am going through is my existing depression and how much of it is the break up as it has been six months now. Also, how do you detach as I miss him terribly - he was my closest friend and confidant and although he would be up and down with me - sometimes I was the partner and sometimes I wasn't - we shared a lot together. A large part of me would want him in my life again, but I know that is not reasonable or healthy for me right now and I could not stomach being supportive of this new relationship as I am very hurt and betrayed.

volvodriver why does emotional pain feel so physically painful?
  • replies: 2

I'm 22 and 7 months ago my best friend of 9 years walked away from our friendship because her criminal drug-dealing boyfriend kept hitting on me in front of her. not once did i ever respond to his advances, in fact every time i rejected him and alway... View more

I'm 22 and 7 months ago my best friend of 9 years walked away from our friendship because her criminal drug-dealing boyfriend kept hitting on me in front of her. not once did i ever respond to his advances, in fact every time i rejected him and always tried to talk to her about how uncomfortable it made me, but in the end she chose him over me. i know im young and i have my whole life ahead of me, but to be honest, i was in love with her and to me it does seem like my life has changed. im in a relationship with the most wonderful guy, have been for over 3 years (yes even though i felt something for her instead), but im scared im only with him because i know that without him i dont have anyone else. thats not a good enough reason to stay is it? he's my best friend, my rock. he wouldn't stay friends with me if i broke his heart, i know this because ive tried to end it before. almost all of my friends have slipped away, they chose her side instead of mine, and its because she became so dependant on him and his drugs that it was out of worry for her life and safety. can i really be mad at them for caring about her survival? it hurts that they dont make time for me no matter how hard i try to organise a time to catchup. ive always been okay being left on my own, i could always entertain myself. but these days it just gets harder. i always look forward to night time cause my dreams are so much better than my life and i always have this weird hope that the next day will be better. i love my family and i have a great life, i really do, i've been so lucky and i've never taken anything for granted..but sometimes i cant help but feel so alone and my heart physically aches, sometimes so much that i end up crying for hours. i feel guilty for feeling like this when i know some people have real reasons to not be happy.

Zygote Lonely in a city of millions
  • replies: 7

I'm lying next to my wife right now, in bed. My kids are in the other room. I work in a gym and get to talk to people all day every day. Everyone seems to like me a lot. The thing is I have no friends. I have no social life. I have no one to confide ... View more

I'm lying next to my wife right now, in bed. My kids are in the other room. I work in a gym and get to talk to people all day every day. Everyone seems to like me a lot. The thing is I have no friends. I have no social life. I have no one to confide in. Everyday I go to Gloria Jeans or Starbucks before work and I sit there hoping I'll meet someone to make this feeling go away. Sometimes I do meet someone and talk to them, sometimes I just sit there for hours.I'm being treated for my anxiety but I can't be honest with them.I don't need help for that. I'm okay with that. But it is that bad often, tonight is really bad I don't know why.What I really need right now is someone to talk to but there's no one. My wife is in bed with me right now but we don't talk. Mostly she doesn't talk. Its like we have a wall between us. Whenever I tried to talk to her or ask her she closes off, goes quiet. We've been together since 1995 and I don't really even know her.Its very hard to describe the feeling, when its in print it seems pathetic. Its been so long though its wearing me down, the loneliness, anxiety, depression I get from both is very painful and I'mtired of it. I'm lonely lonely lonely lonely and I have no way to fix it. I'm trapped in my marriage, trapped in my body and I can't see any way to escape.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Phoenix2222 After Infidelity
  • replies: 4

I'm in my 50's. My 20 yr marriage was rocked when I discovered last year that my wife had a 12 month affair. It was over when I found out but could easily have started up again given what I read. There were many graphic texts and emails plus some pho... View more

I'm in my 50's. My 20 yr marriage was rocked when I discovered last year that my wife had a 12 month affair. It was over when I found out but could easily have started up again given what I read. There were many graphic texts and emails plus some photos. I put and end to the other bloke attempts to re-connect and also exposed him to his wife. He took out an AVO against me which was dismissed in court. My wife's attitude was that I had brought it on myself. Things had gone bad. The main thing is that I don't blame myself but I can see how my pedantic anxiety ridden personality, grumpiness and critical remarks helped create the landscape where this was possible. What has been revealed is that I have been a long term depressive. I had become angry and overweight, unhappy with my life. She earns the bulk of the family income but has a drinking problem. I was hoping and expecting some genuine remorse from her and possibly some counselling to re-ignite the spark and bring us closer. In reality after 18 months she has done nothing. She just can't do it. We had not been intimate in more than 1 year and when we finally were intimate recently she was hardly involved. I gave up and said don't worry about it. I have been going to the gym, working many more hours (having spent years as Mr Mum and working part time) and tried my hardest to be a better man. The thing is that nothing has changed from her end. The end result is that I have continued to do counselling on my own and had to completely re-examine my life. I'm still in a world of pain but I keep going. It's tough when you do not feel admired or loved in the way you feel you deserve. I thought I would post here to get some feed back and maybe some advice. I am still plagued by triggers of her affair and feelings of revenge against this low life who snuck in under the radar and how willing my wife was to be part of it. The humiliation is massive but I keep fighting it. Anyway thanks for reading. There is a lot to say about this but the main thing is how this incident revealed me to myself. A kind of blessing in disguise for personal growth but an awful lesson. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Thanks.

Pete81 Tired and lacking the will
  • replies: 6

Its been a while since I posted things have been up but probably more down than anything. But hey I still here! I'm still going through hell with my ex and not being able to spend much time with my kids. But the little bit of time I do get to see the... View more

Its been a while since I posted things have been up but probably more down than anything. But hey I still here! I'm still going through hell with my ex and not being able to spend much time with my kids. But the little bit of time I do get to see them it does brighten me up a little. Last week it just all got too much I hadn't been able to spend anytime with them for nearly two and a half months got knocked back when I wanted to see them over the school holidays just shattered me. So last Thursday I decided enough was enough I was going to take a few days off and make the 7 hour drive to see them all I wanted to do was see there smile and hug them one last time. so Thursday I cleaned out my house sorted everything washed everything with the intention of not coming back and ending it. Until things seemed to have settled down enough I could see them for a couple hours and they then came and had a fish and chips with me for tea. Just seeing them melted me and I couldn't go ahead with what I wanted. It was a close call it just seemed at the time pointless to go on. I'm still not 100% I'm verytired all the time my memory is terrible and just exhausted but I can at least see a glimmer of light again. I will post more later as I'm out of time and must return to work for the day. sorry if this is a bit disjointed have typed it in rather a rush. Pete beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

Luttes my wife truly despises me and has no tolerance for my depression
  • replies: 14

Been reading about it for years, been diagnosed with it now, been lurking this forum and others for months, been trying to ride the tide and not drown.Now I don't know what's left. Now I believe that my wife truly despises me and has no tolerance for... View more

Been reading about it for years, been diagnosed with it now, been lurking this forum and others for months, been trying to ride the tide and not drown.Now I don't know what's left. Now I believe that my wife truly despises me and has no tolerance for my condition, for my illness. Realistically, the only thing that has stopped me from topping myself is my two boys. Aside from that, I feel like a walking, breathing curse, like I'm good for nothing. My step-daughter hates me as well and naturally has supported her mother kicking me out of the bedroom. I've tried so hard to apologise to all involved and it means nothing to any of them. I thought my meds were working, but knowing how much my wife holds me responsible for everything that has gone wrong in her life - as though I deliberately planned it - there's nothing to help me through this.The one person I want to comfort me refuses to. I can't stop hating myself.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Girl_Anachronism How can I forget your love?
  • replies: 10

I lost a seven year relationship, six months ago. How do you move on? How do you keep going everyday, knowing you don't want them, you don't want anyone new, but you can't stand to be lonely? When does this gaping hole in my chest stop hurting? How d... View more

I lost a seven year relationship, six months ago. How do you move on? How do you keep going everyday, knowing you don't want them, you don't want anyone new, but you can't stand to be lonely? When does this gaping hole in my chest stop hurting? How do you be lonely and accept that loneliness, accept yourself? GA

Lost_amp_Confused unhappy relationship
  • replies: 6

Hi, Im 30 and have been with my partner for just on 10 years. We are each others first relationship. Along the way we've had our ups and downs but gotten thru it mostly. I have suffered untreated depression for the last few years. We have had trust i... View more

Hi, Im 30 and have been with my partner for just on 10 years. We are each others first relationship. Along the way we've had our ups and downs but gotten thru it mostly. I have suffered untreated depression for the last few years. We have had trust issues in the past with him being unfaithful but he swears he has thought about it but never has. I have recently discovered my partner is very close with a female colleague at his work. She is married with 2 kids. He is constantly messaging her and calling her when im not around. After some snooping I have found they are chatting very chummy. Last week I overheard a hushed conversation and whispering sweetly to her. I have confronted him a few times in the last week but he is maintaining they just work together and confide in each other. He says they have 'a lot in common". Last night I confronted him again, he has been unhappy in our relationship for a while now but I never knew how much. Now he is saying he loves me more than anything but wonders if love is enough. He talks about us getting married and building a house and the future yet he is talking to this woman more than he talks to me! (or so it feels that way). He is questioning whether we have just grown apart. Our routine is very mundane as we have a lot of financial issues to deal with as well. I don't feel as tho we have grown apart, just going through a rough patch. He doesn't know what he needs to make him happy and I now confused and lost. What I thought was getting back on track seems to be going the other way for him. I have no family and no friends as we relocated interstate a few years ago and we have both found it hard to have friendships outside of work. Ive lost touch with all my friends and have no one I can talk to. I just don't know what to do. I want to fight for this man with everything ive got. I'm so scared its not going to work out I feel sick to my stomach constantly and am going insane with imagining all the things they could be doing when im not there. After 10 years of being my other half, I will fall apart completely without him. Thank you for listening.

this_too_shall_pass A story of a shattered heart
  • replies: 7

Hi all. I have recently gone through a breakup with a man who battles with depression. He said he cant be with anybody, which I can believe, but I suspect there was more. He often mentioned maybe we got together for the wrong reasons, but I never did... View more

Hi all. I have recently gone through a breakup with a man who battles with depression. He said he cant be with anybody, which I can believe, but I suspect there was more. He often mentioned maybe we got together for the wrong reasons, but I never did believe that. We would of been resentful,hurtful, or fought. We never did. He had a temper, directed at himself, & I was the only one who calmed him. He hasn't had anyone in his life that stuck by him like I did. I know he never used me, but I know he took me for granted. I also know deep down our relationship revolved around him, not us, & I gave so much of myself up to him. He has 2 beautiful girls that I became very attached to & wasn't allowed to say goodbye to them. I know I wasn't their mum but it hurt to think that he didn't care to give me the opportunity to get some closure on a big part of my existence for the last 15 months. He seems to have no grief over the separation, but then again, he always hides from emotions the deeper his depression becomes. I know for a fact my help was too much, he is a very proud man & I think I smothered him with my good inentions. We've stopped communication, at his doing because he needs space. He has called every shot in this break up & I've been understanding, yet screaming inside. As I write this, it all seems so clear cut. Pick up the pieces & move on. He cant care for you right now, let him go. What happens if you know of all this but cant do it? I am strong girl, but for some reason this has hit me so hard that I cant seem to breathe. Its been almost 2 months. I thought last week I was getting there, I got back into kickboxing, I made plans with friends, I even did the post-breakup new wardrobe shop. But I stopped for a moment, and it all came back. It guess it doesn't feel right, this break up. I would love to hear from anyone who's emotions, mind and heart hasn't seem to caught up to the reality of knowing its over. How do you get through each day? Its getting harder each day that passes. I'm not eating, I struggle to not to cry. My house looks like a tornado has gone through it twice - and I'm a neat freak. I get through each day just to go to sleep at night, which is tormented by nightmares. At what point does one get herself to the doctor? Or do I keep getting up each day with the vague hope that one day Ill get my spring back? They all say there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure there is many on here who don't believe that like I don't.