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Them,him, her, me

Community Member

So this will be my first post outside my introductory 1 so bare with me whilst I try to explain my situation as I'm not sure as to what I am expecting by telling you about this all but am sure I need to get it off my chest..it's complicated to say the least.

Recently there has been a divide between my family & it keeps coming full circle and landing at my door with every lie told by others. I don't lie.

I moved back to my home town , prior to this there has been a death that has hit our family hard - so much has changed within our family. My mother & siblings seem to have changed for the worst with me "feeling" like I am on the crappy end of the stick for the most part of it, with the rest of the family seemingly a bit disconnected & also lost in their grief.

So to try explain how these lies & behaviours that have come full circle to my door i need to make you all aware of how it landed on my mat to start with- firstly I am opinionated and have been bought up to stand up for what I believe in. I am emotionally strong but this has all made me want to walk away. I had an opinion about this following situation - it got blown out of proportion. I have some how ended losing (if that's the proper word for it) I don't feel very good to say the least.

My brother & his partner are gay hence needing a surrogate. They found 1 luckily & chose her with little thought of her moral standing. I have warning to them- I know this women well & am aware of her less desirable past and current behaviours - much to her & my brothers disgust. Hence their reasoning for keeping everything including the actual pregnancy from me. There are things that I know that would have changed their mind about utilising her offer. They also are under the opinion that Because I am unable to have more children that makes me apparently poor equiped to deal or contribute positively to this situation in their eyes. This judgement is unfair.

This women has spun lies to my family , and successfully til now. My siblings/mother were asked to keep the game pregnancy a secret from me & the fact that it wasn't my brothers dna so to not rock the boat and her to ensure a smooth sail. All the while condemning & ostrisizing me from anything to do with them. I called them out on lies & it got worse for me & my young son. I felt & feel left out of our normally close knit family . I don't know how to help my situation or if I really want to be apart of this ugliness anymore - Help guys ;(

2 Replies 2

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Georgia~

I guess you have already been welcomed by Geoff, Paul & Mary, never-mind, welcome here too. I can understand your feelings and your sense of frustration and having been put to one side very much comes out in your words. Incidentally you paint quite a clear picture.

I'm not sure I can give you much in the way of positive thoughts. From the looks of it your brother and his partner have made their arrangements and are happy to continue with them, even going to the extent of being unprepared to listen to your advice.

As you mother appears to agree with them I don't think anything you can say is going to make a difference. I have the idea that you may already know this and are hoping against hope that someone here can pull a rabbit out of a hat, and produce an fresh tactic. I frankly don't know of any, maybe somebody else here does.

I do know that rearing a child does not stop at the birth - no matter who is the biological mother. Your brother and partner are going to find out all the pressures (and joys) of bringing up a child. I also think (just my opinion) that whilst a child's DNA might be significant the way he or she is bought up, particularly with love and stability, makes a huge difference.

As an experienced mother yourself I would not be surprised if you, and also your mother, did not end up having a big part to play as auntie and granny for this infant.

Sometimes we can only watch others we love make decisions we think are for the worse and stand ready to help when the time comes. Maybe in view of the attitudes you spoke about now is not the time to continue to be forthright with uncomfortable truths. What do you think?

On the up-side you do say you were brought up to be honest and realistic, and also that your family is normally close knit. Both make it sound like your family is worth cutting some slack - again your thoughts would be good.

As a final remark I have no idea about the legalities of surrogate motherhood in your area, I do know that it can at times be problematic with disputes between the birth mother and the proposed recipients. Should things not pan out as planned I think your family may well need a fair degree of support.

I admit to being prejudiced in thinking family is most important, it is a very large part of my life and no doubt that influences my thinking.

We would be very pleased if you came back and said more, you will be met with understanding.


Community Member

Thank you for your understanding Croix x x

So to even playing field ad create a transparency for all in regards to this story I must point out this surrogate played my brother and my siblings & mother for fools and making calls on how she expected things to go in relation to this pregnancy. She went as far as to say I wasn't to be apart of this child's life if my brother wanted to take it on as his own (she does NOT and did not want another to add to her already other 5 children). She really did I number on all.

My advice ; yes fell on deaf ears- I'm not angry they didn't take my advice I am hurt beyond belief to be portrayed in such a negative light and still even afyer the fact and it's all come out they still do not think they should afford me an apology. This set of circumstances has extended beyond their little "click" and is affecting my sons relationship with his "nan " and the rest of his Aunty and uncles'. i just learnt not 2 hours ago of a long standing secret regarding missing monies also ... the blame again put at my door as I knew about the large sums where abouts when it went missing) this missing money is from like 2 yrs ago that no one mentioned to me). Again they all knew about it except me - pointing fingers my way without actually having ANY proof. I am shaking as I type this - I'm dumbfounded and gutted.

So there is more but I'm not sure if I should elaborate about it all because it's long winded. Any how I must get back to work I will talk soon guys 😉