Relationship Troubles

[sunflower2337]

Hello, I feel like I’m at my all time lowest when I come on here and I just don’t know what to do. Me and my partner resolved our problems but the last month has been a lot. He has always been making it about himself and when ever I do something so minor he blows up. I forget what I said and I try to repeat it or I don’t repeat it word.for. Word I am now a liar and a manipulator. I stutter when I’m talking I have to apologise profusely because god forbid someone stuttering and I’m at my breaking point. We had a huge fight the other night and stayed apart for the night. During the day the following day he was mentioning he was feeling unwell so I try to do something nice and get him some things I know will help him feel better. I also pick up his favourite food on the way home for him to then get into an argument because I accidentally talked over him even though I quickly apologised but it wasn’t good enough. I went to do my sets of apologies he always demand because that’s the only way to resolve things is in a set and I stuttered so I cleared my throat he got even angrier and threw his drink I bought him all over the floor up the walls up the dresser everywhere. I tried to talk to him calmly and address the situation before I stormed out. We both care about each other so much and I can not picture my life without him. I’m just stuck on what to do and where to go. I feel like there isn’t a future but he is literally my best friend. We have everything planned out together and are almost celebrating our 3 year anniversary and even went and looked at engagement rings. We are so close but these hiccups sometimes blow up huge and I just don’t know what to do. Couples counseling isn’t an option. He won’t talk he just likes to ignore and I feel like I have no one to reach out too. I’ve talked to his sister about parts of it but I just don’t want to bother her or drag her into the issues. 

[quirkywords]

Sunflower

I can relate to your situation. It is hard when a partner gets angry very quickly calls you names and is always  right and demands apologies.

It is exhausting and tiring. Only you can decide what you are prepared to cope with.

Does your partner behave in a supportive and kind way at least half the time. 
Can you talk to someone.
You are not alone and we are listening. 

[therising]

Hi sunflower2337

You sound like a beautiful deeply feeling person. Your partner is lucky to have you in his life, someone who cares and feels so deeply.

Some of the things we can feel, if we're sensitive enough to be able to feel them

• A depressing level of emotional detachment, when our partner severs an emotional connection in order to serve themself. This can sound like 'I don't want to talk about it', as they form an emotional connection with whatever is playing on the tv
• A depressing level of feeling left alone to work things out
• A depressing degree of self sacrifice, when it comes to a lot of the sacrifices we can be making while not necessarily being conscious of them

and the list can go on.

With a depressing degree of self sacrifice, it can sound a little like 'If I don't rock the boat, if I don't talk about what's going to fuel the adventurer in me (that leads to adventures), if I don't talk about what's going to serve the imaginative part of me (that drives me to imagine and want to discuss future plans and goals together) or if I don't discuss what's going to help me work with the part of me that's pushing me to evolve into an even greater version of myself while also growing the relationship, we're all good. As long as I suppress or sacrifice those parts of myself, not a problem'. I found it can eventually be felt as a problem, a depressing one. If the adventurer in us leads us to feel joy, the imaginative part of us leads us to feel excitement and the part of us that pushes us to feel love for our self in new and evolving ways are all sacrificed, we can be sacrificing a sense of joy, excitement and self love. If we're going to push or fight for a greater sense of joy, push or fight for more excitement and push or fight for the opportunities that come with developing self love, it can definitely create issues. Should add, some things are worth fighting for.

The following is not intended as a criticism, it's simply based on pure observation (without emotion skewing things): As long as I'm not pushing or fighting for something and as long as my husband's not being challenged in any significant way, he's happy. Relationships can be full of challenges we're designed to work through and evolve through together. If we're doing most of the work and trying to evolve through and beyond challenges in the relationship on our own, this becomes highly questionable as well as being incredibly hard. I can recall saying to my husband at one point 'You know, some of your behaviours are seriously depressing', to which he responded with 'No, they're not'. My response to that was 'Yes, they are. I know they are because I can feel them. I can also feel you in denial'. I've learned to trust what I feel, as opposed to being led to doubt myself. If we can feel a put down, a shut down or any other kind of down, there's no denying that this kind of stuff can eventually lead us down into a depression. On the other hand, raisers definitely have a whole different vibe to them. 🙂❤️