Relationship Troubles

[sunflower2337]

Hello, 

i feel silly posting about it however i am so unsure of what to do moving forward. I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years and i absolutely adore him and do everything together. However since my surgery earlier in the year he has seemed to have been controlling. (I’m not sure if that is the right word) during my surgery a whole lot of things went down and ever since then i feel as if our relationship has been damaged. Lately it’s been getting worse and i constantly feel as if i walking on egg shells. I can play part in some of the wrong and i admit that as i can also not be very nice  sometimes but whenever I upset him (whether it be I didn’t talk loud enough for him to hear me, i said something on an even number (he may have OCD) or little things like that) he demands 3 apologies every time and sometimes they just completely blow up because when i do apologise he doesn’t like it or it’s not an uneven number. I have been called a c*** and also an ass**** on multiple occasions. We have been arguing every single day so far for almost 3 weeks now and somehow it always ends up being my fault and I’m the one breaking down apologising (in sets of 3) for upsetting him, hurting his feelings etc. he can be loving and caring majority of the time but it’s like a switch flips and he becomes a totally different person every now and then and I just don’t know what to do going forward. I feel as if because of this situation it is ruining my relationships with family members. My mum feels uncomfortable in her home because of certain situations etc and I just really am stuck in what to do. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm sorry but the bulk of your issues with your NF might not be resolved here as overall there isnt enough information. Did something occur when you had your surgery if you were hospitalised? Or was that just coincidence? 

This seems a classic case of requiring relationship counselling. There is just too many things going on and hurling abuse from both sides isnt going to help. Perhaps a reset, sit down and talk without raising your voice. The wearing is not acceptable and I've never seen any relationship benefit and move forward when name calling has occurred.

It's brave of you admitting you arent nice sometimes, so have you assessed why that is the case? That issue plus his seemingly stubbornness stance and name calling if taken separately might be flaws that wont assist any relationship to survive. Often in these cases people can go from relationship to relationship carrying the same flaws believing the next person will "be different" until under similar pressure the cycle restarts.

I have a thread below that I developed many years ago. It is a promise to each other you might want to try out and if you both adhere to it, just might work.

Relationship strife? the peace pipe - Beyond Blue Forums - 315496

I'm sorry you are feeling terrible about this situation. By you apologizing so often that could be a sign he still isnt happy and needs more and more which might be a sign to move on. If a partner is trying to rekindle the flame and it isnt going anywhere, and your efforts are ignored, it isnt a positive sign.

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear Sunflower2337~

I'd like to join TonyWK in welcoming you here to the Forum. What Tony has recommended, counceling, makes a lot of sense as sometimes somebody outside a relationship may be able to  get each party to realise what they value.

I guess if you have had a serious operation a partner may indeed seem controlling for a while. I know in my own case my partner had a hip done and I constantly nagged they should use their  crutches for the prescribed period so as not to strain the healing joint.

This was done with my partner's welfare at heart, and any arguments were not serious as they could see my intentions were good. True we both used straightforward language but not to the extent you quote. Neither of us were 'walking on eggshells'

There are a couple of thngs that worry me about your account. The first is it does sound controlling. One favorite trick is to blow hot and cold, lavish seeming affection at one time then withdraw it and be cold the next. It mkaes the other party, naturally enough, try to please them to get back to the  affection that has been switched off.

Similarly isolate them by discouraging connections wiht family and friends, thus making them more dependent

The other tihng is the weird emphasis on numbers, which strikes me as unusual to say the least. One genuine apology is enough, it does not need to be three. Saying something 'on an even number' seems ot have no reason behind it.

It also looks like you are doing the heavy lifting with apologies and modifying your behaviour - not good, it should be an equal partnership

As well arguing all the time makes life miserable for everyone.

Apart from your partner is there anyone else in your life to give you support? Maybe a family member or friend? They do not have to 'fix' things, just listen as you speak frankly and show they care. Trying to cope with all this in your own is extra hard.

Your family members are important, and no one person should make them want to distance themselves from you - if nothing else it shows their lack of concern for your happiness.

I realy would like it if you felt like coming back here and talking some more

Croix