Relationship problems, porn addiction

[Caiteyb]

Okay, so i have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years, and I feel we have a pretty good relationship, we have our ups and downs but we learn and grow from them, usually. 

Buttt, about 3 or 4 months ago I found out about his porn addiction, he had been exposed at a very young age (like 7) so this thing was pretty cemented in his life, not something he can just get over. I was upset of course (mostly because he had hid it for so long, but also cause porn just isn't appropriate to watch in a relationship in my opinion) but I was and still am willing to work through it with him as partners, and he said he was willing too. 

The problem arrises with the fact that right away he said he had quit, cold Turkey, which I suppose is possible but I really doubt it, and everytime I try to bring it up he gets quiet and says he's quit so he's not sure why we're talking about it, but I think it's something we absolutely need to talk about, plus I have seen movement in his Twitter accounts he used for this content, and he's trying to tell me it must be a glitch or he's hacked but I'm not stupid, and know that's unlikely.

I don't know how to talk to him about this without it seeming accusatory, I want to go about this the right way, but when he's refusing any attempt of a solid, honest communication I don't know how. 

I'm going insane about it, like it's consuming me, it's daily I'm trying to find a new account he's hiding from me, he won't let me go near his phone so I'm scared it's not just porn he's hiding. I feel hopeless to be honest, I love him so much and I don't want this of all things to be our downfall, if anyone has gone through anything similar to this, please help me before I go more crazy than I already have 

[Guest_47422751]

Sadly I can relate to your issue. My previous husband had a porn addiction. I didn’t know how to handle it either. I spent a lot of time just hoping it would all go away/resolve/be better tomorrow. We didn’t have sex for  15 years (including when we had children, through IVF). It was crazy. I loved him and he loved me, but we didn’t get him support (although I tried). What I learned being out of that relationship (sadly he died from a chronic illness) was how much I had grown to resent his behaviour and how that affected our relationship. I really struggled to be sad that he had died - I only felt relief. I am now happily remarried and we have a foundation of strong communication. We both know that the secret to marriage is to talk about it, respect each other and to work together to resolve problems. It sounds like your boyfriend isn’t respecting you (both with his behaviour and his communication). You can only change your behaviour, so you have choices - you can stay and try and work it out with him through communication and requesting him to be open, honest and potentially get help, or you can leave him to it and find someone who will give you the respect you deserve. His addiction is about him, not you, but as you can’t control what he does, he has to work out what’s more important to him and if he can’t prioritize you/your relationship over his additiction, you may be better off finding someone who cherishes you, as you deserve to be cherished. I found this and I am so grateful every day. I stayed with my first husband way too long - I didn’t have the guts to leave. But I also don’t regret my time with him - we were happy (enough) and had a good life (of sorts). Only you can decide what you want and how you want your life to be. Whether he’s prepared to work at being in your life in the way you’d like him to is up to him. Sometimes love is not enough… Be strong for yourself. Work out what you want and how you’re going to go about getting it. If that’s with him, he has to want it too. You can’t build a life together without trust and respect - it’s is a recipe for disaster! PS. Don’t go hunting for the evidence. You know he’s up to ‘no good’ from his secretive behaviour. Knowing for sure doesn’t change it - it just hurts more. Communication and respect for/from both of you. Otherwise, what’s the point?

[Caiteyb]

Hey, sorry for taking forever to reply back, he is in fact still watching porn like I thought, he's said he's gonna seek professional help but I'm honestly not sure if im willing to stick around and see change, your reply genuinely helped me, thank you