Partner who lacks empathy

Guest_10336

My Partner has no capacity to care about anyone and does not let anyone in to care about him. I wonder whether there's anything more I can do? I've tried having open discussions with him but he doesn't want to process anything that I'm trying to express. I'm dealing with a brick wall here literally. What upsets me the most is the way that he does not treat his very elderly parents with kindness.

white knight

Hi Amanda, welcome

A major issue we deal with here at BBis lack of understanding and indeed empathy by those that dont have any idea about mental illness. I have a very good friend but as soon as I mention bipolar or depression or even basic anxiety he replies "I dont know much about that". I feel like yelling out "because you choose not to know". But its more than that, its often that they dont have the capacity to fathom the concept.

One good example- an astronaut returns from walking on the moon, they throw a party. He gets up for a speech and describes the experience. How many would understand his experience fully? zero! How many would have some idea? 2% (those that have flown their own plane perhaps) and how many could imagine what it could be like? 5%... the rest- nope. No idea.

Empathy comes under that banner and the bad news is- it is usually not learned later on in life, its learned as a child or is automatically part of your makeup. So you cant "teach" him that and its too hard to learn hence why he doesnt process it. It could be different to grief though, when his parents pass away he could feel open grief or private grief.

IMO the important thing here is- does his lack of empathy also result is not caring for you as a partner or is it just his parents he doesnt care for? The ultimate test could be when you go into hospital for an operation- how much concern would he have? Would he visit often enough? flowers? go out of his way? what about when you are exhausted from work and you're doing housework does he remain relaxed and doesnt notice you are tired and need help or do you have to ask him for some? If his lack of empathy is effecting you personally and causing part of your relationship to feel hollow then its an issue that will fester eventually and such a large gap might be pivotal to your future.

Finally, you obviously care for your inlaws and thats really great but being his parents his deficiency of emapthy is a problem that you can drift away from as its really his responsibility. I say this because for a long time my wife's father (dec) was distant to her and she showed little interest. Once I got down to the real reason it turned out that he often chased her when she was young and scared her. Those scars remained. They are events that she didnt outwardly mention to me but were mental scars that overall reflected her relationship. So it becomes a personal choice justified or not. Best to be yourself with others and let him be himself... sad as it seems.

I hope that clarifies things and thankyou for posting. Reply anytime to talk further.

TonyWK

Guest_10336

Thank you TonyWK. I find your reply very comforting & reassuring. Yes I agree with you totally. Well he's a very good operator in getting the job done but with zero "customer service" mentality; whereas my focus is more on kindness & doing things with a smile (even if it's a longer process). All I can do is spread my kindness wherever I can and teach my kids. My kids can certainly see the difference. I just need to distract myself and try not to let his ways upset me. It is a very sad situation.

sbella02

Hey there,

Thank you so much for sharing this with us, and we warmly welcome you to the forums. Goodness, that sounds so frustrating, I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.

I'm wondering whether this is something that has recently come about or whether this has always been the case? Depending on different life experiences, sometimes we can experience this thing called compassion fatigue, which describes when we are exposed to such a high volume of situations where we must be compassionate and understanding that we become overwhelmed, and our ability to feel and show compassion shuts down. If he used to be quite empathetic and has recently been through something traumatic or challenging, this can also reduce his ability to feel and show empathy.

If this has been more of a long-term trait that you've noticed, that's really tough. I suppose it then becomes about evaluating how important this quality is to you. It sounds to me like you may be quite empathetic and compassionate. Is it important to you to keep people around you who are the same way? Is this a dealbreaker for you, or something that you're willing to look past?

While we cannot "teach" other people empathy, we can invite them to reflect on how kind they are in their everyday interactions. I will also mention that there is a difference between being nice and being kind, where being nice (e.g. greeting people, asking how they are) can often be seen as shallow and performative if it's not also accompanied by kindness, which is where you're doing nice things for people (e.g. driving them somewhere, giving someone flowers, remembering small details about them and their interests).

Would you say that he does either of these things? If he's not necessarily showing kindness, is he at least being nice/polite to others at all?

If you're comfortable having another open and honest conversation with him about this, it may be worth mentioning that you've noticed him treating other people such as his elderly parents in a certain way that may not align with your values, and that you're wondering why. This can be a difficult conversation to navigate, but his response may tell you a lot about his thought processes and insight into his own lack of kind behaviour.

I hope this helps, please feel free to keep chatting with us as we're here to support you.

All the best, SB

Guest_10336

Thank you SB. I like what you said about being nice vs being kind. I agree with this totally. He is capable of being nice but I would not regard him as kind. He doesn't see the value in doing things with a good-heart. Just as he does not show empathy to others, he does not show much appreciation/gratitude when others go the extra mile for him either. Yes he might be overwhelmed right now, which makes things worse when his kindness-meter did not start at the max to begin with. A conversation will work only if it's a 2-way exchange. The fact that he does not want to process what other people say (whether it's me or his parents) just blocks everything. I think I just need to carry-on and keep myself sane. It's not pleasant but I am OK. Thanks.