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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team keeps the Forums anonymous, posts are still online for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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white knight DOMINATING PARENTS- long term effects
  • replies: 0

It took many years as a young adult for me to see clearly that compared to many other people I was severely affected by a dominating mother. I thought I'd overcome it and move on, it wasnt that simple, I'm 70yo now and it's still a major issue regard... View more

It took many years as a young adult for me to see clearly that compared to many other people I was severely affected by a dominating mother. I thought I'd overcome it and move on, it wasnt that simple, I'm 70yo now and it's still a major issue regardless that my mother passed 7 months ago (93) and I hadnt seen her for the last 13 years. The best help I received wasnt from therapy nor other family members assessments but a book called "walking on eggshells by Dr Christine Lawson, or, if you aren't a reader google "witch queen hermit waif". Those 4 characters are the ones you can encounter with a Borderline Personality Disorder parent 1,2,3 or all 4. But for those that have BPD its not a witch hunt, if you are getting treatment and have self awareness then you are more than capable of being a great parent. So what are the situations that are not avoidable with the child of a dominating parent that has these poor qualities? These parent could provide well, never hit you, take an interest in your schooling etc but mentally they own you and you never live up to their expectations. As a married adult with children of your own you'll struggle through life feeling you are never good enough. That leads to feeling you are criticised all the time when most of those comments aimed at you are mere suggestions. eg Me "I've made lunch let sit on the swing seat and eat it"Wife "I would but you never clean it" (its my outdoor job)Me "oh, thanks, after I made us lunch thats the thanks I get"Wife "it wasnt a criticism it was a fact and its ok" Now lets not look into that fact she could clean it herself etc, its merely an example. Yes, overreaction is often, sensitivity uncontrolled and possibly why I've ended up a HSP (highly sensitive person). But I've noticed even my mothers passing doesnt change this feeling. I've often said to myself "my mother will haunt me from the grave, the pierced lips, the frown, the huffing... In fact whenever a older female does any of those things I say straight away "if I wanted my mother here I'd bring her along". If I didnt hit home with that saying I'd dwell on that moment for days. Whereas to counter the dominance, the lack of acceptance is to reverse the hurt and that is not regretful at all. I've learned that it is best to confront aggression/lack of approval with the same, few words and high impact to revenge your rights or you'll be walked over. Defence by equal aggression is good. Thats how you survive a dominating parent long term. TonyWK

1263 Is it anxiety or am I right to feel distrust
  • replies: 2

Hiim middle aged and by all accounts had a good marriage. We’ve always had businesses and our last few years in a new business adventure I was not actively involved, although our daughter was. Over the last approximately two years I have felt my husb... View more

Hiim middle aged and by all accounts had a good marriage. We’ve always had businesses and our last few years in a new business adventure I was not actively involved, although our daughter was. Over the last approximately two years I have felt my husband was becoming closer to one of our key staff members, someone he has had to work closely with. I had mentioned on a few occasions that I felt this person was relying more heavily on him and it was a bit concerning for me. My husband either dismissed or denied my concerns, which didn’t make me feel any easier about the situation. (I may add we’ve never been in this situation before!). There were several small incidents I felt uncomfortable about but tried to rationalise my thoughts. We decided to sell the business which gave me a sense of relief as I thought it would put my feelings and doubts at ease, however I later found a message he had sent to this woman to catch up for a “lunch date” . I may have been okay with this if he told me but he didn’t and I admit I checked his phone messages as I had a feeling something was not quite right. He firstly denied he had been in contact and then when I pointed out his message he said he’d forgotten he’d sent her the message, which had been over a month as we’d been away. I felt so deceived and my trust eroded more and more as time went on, I felt there were times he was being a bit protective of his computer and phone. I also felt that he was possibly ringing this person but deleting any evidence. I’ve always been trusting of my husband but because of my earlier concerns and his gaslighting and accusations of me being paranoid my trust has completely eroded. I want our marriage to last, we’ve been together 40 years but I’m struggling to see past this incident. I’m not sure if my instincts are correct or if I’m now suffering from anxiety, which is what he tells me. He has also said he wants to work things out and get on with our lives, and that this woman means nothing nor does he have any contact with her. He did eventually apologise for not listening to my concerns previously and said he understands where I’m coming from. I just wish I could believe him again. I also made him delete her from FB, and any other social media etc, but I know there are other ways, and he uses his computer quite regularly. He also said a few months later he’d do a lie detector test, his idea not mine, which he did and passed. But the 3 questions i put forward were the same three he’d denied many times before, so I felt he was either very comfortable with the answers or he was telling the truth? His smugness at passing didn’t help my doubts. (I know this was extreme but he wanted to do it).im afraid that I could push him away if I’m wrong about everything but sometimes it’s not what he says but rather little actions that don’t seem normal to me.I have been to counselling which appeared to be going well until my first psychotherapy session, at the end of it she said she didn’t believe I needed to go see her anymore and had cancelled my next appointment!?? I was completely blindsided. I did send her a message later thanking her for her time and asking her to explain how our session related to my situation etc. I received a phone call but I am still none the wiser. I won’t return to her. I’m not sure if anyone can make sense of my situation but I’m feeling that maybe I’m to blame for my situation, which my husband says constantly. He is convinced it’s menopausal and anxiety and that I need further professional help. I don’t deny I am needing help now as this has been going on for over a year and I’m no closer to a resolution. But am I really to blame or are my instincts correct?

ShaSha Defeated
  • replies: 1

The day my grandkids burst thru the front door traumatised was the last straw. My DIL drove the car at 160kms with my son in the passenger seat and two grandchildren in the back seat. I was devastated. She could have killed them all. They were anxiou... View more

The day my grandkids burst thru the front door traumatised was the last straw. My DIL drove the car at 160kms with my son in the passenger seat and two grandchildren in the back seat. I was devastated. She could have killed them all. They were anxious, panicked and frightened for their lives so I took them in and looked after them for the night. Since then my DIL has been on a destructive rampage to destroy my son. Staging photographs and choreographing arguments to create false evidence to have my son charged with assault and get a FVSO in place to kick him out of the house. I am shocked beyond belief at the trail of devastation she has left in her wake. For the past year my son has been dragged through the law courts, interrogated by police who assume he is guilty based on her say so, which consists mainly of lies, distortions and projections, despite protesting his innocence. He has been forced to plead guilty to false charges to try and get his life back and protect the children from appearing as witnesses against their mother. She is a violent drunk who was recently diagnosed with Autism and ADHD, who takes medication to manage her conditions, on top of using recreational drugs To give you some idea of how dangerous she is, I have photos of the times my DIL tried to bite my son’s thumbs off, and bit a chunk of flesh out of his back. She has been emasculating him for years, and is now trying to paint a target on his back so that some random stranger will beat him up by tarnishing his reputation and portraying him as a women beater. Now she has her sights set on me, doing everything she can to destroy my relationship with my son to distance him from his support network and separate me from my two beautiful grandkids who are scared of their mother. I suspect my DIL is a narcissist because her moves are text book. It was when she accused me of trying to weaponise the legal system that I woke up to how dangerous she is, a term I had never heard until she said it and I did some research. So I sought a protection order for my own safety, but defending myself, and trying to stop her interfering in my relationships, by using contact with me to punish my son as a way of depriving him of access with the children has back fired. I feel I have no choice but to let go and start living without three of the most important people in my life. Needless to say, I am heart broken. This is tearing my son and my grandchildren apart. If anyone has sound advice on how to cope with this situation, I welcome your input.

DGMN How to overcome with overthink and jealousy.
  • replies: 1

This all started about a year ago, when my husband joined a music class. He has always loved music, so he wanted to learn more and develop his skills. The class was run by a married couple we already knew.At some point, the husband of the teacher lef... View more

This all started about a year ago, when my husband joined a music class. He has always loved music, so he wanted to learn more and develop his skills. The class was run by a married couple we already knew.At some point, the husband of the teacher left her. After that, she started talking to my husband more — especially about her marriage problems. My husband was a good listener and very supportive of her during that time.At first, I felt jealous. I told my husband how I was feeling, and he reassured me that he was only trying to help her. He told me not to worry, and I believed him. But even after that conversation, the calls and chats between them didn’t stop. He shared some of their conversations with me, but I started to feel like he wasn’t telling me everything. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right.When I brought it up again, he said he sees her as a sister and doesn’t want to end the friendship. But they were spending a lot of time talking — messaging, calling, sharing photos, and even having long video calls. That made me feel even more uncomfortable and annoyed, and we started fighting about it more often.At first, he used to reassure me. But over time, he stopped engaging in the conversations. Now, whenever I try to express my jealousy or concerns, he becomes silent and avoids the topic.Recently, another male friend joined their circle. The three of them now constantly share their life updates, photos, and personal moments. They talk all the time. When I see my husband with her — even in person — I try to act kind and polite, even though I feel really uncomfortable deep down. I don’t want to embarrass my husband, so I hide how I really feel.The truth is, I feel incredibly lonely. My husband used to be my best friend — the one I could talk to about anything. Now I feel like I don’t have anyone to share my real emotions with. I feel pushed away and disconnected.Because of all our arguments about this, the closeness between us has faded. There’s no intimacy, no emotional connection, and no physical relationship anymore. It feels like there’s a wall between us.I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m hurting deeply, and I feel completely lost.

Monarch Trying to help my sister?
  • replies: 4

I don't talk to my sister often so I was surprised one morning when I received the following text. "Can you ring me today I need to get away from here in abusive relationship and I have no where to go. Need help urgently. Please just need a bed and r... View more

I don't talk to my sister often so I was surprised one morning when I received the following text. "Can you ring me today I need to get away from here in abusive relationship and I have no where to go. Need help urgently. Please just need a bed and roof for the next week or I'll be on the streets." My sister lives 3 hours away and I had acute back pain. I decided to show message to my local police station. Local police did not think it warranted any action. I called my sister and drove out to pick her up then took her to mum's place. We did not discuss the details. She left the next day when her husband picked her up. Her choice I guess. I called her many months later and she was very angry with me as she had recently received a visit from her local police regarding the message she had sent me. She mentioned "it was very inconvenient". I said I showed police months ago and they didn't think it was serious. Long story short she's seriously pissed off and I am copping the blame for caring. I think maybe someone up there called the police and they went to investigate domestic abuse? No good deed goes unpunished. I am fed up, feel unappreciated and just want to be left alone now. What do you people think about this? Thanks

Sammy Family Worries
  • replies: 2

Dear Hivei know it’s not big deal but I felt overwhelmed today about my family 20 years old daughter doing Uni and lives with me. She has no motivation to do much with life as ex gives her good money monthly and I let her live in mine comfortably. Sh... View more

Dear Hivei know it’s not big deal but I felt overwhelmed today about my family 20 years old daughter doing Uni and lives with me. She has no motivation to do much with life as ex gives her good money monthly and I let her live in mine comfortably. She has one more year Uni after that my ex will stop money I think. I am having my new partner move in soon…. I am 50 so my hormones are not all that up. Me and him are more of company and support type people. I am glad to have him as a big emotional support. But in 20s I was in love with my ex … hmmm my sister lost her son and mum and dad very elderly but my mum can be toxic so can’t go too close and not far either . Mum feels like no one will look after in her old age as her behaviour can be very damaging to me and my sister. my main concern is how to develop the fire in my daughter to be successful when she is fully fed ….I worry about her life but don’t want to stop my ex giving money to her. He won’t talk to me . How will I handle my new man moving in and daughter still living with me etc. she said she will finish Uni and move it. Have been single for 10 years now.older daughter 27 doesn’t want to talk to me as she feels I was not available for her when she needs me. She lives in another country….. I know it’s all small stuff but I feel like I want my daughter to have belly fire and go do something productive and worthwhile. already not much relationship with her and if I advice I might push her away. thanks a lot for your advice

Bree Can i move in with my dad without my mums consent?
  • replies: 3

Hi, i am 17 years old and just wondering if i am able to move in with my dad without my mums consent. She has said to me that m there was a court order stating that she has full custody but i have talked to my dad and he said there was never a court ... View more

Hi, i am 17 years old and just wondering if i am able to move in with my dad without my mums consent. She has said to me that m there was a court order stating that she has full custody but i have talked to my dad and he said there was never a court order or anything,so she doesnt have full custody. My mum is a handfull she constantly blames me or my boyfriend for stuff, she accuses me of smoking and alot of other things (i would never smoke, i have an issue with my gums) she gets mad at me, she doesnt let me have a social life, im not allowed to sleepover or go to anyone's house, she complains about my boyfriend alot because apparently he doesnt support me or encourage me to do good in school at all but everyone i know including me says otherwise. She has put me and my siblings through alot of emotional trauma with the past boyfriends she has had and for me it was physical and emotional trauma. Im just really done with her, i am currently living with a family friend as where mum lives the school there only goes to grade 10 so i moved to where i am for year 11 and 12, my dad moves here in november.

Guest_10295 Husband has bad communication/alcohol/family
  • replies: 1

Hello, My marriage of 20 years is in trouble. We have a family that loves each other deeply. However, I am questioning my husband for the last few years. His relationship with alcohol is interferring with our family life and marriage. He doesn't drin... View more

Hello, My marriage of 20 years is in trouble. We have a family that loves each other deeply. However, I am questioning my husband for the last few years. His relationship with alcohol is interferring with our family life and marriage. He doesn't drink often, however when he does it has been quite traumatic for me due to no communication, drinking to forget problem or stresses and verbal disputes when he comes home. Randomly, after work, he seems to disappear without any communication or if he does answer the call its short filled with a lie. He says he's coming home, only to find out he stopped somewhere else. Doesn't want to share where he is and protective of people names, only to find out he was alone. I have lost all trust and also respect for my partner. I am disappointed. He has never behaved like this before, he is a wonderful family man that works so hard for us. He is unsure of why he cant communicate properly (throws narasistic liners or brings up things that we doesnt agree on to hurt me for a reaction- very hurtful and I have caught onto this behaviour and I haven't helped in this area but a very loving supportive wife). He admitted he makes impulsive decisions. He also has a bank account that he does not want to show me, after been caught gambling. I just don't know how to move forward and if i want to be around someone like this.

Anon37 Urgent Help Needed
  • replies: 2

My wife has very severe mental health issues. She refuses to get any help both individually and as a couple. Frequently and will just shout, scream, swear at me, insult me excessively. Today she has spent over three hours abusing and torturing me bec... View more

My wife has very severe mental health issues. She refuses to get any help both individually and as a couple. Frequently and will just shout, scream, swear at me, insult me excessively. Today she has spent over three hours abusing and torturing me because I couldn’t get the milk she wanted because they didn’t not have it at the supermarket. I have since gone to another grocery store and found it for her. However, she won’t stop abusing me over IM. She abuses me verbally, financially and in some very extreme cases even physically. Usually I just lock myself up in my wardrobe on weekends and find myself shaking and crying. I still lock myself in my wardrobe to protect myself but I have stopped crying and shaking which does show I am making progress. It’s honestly incredibly difficult. She is excessively ungrateful and selfish. Often she blasts loud music in the apartment without even listening to headphones to initially distract me because she knows my ears are sensitive to noise and other times she will shine light in my eyes from her phone so I cannot sleep. She always insists that I have to pay for everything for both of us which I am fine to do. But when I didn’t have a job I asked her for a very small $150 for excess baggage for both of us - just if I could take it out of the wedding gift money and she still said no. The level of excessive selfishness, lack of gratitude and non stop complaining, criticism, shouting, screaming and swearing at me is all too much for me to cope with. I am right on the verge of divorcing her but wanted to give one final call for help. Thank you in advance for your support during this truly awful time.

Heart Always sad
  • replies: 3

My husband and I have been married 22 years, it's my second marriage and his third.He is 71 and I'm 58.Back in 2022 while my brother was dying my husband had an emotional affair at work, giving emotional support and affection to a co worker going thr... View more

My husband and I have been married 22 years, it's my second marriage and his third.He is 71 and I'm 58.Back in 2022 while my brother was dying my husband had an emotional affair at work, giving emotional support and affection to a co worker going through a divorce, he gave me no support at all and was emotionally absent.He has denied everything but mutual friends who worked with them told me the end of 2023 when I noticed love heart symbols on all his personal photos from this woman, I hadn't seen them before as he had unfriended me on FB.There had been secret coffee dates which he lied about as well.I did confront him about it and he said he wasn't involved with her.I asked him to delete all forms of contact from her which he said he did but he actually hadn't.To my knowledge there has been no contact since.Fast forward to now, we sold our house and moved states, I had hoped for a fresh start but nothing has changed, there is no affection, intimacy and little communication, he sits on his phone all day unless he takes the dogs for a walk or goes to the gym, I've tried to express to him that I'm sad all the time, I've become moody and resentful and feel neglected, my heart breaks every day.He constantly looks for validation from other woman, following their Instagram pages or sending cute GIF to woman he knows, and thinking nothing of it but I'm never the one on the receiving end.He says I'm just being jealous and turns it all around to me.But my main concern is the lack of anything from him in our marriage.Talking does nothing, he said his not going to change.He was my sole mate but his changed so much.I'm at a loss as to what to do.

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