Relationship ocd?

Vi135408 · ‎13-03-2019

Been in a great relationship for 1 year and 7 months. One day 6 months ago my boyfriend texted me and said he didn’t know how he felt anymore or what he could do. Prior to this for about 2 months we were distant, we barely saw eachother. I found myself canceling on him a lot as I had a lot of family issues, I just wasn’t in the right mindset. On the day he told me how he felt, a part of me genuinely felt as if I was loosing him. I was in a serious panic which lasted about a month. All I would do was constantly question if he loved me, why he chose to stay and if he truly wanted to. I’d also cry about it to my friends and ask for reassurance regularly.After spending time with him on weekends this stopped. There was 1 week of clarity. Then I met up with him again, I noticed I was a bit distant and so did he. He asked me what was wrong and I said I didn’t know because I didn’t and that’s when it all started. I started questioning why I wasn’t “into it” if I was bored, out of love ect. I started to google things such as:signs of boredom, what is true love, am I still in love, why do I feel distant and the list goes on. Some articles gave me temporary relief whilst others just made me feel guilty or stressed out. I’d feel anxious when hanging around him, the thoughts were racing through my head. I’d often (stupidly) say it out loud, “what if I don’t want this? What if I’m not in love?” This took a toll on him some days he felt like he didn’t want to see me bc of it. This has now ended. The thoughts r less debilitating and arent specific anymore. I just have a merky unclear crappy feeling which I don’t know how to get rid off. It is like the thoughts of all the thoughts upset me. Sometimes I find myself researching if our relationship can last as we are young and it gets to me because I know it can be considered unrealistic. I fear one day I won’t want it, I’ll want to be alone or that we’ll become totally different. I hate it bc he is mybest friend, we have so much fun together and it feels like we are one person. There is no reason to doubt it but I still do. I guess that deep down I do this to protect myself as I don’t want it to end. Pls leave some advice of how to get rid of the feeling or ur experiences. I am also wondering if this could possibly be rocd or just anxiety as I’ve read peoples stories and a lot do not resonate with my current state of mindset. Thank you

Jackson85 · ‎13-03-2019

Hi Vi135408,

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm not sure about whether anxiety or OCD plays any part, because I'm not able to assess or diagnose these things, but I will say that anxiety is SUPER common, and often relationship problems can results from the manifestation of these anxious feelings.

Something helpful to think about might be how you would feel about yourself if your relationship ended; would you feel a failure, or feel rejected, or would you feel that if it ends, that must be the right course for it, and that it wasn't your fault. Relationships are the perfect breeding grounds for doubt, jealousy, paranoia, overbearing behaviour, etc., and while it seems like these problems exist in the relationship, they're not necessarily BECAUSE of the relationship.

When I feel jealous, or rejected, or mistreated by my wife, I try to first ask myself, "what power does she have to make me feel this way? If I want to feel happy, and love myself, and love her, then how does her choosing to go out with friends instead of me mean that I now have to feel bad about it?" Why does her choosing to be with others sometimes mean that I'm any less special, or that I'm not really "good enough". These feelings lie within me, not within the relationship, and it can be hard work to remember that at times, but trying to address them can be a good first step in mending relationship problems.

Have you thought about talking to a psychologist? I've seen a few in my time and I love being able to be open and explore ideas and feelings without my partner ever hearing them!

It sounds as though you're not totally sure if you want to be with your boyfriend. Maybe a good first step in figuring that out could be by asking yourself "Am I expecting him to give me feelings that really have to come from within myself? If I was the happiest, most content person in the world, would he be the one I choose to be with?"

I don't mean to give advice at all, just some ideas to maybe prod thoughts inside of you. You know what's best, and if you'd like to keep chatting, feel free to do so here on the forum 🙂

Hang in there,

Jackson85

Vi135408 · ‎13-03-2019

Hi, thanks for the response. to answer your question. If the relationship were to end, I’d feel as if I should’ve or could’ve tried harder. And if I were to be my most content, yes, I would choose to be with him. It may sound as though I am not sure if I want my relationship, but I know I do. I didn’t want to send that idea across in my original post and I am not going to lie but it did frighten me and provoke more intrusive thoughts, even though I know that was definitely not your intention.

I have thought about speaking to someone. However I am hesitant, but I know I can not do this on my own

thanks

Jackson85 · ‎13-03-2019

That's great news, and of course I didn't mean to pry or put words in your mouth, only try to pose questions which can sometimes help us understand how we feel 🙂 Try to go easy on yourself, these things are not simple and it can take some time.

Jackson85

Vi135408 · ‎13-03-2019

Thank u for responding.

I guess my biggest fear is loosing someone so special to me. And over the past few months I found myself googling for reassurance, obviously it just made feel worse as I felt like everyone’s solution was to just break up and I know if I did I would regret it for sure but i still somehow Felt this sort of uncertainty. I’d known that there was no better match for me but it still occurred. Maybe it wasn’t a breakup I was/ am looking for, maybe I just couldn’t handle all the stress, questioning and Fear but mostly the fact that all relationships come with uncertainty.

Have you had Rocd yourself or relationship anxiety? How did you pull through?

Thanks for your kind words and patience 🙂

Jackson85 · ‎13-03-2019

I'm not totally sure what Rocd is, but I'm guessing relationship OCD? If so, I've definitely behaved in ways that are in line with that! I used to be so nervous that my girlfriends didn't love me enough, or that they were being distracted by other guys, and as a result I was kind of annoying, a bit clingy, would require a LOT of verbal reassurance that everything was going ok, and many many late night chats when I was feeling worried. Basically what it did, was it made me behave in a way that wasn't who I feel I am, and as a result, they weren't super interested in being with me. Once I realised that I am who I am, and that I'm happy with that, then they can stay if they want me, or go if they don't, but there is no point them staying for something I'm not, because then we both lose.

Since I've learned these lessons, my relationships have been better, because I'm less of a pain, and I feel better, so I am more available for her needs, and to just have fun and make jokes, and not live in so much fear.

I worked through all this stuff with psychologists, at different stages. It seemed like I was in too deep while in my sessions, and that I wouldn't be able to shake my paranoia about my parter, but then, one day, I just realised that the only one who can fill my undying need to be loved is me. Now I love myself, because I can't be anything other than what I am, and so if she wants to love me too, then great, but if not, let's not waste our time we could be spending finding better matches!

My last girlfriend didn't love who I was, so we ended it, then a few months later I met another girl, and we've been married 6 years. Had I stuck around, I might have missed this opportunity.

Be kind to yourself, as you are amazing. When you can love who you are, then others can come along from the ride 🙂

Jackson85

Vi135408 · ‎13-03-2019

Thank you for sharing your stories with me! Im happyto hear it worked out.

do you believe you could or can work through intrusive thoughts and doubts and still be with the same partner?

i just don’t want the past and those pesky thoughts I used to have determine the fate of my relationship.

Thank you

Jackson85 · ‎14-03-2019

When you say intrusive thoughts, do you mean the thoughts that just won't leave you alone? Like the negative thoughts that constantly try to convince you that things are bad, even when they're not? If so, then yes, I DEFINITELY think you can work through these thoughts and stay with the same partner 🙂

The thing to realise, is that these thoughts aren't coming from the relationship, they are coming from within you, just as my thoughts came from within me. This sounds like bad news, but really it's not, because you don't need anyone else to change themselves in order for you to learn to deal with these thoughts effectively. An example of how I changed my thoughts was, one time my girlfriend didn't text me for maybe 8 hours, and we used to text A LOT, like, every hour or two. My first thought was "she doesn't want to talk to me, she's probably having fun with friends and thinking of how much easier it is without me around", and you know what it really was? Her phone had died, and she couldn't text me, and she still loved me, and loved being around me, and would tell her friends that she was happy with me. So I nearly created a problem in my relationship, just with my negative thoughts. I nearly said "why didn't you text me, is it because you don't want me? Is it because you have more fun with others?" and then she would have thought "oh man, this guy is hard work, how many times do I have to tell him!"

The key is learning that the negativity and intrusive thoughts come from fear, not from reality, so we think negative things even though nothing negative is happening.

If you're interested in talking to a psychologist about this, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a super effective kind of treatment for dealing with the constant barrage of these intrusive thoughts.

Jackson85

geoff · ‎14-03-2019

Hi Vi, thanks for your post and I've just noticed your thread as it mentions 'Relationship OCD'.

Can you please let me read these comments and get back to you tomorrow morning, as I start very early in the morning and my mind will be much clearer.

I have replied back to you so your thread will be in 'My Threads'.

I'm sorry.

Geoff.

Vi135408 · ‎14-03-2019

Hi all,

thanks for the replies.

jackson, thank you for sharing more of your stories. i have done plenty of research regarding intrusive thoughts and i now have a good idea as to where they come from ect. Yes, i have looked into CBT as well and i think thats the direction i may need to head in as these thoughts of cannot just be brushed off.

Geoff, i have seen your posts around the BB community, specifically regarding rOCD. i look forward to hearing from you as well.

Thank you everyone