Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Sexless relationship, confused and crapping myself

Community Member

Hi all,

I've seen very similar stories on here with some great tips and I'm reaching out for some sanity and courage I guess.

We've been together for 6 yrs, and his sex drive hasn't been there from the start, although it has continued to deteriorate.

I lack self esteem although I'm a confident person, just not happy with how I look, so that was playing on my mind a fair bit and kept thinking and saying to him maybe I'm just not your type - although he assures me that's not the case.

We had a major falling out on Valentine's day and I expressed that I'm not going to engage in the relationship unless we seek some professional guidance and surprisingly he agreed.

We don't live together and might have sex once a quarter and it's routine each time. I have been as sensitive as I can be.

I do know, he's not getting it from anywhere else cause he doesn't have the drive, he has low testosterone and he has been to the doctor has meds for it but doesn't really take it properly.

He wants us to buy a place together and move in I'm freaking out because whilst it makes sense to do this I feel as though I'm stuck - I have not sought for sex outside of our relationship nor is that something that I'm looking for - I just wish to have that intimacy with him more than 4 - 5 times a year.

Our psychologist suggested that he speaks with an oncologist... weeks ago ... he hasn't done anything about it. To me, that's telling me he just doesn't care for it, it's not bothering him so he won't do anything about it, despite that he knows how much it's bothering me.

I don't bring it up with him cause his response is that there's nothing he can do, that this is it, this is him - I'm naturally an affectionate person and it's so challenging when all I wish for is some affection.

What more can I do? I'm freaking out, it's 4am on a Saturday and I'm wide awake- we're going to an auction today for a home and I feel so sick cause I don't think it's the right thing to do when we haven't got this sorted.

He's said that if sex is the be all and end all of the relationship then he's not the guy ... I've said that if that was the case I would have left years ago - in other words it's not all about the sex although yes sex is, in my eyes, an important part of the relationship.

I'd really appreciate to hear from you if this story resonates with you, what did you do and how did you go about in increasing your sex drive, did it work?

A little help please and thank you.

3 Replies 3

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Blue Hope,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. This is certainly an issue that you need to discuss as openly as you can before you do move in with him. Sounds like you are making an offer on a place today, so time will tell if you receive that place or not.

In short, my husband developed cancer. No amount of medication returned his sex drive. He told me if he couldn't have sex his way then he wanted nothing to do with me receiving any kind of intimacy. We now have separate bedrooms and we sit opposite ends of the lounge so I don't touch him.

It has broken my heart. It is not what I want in a relationship. I feel like we are housemates not husband and wife. He is happy. He can't see what the hassle is.

Is your partner willing at least to satisfy you sexually in other ways? Is he willing to hold you and give you a hug? Is he willing to kiss you and let you sit next to him? If so, is that enough for you?

Do you desire to have children? have you been able to discuss this with him if this is the case?

I'm sure some people are very happy in a sexless relationship, as they may be able to show love to each other in different ways.

Maybe call Relationships Australia or a sexual health line, they may have some suggestions for you.

Cheers from Dools

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Blue Hope~

I'd like to join Dools in welcoming you here. I'm sorry you are in this situation and am worried about you making a huge commitment when the basis of your relationship appears - at least to me - to be shaky.

Actually I'm not talking so much about sex, but about partnership. It is obvious that different people will have differing levels of sex drive, however care for each other should be mutual, if one person is unhappy it would seem only natural for the other person to exhibit concern and try, as best they could to ease their partner's path.

You are having to push him, he does not seem to be making an effort on your behalf. OK he's been to the doctor and received meds, however does not take them, it is recommended he see an oncologist, but has not done so.

Saying if it is only sex it is not a relationship seems to be to be a cop-out, showing perhaps he is comfortable with the situation and does not care for you enough to at least explore possibilities. Maybe he thinks you will simply accept the current situation permanently.

For many people the lack of ability to be intimate is a huge barrier, leaving them feeling inadequate and with poor self esteem. This could I guess translate into inaction, perhaps from fear that no steps will be effective. I'm not sure that is the case here as he did go to the doctor, but is not bothering with the medication. Mind you this is just a guess.

Whatever the reason behind all this do you think you would want to stay in the relationship long-term if you were permanently faced with little or no intimacy? Do you think you could be happy like that and feel secure, or maybe have negative feelings and resentment emerge?


Community Member

Sorry but l think he has an attraction problem , hows your weight and looks these days and your dressing. lf your over weight and out of shape l think that's thing that could turn it around. How's your relationship between you , is it still loving and special or just everyday mundane, bring back the romance and feeling between you is another thing that can help a lot and actually make you feel loving again . lf you've lost all that it might help but at the moment he's just not into it and the more people you see and the more fuss it becomes the more pressure he'll feel which will only turn him off even more sorry.

Other than that you might have to listen to what he's told you that he's not the man for you.