Relationship falling apart

[William255]

So I recently moved to a city with my partner and sister and I have had family court drama going on in my life recently and it’s badly affected me the past month and made me treat my partner not right (nothing abusive) just how I spoke to her sometimes, or wasn’t motivated to do things or wasn’t thinking straight and I would forget things cause I had a lot on my plate, I was hoping she would understand this because she suffers from bpd, bi-polar, depression and had a rough upbringing and toxic and abusive ex’s who also cheated, she told me 2 days before my court cause against my father that she feels like the relationship is falling apart and feels unloved in the past month and I tried to reason with her and apologize I’m ridding myself of bad habits and putting a lot of effort in and she feels like she doesn’t wanna continue the relationship cause she’s seen this phase so many times with ex lovers even when I had a talk with her saying I still love her I’m not mentally right and I’m seriously committing to you if you let me, and I’m heartbroken that she feels like she can’t keep it going, I asked for support in fixing it that it was my fault you felt like that and you shouldn’t ever feel that way and asked if she would let me fix it and she said she ran out of effort and it’s really affecting me, the past day or 2 we’ve still talked like girlfriend boyfriend but she has times and she wants my attention and love and times where she wants to be alone I’m respecting her boundaries but also wanna give her more attention cause I feel like I never gave her enough but I don’t wanna come off as too clingy, we have laughed loved and talked good when ever we don’t talk about our relationship and talk about life. I really wanna fix this for the good but I feel like I’m losing her,  (might be me feeling pretty but a week before the month started I asked her to talk about how I felt about things and how I would feel the next couple of weeks and we never had time to talk about it so I feel kinda betrayed) she also said how the last month felt like not a relationship I just slept with her loved her and dropped her off at work and etc, which kinda broke me cause we had some good times in the month still idk if this is a bipolar on top of the matter, I don’t know what to do I try to tell her I’m changing for the good and that I love her but her bad experiences and her mental illnesses make me feel like it’s impossible

[Croix]

Dear Wiliam255~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum. It's a good place to come to where you can look round and read how others have coped in similar situations.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal wiht Family court matters, they tend to be most upsetting and stressful. I hope they are over soon.

It is perfectly natural that such things do affect behavior and one can become preoccupied and even short tempered at times. Under normal circumstances a loved one might make allowances.

Unfortunatly you say that your partner has bpd, bi-polar, depression and had a rough upbringing and toxic and abusive ex’s who also cheated.

Just the abusive relationships alone will alter anyone's view of the world - and of themself. Having seen repeated a pattern of behaviour by 'partners' in the past it is all too easy to assume everybody is like that and to feel helpless and unable to deal with something that seems a bit similar now and it's better to break of rather than go down the same track again.

Now I realize you do not deserve to be seen in that light but your partner's coping ability when you are stressed and it shows is less than you would wish, or even expect. That is not her fault, it is the fault of those that treated her badly combined wiht her illnesses.

May I ask if oyur partner is under treatment for the bi-polar, depression and abusive past? Even in the most loving circumstances it is next to impossible for a person to cope with such things without expert assistance.

If she is not already seeking assistance already do you think there is anyway she would see a medical professional? Her life could be much better than it is.

You to are under a great deal of stress, do you have anyone, apart from your partner, that can give you support? Maybe a family member or friend who can simply listen and show they care? They do not have to 'fix' things.

If you would like to come back and talk some more you'd be very welcome

Croix

[therising]

Hi William255

I feel for you so much as you face such a seriously tough time in your life. You definitely have to give yourself a lot of credit when it comes to the work you're putting into consciously evolving while facing a number of significant challenges and triggers. I think that sometimes it's only in hindsight that we can see just how far we've come in the way of constructive change.

For a deeply sensitive person (such as your partner) who's able to sense/feel so easily, they will sense the presence of true love. On an emotional compass, it always points north. If your partner's feeling things going south, she'll question whether there's still a sense of true love in the relationship. Being a highly sensitive gal myself, I find there can be a lot of 'pings' (aka sudden intense feelings) that can lead to a lot of questioning in regard to direction.

I can relate to your partner's concerns. Having been married to the same guy for over 20 years, we've cycled through the same stuff over and over and nothing really changes. I explain why the relationship has come to feel so depressing for me, he acknowledges my feelings are perfectly understandable and once he's conscious of the legitimate need to evolve beyond depressing ways, he tries to evolve into new ways but falls back into old comfortable ways and the cycle repeats. I used to get excited after he'd proclaim his determination to evolve the relationship but eventually I came to feel the thought 'I've heard this all before and it's hopeless'. While he legitimately has the best of intentions and I appreciate that, he's largely all talk. A bit like your gf's exes perhaps. Could be a matter of she's learned not to get her hopes up, which can have a depressing feel to it, as it feels like hopelessness.

You, on the other hand, have such a strong desire for change/evolution to the point where it's inspiring. You're also conscious of some of your own behaviour, as opposed to having to be made conscious by others. You're so conscious and thoughtful to the point where you wanted to give her the heads up that things were going to become emotionally challenging. You wanted to prepare her for that, which is very loving. For me, my definition of true love involves 'raising'. Whether we're raising someone to evolve in ways that support and serve them, raising them to a laugh or a sense of wonder (raising their spirits and sense of curiosity) or raising their level of consciousness, there are so many different ways to raise a person. Raising our self in such ways is just as important. I've found true love to be a bit of a see-saw thing at times. When one in a relationship is down, the other raises them and vice versa. Maybe talking about how you can raise each other through the ups and downs of these challenges you face could be the call, bringing out the best in each other.

Btw, if your gf is a bit of an empath (someone who feels other people's feelings as well as their own) 'Sensitive Is the New Strong', by Anita Moorjani, might be the kind of book that raises her.