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Relationship Anxiety

DaisyD
Community Member

Hi there everyone,

I am struggling at the moment. "My rock" has stepped away from our relationship/friendship saying he can't have me in his life, at least not now. I am struggling to find answers, he is suffering from a huge change in his life and I just want to help him like he has helped me so many times. I feel so empty, can't stop crying, rehashing everything over and over. He is trying to rebalance and refocus. We don't have any communication or contact because he needs to work on him and I need to work on me together with my study. I have support with a psychologist, a support group and GP. I have a few girlfriends but they are getting sick of hearing about it. Thank god we have stayed friends, I couldn't stand it if I didn't have that, and I would rather have friendship than be enemies.

I am trying so hard to focus on my study but finding it so hard. Last year I started studying nursing that he encouraged me to do and he was so supportive and positive, my inspiration and kicking me up the backside when I wanted to quit. He said I don't need to hold his hand anymore because he believes in me to be strong and positive. We have had breaks before but this one I am finding so difficult. Last year we had a break and I was able to throw myself into my study and get through it. Probably because I could text him and tell him the feedback I was getting. He would always reply with "that is awesome/epic babe, don't give up, you've got this".

I feel that he feels that he has failed me by not being in the position or mindset to give me what I deserve, need and want. He has also said that he feels that he failed his ex-wife as a partner and I know he feels that he has failed his beautiful children. I just want to be able to tell him that he hasn't failed me.

I have been journalling and alot of what I write to him has been full of anger and then last night I didn't feel like that, I asked the universe to look after "my rock" and to bring him back to me. I am not going to label it as a break up. I think he is just so depressed he just couldn't help me with my life at the moment. I am trying so hard to be positive, each day is a challenge. I am still looking at "my big picture" and I can still see it clearly which of course includes him. I have told him how much I love him, care about him. why does it hurt so much this time?

17 Replies 17

Hi Rx,

He is a confusing one that's for sure. Not sure if he gets on with the ex - I think they get on for the sake of getting on. I know he did everything he could to save the marriage but they both fell out of love with each other.

You have helped me - I do appreciate your comments.

I think he is overthinking everything. he gets snippets from other parents and he panics. I know that he did that the last time we saw each other about drugs. He was just frantic that they could turn to drugs. And I said "hey who said they will, not all kids do that and if they do they have their dad to help them and support them". I have also told him that there are more distractions these days compared to when we were kids.

I think he does feel guilt, but I don't understand why he thinks he can't have his children and me. He said to me once that he can't bring a third party in and I said "you already have".

Yes I agree with you I am too understanding and supportive. I get used and abused for helping. I have the biggest softest heart. I am sick of giving and not getting anything back. He is in the same boat.

I think he needed to go fishing just to get away from reality and work on himself. He needed space and he said he over 3700 contacts in his phone and he couldn't deal with anyone. He also wanted an income to support his kids. I admire him for that. when they had their big argument, I got him back from being sad and I told him I loved him and to go fishing and sort himself out. I said that wherever I am, he is always welcome in my life, in my home, in my heart. He thanked me for that. He thought it was a lovely message. I told him I am where I am today because he taught me how to drive.

I just miss him like anything. Just crave him. I hope he is missing me too.

Anna

Haaa anna , thanks for that. Believe it or not that's my most fav name in the world. Only reason my daughter has a dif name is ex didn't like it haha.

But nah l wasn't meaning your too supportive just really supportive , such a rare trait these days. l hope not too , do you think you might be too ? Although l guess if someone so important to us is effg us around like that but they know how supportive you are and sorta think oh she'll be there subconsciously , maybe they'll just keep at it you know. l dunno, just thoughts for some , not saying he is.

Sounds like his fishing is his peace , hope he goes sounds like he could use some peace. 3700 contacts my god l'd throw my phone in the bin. mines got about 20 haha, that's enough for me.

Hey , l don't really wanna sk this l feel bad because it's not a nice question but does he talk love with you , says he loves you ?

like it doesn't really sound like excuses he does sound messed up and guilted and all flustered , but you know , if he's not really in love it would be easier for him to block the relationship the way he seems to be doing.

when l was in something like his sitch with my daughter l mean l didn't go looking and didn't really want one but had of l met someone and fallen in love then l would've had to have make it work somehow .

Hope your ok

rx

Hi there Rx,

How could your ex not like a name like "Anna" seriously - lol. My mother was actually going to call me Michelle Anna but there were 6 other Michelle babies in the street so I got the other. So I get "Ann" which I despise.

yeah I hear what you're saying. He says that he has alot of guilt. He said he can't have a relationship because he just doesn't have the option. whatever that is supposed to mean. and his life is going into a direction that he can't stop and doesn't like. what am I supposed to do with that. Sometimes I think he regards me as a friend and he says that I'm a really close friend that he can confide in and then he'll send me these naughty naughty x rated texts and I'll tease him etc and then it goes on for hours and then it stops. He has all the phones in the house connected to each other, so the day I got home from Sydney after my dad died (no loss believe me), I was in the worst state of anxiety and I sent this message through messenger, his son was playing with his phone, he was in the shower, and the ex saw it, the kids saw it, everyone was upset. I was blocked instantly, naturally. And I realise that he has to keep an eye on the kids but do the kids have to see what he is saying? He deletes everything. He is such a scorpion drama queen.

He says that he appreciates what I do for him, support him etc. I have given to the kids like easter eggs (not knowing that the Japanese don't celebrate easter duh), worry pets that I pinched from work. And at the moment I am making his daughter some beaded angels for her new bedroom. I am the biggest softy ever.

I have told him I love him - he thanked me for it - he hasn't said it back because I think he is frantically anxious about what could happen. Every text he sends me is "babe" or "honey" and kisses at the end. I have spoken to him bawling on the phone after he had wanted another break and I have said that I miss him and he just said "okay babe, I'll sort it", I don't know if he knows how to love because both his marriages just didn't work. Maybe that is why i am hidden. The last girl he was seeing, his mother got rid of. Some of his guards met me and I have guarded with him a couple of times. I think he blocks me when things get too hard, and me in the background - way in the background, I'll get to you later works for him but it's not for me and that is why I'll be putting some ground rules down.

Anna 🙂

haaa lucky for you with so many Michelles but l mean l hear ya , could they possibly desecrate a name like anna any further with WT , l can;t even say it . l never thought of anna being shortened like that , lucky for me though then my daughter would've killed me.

But eh that's funny don't worry your not the first one where the kids saw or heard the goodies, but ahh ok, touch embarrassing that'll teach him havin the phones like that,.

anyway yeah right 2 marriages and ex gf , no wonder he won't say it, not only but if he starts saying it that just makes it all even harder for him to do whatever he thinks he's doing. but l can't tell ether way tbh , l mean he loves you but can't tell if it's in love. but if it's any consolation even if in love he wouldn't be the first one to block it because of kids or bad timing or this or that.

l dunno , tbh if it was me l'd wanna know that first of all because l wouldn't wanna be fighting to hold onto it if she wasn't actually in love and so probably never gonna come through anyway yaknow. so for me that'd be my first worry personally and l'd wanna know exactly how she does actually feel and whether she does actually want me to hold on and stick around , is there really light at the end of the tunnel and just where she is truly at with us..

so yeah good idea protect yourself and layout what ever you need things to be if your gonna go on with him. good luck anyway.

rx

I have been in a funk yesterday and again today. I am at the stage where I regret even meeting him, and last night I cried myself to sleep, thinking I don't even want his friendship. I have deferred from my study and I am at the stage where I don't want to return at all in June/July. I regret even starting the course and I feel that I wasted last year studying. And I hate him for it.

Not good I know. I feel stuck. I have no motivation, I am bored. It's stinking hot.

I just don't think he understands the impact he has had on me. He was always saying we were just friends with benefits, well if we were that, would we have shared what we shared, or was it just pillow talk? Would we have stood in a crowded supermarket and spoke for over an hour, no we would have ignored each other. I have to go to my support worker today and I don't feel like going, and I know I need to.

I need to move my attitude.

Sorry to disappoint or drag anyone down with my misery, but some days are worse than others.

:'(

Ah, funk away and not a wonder , it's a very tough sitch .

and sorry about the course , maybe at a better time or somem .

Hate to say it but it's all there with him in your last one and it's sad and hurtful how one can see those things that make it so much more and yet the other just doesn't.

l really don't think your gonna get anything worthwhile out of this thing with him tbh l think he'll just go on wasting your time sorry to say.

Do you think you could handle a break from him , few weeks , have a good think about things and whether you wanna bother. l think you've gotta step away for awhile .

Hope your ok and holding up

rx

So you think just step back from him for a while - I am trying to work on myself as number one but I am not getting very far. Day by day is hard. I know he wants and needs are a positive, confident, strong woman and I am not that at the moment, I am a basket case. My friend Cassie gave me a boot up the backside today. And I needed it.

haaaaa, we all need a few of them now and then eh.

But nah l was thinking about stepping back to think about whether you wanna stay in this half assed on off thing or not yourself actually. None of it's very fair on you or showing much of a future if you want a real relationship , that's all. lt just doesn't sound like he's gonna be wanting more than this anytime soon unfortunately ,