Relationship Anxiety

[DaisyD]

Hi there everyone,

I am struggling at the moment. "My rock" has stepped away from our relationship/friendship saying he can't have me in his life, at least not now. I am struggling to find answers, he is suffering from a huge change in his life and I just want to help him like he has helped me so many times. I feel so empty, can't stop crying, rehashing everything over and over. He is trying to rebalance and refocus. We don't have any communication or contact because he needs to work on him and I need to work on me together with my study. I have support with a psychologist, a support group and GP. I have a few girlfriends but they are getting sick of hearing about it. Thank god we have stayed friends, I couldn't stand it if I didn't have that, and I would rather have friendship than be enemies.

I am trying so hard to focus on my study but finding it so hard. Last year I started studying nursing that he encouraged me to do and he was so supportive and positive, my inspiration and kicking me up the backside when I wanted to quit. He said I don't need to hold his hand anymore because he believes in me to be strong and positive. We have had breaks before but this one I am finding so difficult. Last year we had a break and I was able to throw myself into my study and get through it. Probably because I could text him and tell him the feedback I was getting. He would always reply with "that is awesome/epic babe, don't give up, you've got this".

I feel that he feels that he has failed me by not being in the position or mindset to give me what I deserve, need and want. He has also said that he feels that he failed his ex-wife as a partner and I know he feels that he has failed his beautiful children. I just want to be able to tell him that he hasn't failed me.

I have been journalling and alot of what I write to him has been full of anger and then last night I didn't feel like that, I asked the universe to look after "my rock" and to bring him back to me. I am not going to label it as a break up. I think he is just so depressed he just couldn't help me with my life at the moment. I am trying so hard to be positive, each day is a challenge. I am still looking at "my big picture" and I can still see it clearly which of course includes him. I have told him how much I love him, care about him. why does it hurt so much this time?

[smallwolf]

Hi DaisyD,

Welcome to beyond blue.

On the plus side, it sounds like you have everything "in place". A GP, psychologist, support group, friends etc. You are also writing a journal, putting the thoughts onto paper and hopefully getting them out of your mind?

While I don't know how long ago this occurred, and to some degree it probably does not matter, except that it will take time. My mental health issues will take time also. How long? I don't know. In your case, the the healing in your relationship will take time also. For some people it could be a short period of time, and for other people it might take a lot longer.

You believe that he is so depressed that he cannot help you at the moment. Probably. In my own experience I tend to close off from the rest of the world. And that is also the worst thing to do, or so I was told by my psychologist.

But why the hurt? Possibly because of the uncertainty of what will or might happen. That at the moment some significant in your life is no longer?

While I know you are not labelling this as a breakup, if you did a google search for "breakup beyond blue" you will stories similar to yours. You are not alone. Be patient with yourself. Trust in your psychologist. And give yourself time. And I am sitting and listening to you in your hurt.

Peace,

Tim

[DaisyD]

Hi Tim,

This happened on the 13th January. I went to my GP yesterday and he has upped my anti-depressants and feels that he will have to do it again. I hate being in this black place.

My rock blamed me for all the texts I was sending, but he was guilty of it as well - he kept the conversations going.

He had a sad Christmas without his kids because they were overseas with their mum for five weeks. I knew he would fall down but I did everything I could to get him through it. But maybe I was there for him too much. I told him how much they would miss him too. Now that he has sold his business, I told him that he will be able to spend Christmas with the kids without having to worry about work. But I also told him that the kids will get to the age where they won't want to go overseas at Christmas as they get older, they will want to make their own decisions. I told him from day one that the kids need to be his top priority, and for a woman that doesn't have kids, to be down the line of priorities is special I think. He said "I love the way you bounce babe". I haven't met the kids yet and I although I told him I wanted to, I still told him I didn't want to crush their little hearts with confusion and pain, together with his. He knew that. I also didn't want to cause any trouble with the ex because after all she is the mother of his children. He said that what we have is between us and we shouldn't get the kids involved, yet.

One of my friends said that "when has he ever permanently cut your relationship off? He is all talk, he has done this before, you know the drill, it's temporary, take it with a grain of salt". And when she and I discussed it, we came up with that he is like the boy that cried wolf.

One day he will say "no babe you have to let me go, I am a negative influence in your life", and then the next day "just chill babe, all good, you will never lose me". That is mixed messages and it hurts.

We spoke on the phone after the text he sent and he was still calling me "babe" and "honey", which confused me even more. Some days I think he has no right to call me that anymore.

On our other breaks I have been out with other guys and he gets really upset about this. I can't win.

I know I am rehashing things but it feels better to get it all out. For all I know he is in a black place too missing me.

I just wish I could make a decision about study. So frustrating.

[Guest_1584]

Why would you go out with other guys just because your having a break it wasn't split was it ? lf you loved him you wouldn't be able to do that so easily in such a short time you probably wouldn't even consider it .l'm also surprised he took you back so maybe you don't feel how you think you feel for a start. Also the way you say what you need deserve want is quite "self " along with other things in there so l'm just not sure how you truly feel anyway tbh, Maybe you could use a break to realize it o=, or not.

Does he go out with other women on the breaks., how do you feel about him being with other women ? with all the breaks maybe he isn't getting what he needs deserves wants so l'm saying that to be mean but l just think there's more going on or a bigger picture and reasons for things your not seeing..

[Guest_1584]

ps, sorry that was meant to read l'm "not" saying that to be mean but ,,,,

[DaisyD]

Hey randomx,

sorry I worded my post incorrectly - I was howling at the time. On our breaks, I haven't been out with other guys, he thought I was speaking to someone and then asked me if I had sex this guy" and I said of course not". I have asked him if he was with other women and he went off with "no I'm not and don't ever ask me again".

Every break is always about him. What he needs. And I give him what he needs - he gives me all the space in the world to study.

I do know what I want and I am staring at the big picture.

I don't know what happens in his house behind closed doors but he has told me some things. I know he has had a lonely existence working 24/7 and missed out on a lot with the kids, but that isn't my fault, he could have changed that. He will say that he has alot on his plate and he can't have distractions blah blah blah. He does blame me sometimes for his stress at home and it has nothing to do with me. But he has sold his business and is changing his life. I have explained to him about the catastrophic thinking, but he doesn't understand that. He thinks that I feel that he is taking a bad day out on me. I have tried to tell him that he has too much on his plate, he has a bad day, and then he sends me a doom and gloom text, saying goodbye. He is juggling too much and he has to drop something to ease the stress. and then the next day he will bounce back saying "oh babe, all good, I just had a bad stressful day, sorry".

I feel that it is just a temporary break because he has done this before. I have deferred my study and am looking for work, he will be upset about this, but it is what I need for my health and wellbeing at the moment.

I don't know if he just sees me as a friend but I am thankful that I still have his friendship. I would rather be friends than enemies.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya Daisy

l'm sorry if that sounded harsh sometimes it's hard to explain what your getting at.

But l get the impression it's more about space for him not really your relationship or you as such. More about his things and maybe the actual pressures in a relationship being too much to handle on top of his stuff right now. Hence the breaks but not breaking up.

They are a lot of pressure especially for guys and there's a heap of guilt if your holding back or not quite in it.especially with kids involved you have it from both sides for your kids and her And usually she pushes even more at those times so it all gets even worse or even if she doesn't actually say it you know it's all going on inside .

Sounds like it's all what he's said. just to much stuff but it's obvious the situation with his kids is massive alone and taring him up. too l've been through similar and stayed out of relationships .

If your still around when he does get rid of the business that could make a huge difference they're so time and mentally and energy consuming., pressures and coping .

[DaisyD]

Hi randomx,

All good. Yeah I know what you're saying - but he is a drama queen. he thinks I don't understand what it's like to have kids etc and I have told him no I don't but I will support you as a friend.

Everything was good leading up to the text - I had seen a security guard with his dog when I was at the gym - he must have been exercising the dog in the park, anyway I told him about it and he wanted me to approach him if I saw him again to ask who he worked for. He used to do asset protection so he has security dogs. I felt weird approaching someone but anyway. So that was on the Thursday and then the Friday, I texted his number asking if he still wanted me to approach him and I got a response back "who is this, there are no contacts in this phone". I didn't know he had handed his phone into the guy that bought the business so I thought "oh no I have really stuffed things up". Anyway the guy gave me his new number and I rang this guy and apologised for interrupting him at work. He was fine about it. And I wanted to know if this was his new business phone or personal number that he had given me. He said "Scott said whoever rings for me just give me this number". at the end of the call I was all choked up and thought I had really stuffed things up. And I felt terrible. So I texted him and said I had his new number, did he want me to approach this guy and he said "yes please babe". A few hours later I got a text from him saying 'did you cry on the phone to Chris, are you ok?" I felt so stupid and of course said "no" and he just kept coming back with it.

I am a very emotional person so I choke up or cry at anything. It's just how I am. Anyway that night he said "I'll call you" and I said "it's late I'm going to bed". Next day I texted him "unexpected visitors, talk later". He was fine and then that night "so you did cry on the phone to Chris, why did you lie to me?" And I said to him that I thought I had ruined things for him workwise and how would I fix it. so then the text arrived. After that we spoke on the phone and I told him that I really thought I had ruined things for him workwise. One minute he wanted me to approach this guy, the next, the conversation was over.

At the end of November, he had a massive fight with his ex - and he sent me this doom and gloom text saying goodbye and I got him back to reality. He said he was done with her and done with work.

[DaisyD]

I just wish he would understand that when he needs space and he blocks my number I respect that and I leave him alone. I do my best to support him in every capacity. And then he says he won't be available for 8 years because his daughter would be leaving home then. And I took that with a grain of salt because he doesn't know what he is doing today, let alone tomorrow, let alone 8 years from now. It's unrealistic.

At the moment I really hate the thought that we are even friends because I am so hurt. I know his life has nothing to do with me, I understand that. But when he says stuff like he wants to cry when I put myself down, I think I must mean something to him. He also says that when I cry on the phone to him, he gets off the phone and he is a mess because he just doesn't know how to help me.

It doesn't make sense if he wants to be a dad, why would he want to be a commercial fisherman???? He would never see the kids.

[Guest_1584]

Heya Daisy .

l think he was just thinking he needs the 8yrs to himself to be the best dad he can like this. No idea with the fishing , my bro was a commercial fisherman for awhile, not that that helps much.

You sound so supportive and backing you really do , and more than fair and understanding.l could only imagine how you must be feeling though . He sounds like he has such deep guilt not only with his kids but with you in all whatever is really going on with him..

Weird how he doesn't involve you in his life but it still sounds like he just feels like he can't do both . Can't remember if l told ya but l stayed single 3yrs to be there for my daughter even though l was on;y seeing her bts and pieces through week or wkend but l just wanted to make sure l was there , no ifs no buts. Maybe that's he's thinking.

Doe she get along with the ex , wonder if she's trying to manipulate him out of your relationship and guilt tripping him ?

Sorry not much help , hoping someone else can help figure it out better, he's a confusing one.

All the best. rx