Any advice is greatly appriciated!!!
My partner & I have been together for 7yrs now. We both still live at our parents (We're 21). My bfs parents are highly religious. As of 2 wks ago, his parents brought home a 19y.o. single female from the church,who is a complete stranger, to stay with them for the next 4 mnths+. (this girl is going through a bit of a rough trot,& I do feel bad) but, for someone going through a really rough time, she's over the top out-going & is getting really comfortable around my bf, which I'm not happy about.
I do trust my partner 100%, I just don't trust this female stranger that's living under the same roof as him. My anxiety is getting the better of me, so I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed & feeling really depressed. When I get in the car to leave his is when the water works normally start, otherwise when ever I'm alone at mine is also when the tears, feeling anxious & depressed normally kicks in.
My partner & I have been fighting for 2 wks strait. most of the fights are about my random crying fits or about him not understanding how I'm thinking & feeling about this entire situation, which then escalates because he's getting frustrated with my 'BS' as he says.
my thoughts are - his parents can invite a female to live with them (without a heads up to anyone - but I get it, it's their house), who walks around in provocative clothing, and that's fine to them. BUT, if things get worse between my partner & I because of their decision to have her there, & we decide to move out to ease the pressure, they'll crucify us as it's against the rules within the bible.
there was an incident where my bfs Mum forced me to eat my dinner after work (at 9:30PM) with this girl, having been tired & headachey after a bad shift, I wasn't feeling up to socializing, so I was naturally quiet. this girl turned to his mum & told her that I said I hate her,(which is a complete lie) as I don't hate this girl directly, nor do I blame her. I'm more so resenting my bfs parents, as they've made it perfectly clear (through a sms), this girls emotions and feelings is all that matters, no one elses aswell as creating this stress for my bf & I.
I literally don't know how to handle this situation or how to think/feel! I've asked other females of various ages from 18-49 their opinion and all have said apart from the crying fits, I'm handling it better than they would. It's really hard knowing when I leave, there's another girl there with him, as after 7 yrs together it should really be me..
Welcome to the forum, this is a friendly supportive and caring place.
I can understand how you may feel awkward with your bfs parents taking in a young woman close to your age.
Before this young woman came to live at your bfs parents house did you have any problems with them?
I can understand after 7 years of being with your boyfriend you would trust him . I suppose because this girl is in need of support and she may say and do things because she needs help.
I can see why you may be worried but as you trust your boyfriend, the more you comment about the living arrangements the more your bf may get annoyed. Maybe as far as he is concerned he admires his parents as they are helping someone in trouble and hopes you may too.
I can see why his parents attitude may upset you as nobody wants to feel their feelings don't matter.
How do you think you maybe able to cope for the next few months?
Thanks for sharing your story
Hi Kayla and welcome!
It can definitely be tough when things seem somewhat out of our control. With control being defined as 'effective management', can you think of a variety of ways in regard to how you can effectively manage the situation? A few ideas to consider:
- Focus on love, not fear. What I mean is instead of fearing what could happen, focus on strengthening the already existing bond/love you share with your bf
- If there are certain things you love doing together, do more of this and focus on the joy
- Think up some new things you can both do together. Adding ventures to your life and relationship creates a sense of adventure and newness
I imagine you can think of a few things yourself, to add to the list of ideas. I also imagine your bf will enjoy this kind of focus. The bonus is - creativity and a sense of achievement or adventure can help boost natural 'happiness chemicals' in our body. On the other hand, repetitive stress can leave us lingering in fight/flight/freeze mode, unable to fully appreciate the opportunities that lay before us.
By the way, I'm not suggesting you suddenly start becoming super clingy, as this may actually put a strain on your relationship. What I am suggesting is that you find ways to help the relationship mature and evolve in a way that reflects mutual investment/commitment and joy.
Whilst you may be perceiving this girl as a threat, I imagine she feels the same way about you: The family is already comfortable with you, you've established yourself in their life. From the perspective of the animal world, she has set foot in your territory and she'd be well aware of that. How she handles that territory over the coming weeks remains to be seen. If she does appear to be overstepping certain boundaries, you are well within your rights to raise legitimate issues with your bf's parents. It is their home and I believe she should be held accountable to them regarding how she conducts herself whilst she's staying with them.
You never know Kayla, this girl coming into the house may be what leads you and your boyfriend to grow even closer on your exciting journey together.
Take care of yourself