Relationship advice

[Christy]

Hi,

I’m new to this and new to asking for help or support.

I’m known for being very positive, bubbly and happy go lucky.

I enjoy life and optimistic. 
However, I feel like my relationship with my partner is turning for the worst. He’s making me feel like I can’t be my true self and I’ve started avoiding saying or doing certain things because of how he can react.

He's very unpredictable and short tempered. He can just blow up into a rage.

We have been together for 3 years ( living together for 18months) 

He’s not a great communicator and neither am I when it comes to confrontation which doesn’t help but I’m more scared of his reaction if I speak up about how I feel. 
This I know is very unhealthy & I can feel in myself how it’s affecting me mentally. 
We’re both in our early 40s and have been in long term past relationship before. 
He has nothing good to say about his ex wife, it’s all very toxic but as I’m getting to know him more & see his other side I’m doubting a lot!! 
Of course there’s always 2 sides to the story but the way he describes things I feel he has no insight into how he behaves so any comment or questioning on things he says can make him get extremely defensive and verbally aggressive (never been physical but it does concern me that if I pushed his buttons it might be possible) I could be overthinking this and totally wrong. 

I have been at the brunt of his behaviour a few times now and decided to end it 6 months ago but after things calmed down I couldn’t just walk away because I care too much. 
Now I’m wondering if I should have ended it. 
I’m noticing so many more traits in him that make me feel uneasy and upset. 
He can twist things I’ve said and I feel tries to play games to get a reaction from me. 
obviously it’s very difficult to give all the examples but I’ve started making a diary of some incidents just so I know I’m not going mad. 
Then I tell myself the positive things about him because he’s not all bad! 

Friends and family love him, he’s quiet & easy going but they’ve never witnessed this other side & im not sure they’d believe it. 
I haven’t told anyone about how he can behave because I don’t want them to be different towards him but I’m really feeling the pressure of staying in this relationship and just not sure how to end it or if I should.

[melodica]

Welcome to the forum. I’m glad you reached out.
As I read your post, I notice how thoughtfully you’re already tuning in to yourself, weighing words, gauging his reactions, holding back. When that happens, something inside is usually on alert. What do you notice in your body or thoughts when you decide what feels “safe” to say?
You also mentioned ending the relationship six months ago. That’s a significant step, often reached after a lot has built up. What felt most certain to you then, before things settled again?
Some of what you describe can appear in emotionally abusive patterns.  Unpredictable responses, conversations that leave you second-guessing, and the growing need to keep peace over honesty. Over time, that can wear down confidence and lead someone to track moments to stay anchored in their own sense of truth. When there are also real positives, it can be confusing to trust your unease.
The private version of a person often speaks louder than the public one. Being well-regarded doesn’t always make a relationship feel safe from the inside. Carrying that contrast without support can be exhausting.
You’ve already begun writing things down, which shows a strong instinct to stay connected to yourself. As you keep reflecting, what stands out when you read your words back?

[randomxx]

Hi there op.

Sorry about the dilemma , my first gf was a lot like he sounds. But eh wouldn't be too quick defending the ex either , weird how a lot of women do that but eh she might've made him that way and be 10x worse, mine was, turned me into an absolute strung out bad tempered overly defensive nut.That's just how she effected me , full stop.

But your in a tough spot for sure, l know it as l say to a T. l had to leave her in the end, 6yrs later bc she'd actually gotten worse where as ofc l'd hoped she'd get better. Maybe we just clashed or pushed the wrong buttons l dunno, l sure as seemed to push hers but then over time l noticed everyone else did to, and so did they once they knew her better.

Anywayyyyy, in your case yeah, if he doesn't improve l;m afraid you'll probably have to make a decision , unless there's some reason he's particularly has a pissed off bee under his bonnet of late.

My ex, no bee, unless l was the bee ha ha, dk, long time ago butttt, could be that with you to or maybe it's just him if there's no other things in his life atm doing it.

rx

[Christy]

Thank you for your response, 

I honestly try not to read what I’ve written down in my diary because it makes me feel anxious and ashamed, especially when things are going well.

I find that I’ve become hyper vigilant in our relationship in regards to how the mood is &  that is very draining. 
I tell myself to relax & worry that maybe I’m overthinking but now as soon as I sense a change in his demeanor, I then get an overwhelming feeling of stress & worry that I’ve done or said something wrong. 
I know this is unhealthy & sometimes I admittedly read him wrong & it’s got nothing to do with that I’ve said or done but that feeling is now becoming more evident. 

He dismisses my suggestions but then sometimes will go ahead and do what I suggested anyway without aknowledgement. I find that such a strange behaviour as I’m the opposite and will cheer him & encourage any advice from him. 
I’ve lately tried to stop doing that (again, changing my own behaviour) 

[therising]

Hi Christy

It sounds like you're facing great challenge at the moment both with your partner and within yourself. 

As a 55yo gal, I've found one of the greatest challenges with developing sensitivity into something that can really come to work for me actually involves better understanding others, myself, my circumstances and a whole lot more. You mention being able to sense your feelings, your partner's feelings and his nature to some degree, which indicates you're incredibly good at reading/sensing (most likely at a higher level than most), which leads me to wonder whether you're a bit of an empath to some degree. Something a lot of empaths tend to struggle with, on the way to mastering such an ability, involves knowing how to manage the volume dial and the on/off switch in regard to feeling other people's emotions. Another challenge for some feelers or sensitives can involve feeling the need to manage other people's emotions. It's kinda like 'If I can manage you not coming to feel and express your anger, I won't have to feel your anger'. 

It can definitely be hard at times with certain people. While we could feel some genuinely beautiful part of them come to life on occasion which oozes compassion, love, sensitivity and more, in the next moment a whole different part of them can be triggered to come to life. While someone could be so incredibly down for a period of time while their inner critic's getting the better of them with some seriously brutal inner dialogue, the intolerant self righteous aspect of them could suddenly come to life with exactly the right trigger. The next day could be even more different or extreme. For example, if you can trigger the completely care free nature of a person to come to life, they could appear to be the most carefree person in the world as they could not care less about spending the money for the next electricity bill, when the carefree shopping spree leads them to feel pure joy. There are so many facets to us. Some of them need serious addressing, especially when they're creating a kind of hell on earth for others. If you could live with the raging maniac coming to life in your partner on occasion (which I don't recommend), that's one thing. If you can't live with that, the best solution would be to live apart. Given your past experience, how did it feel not living with that for a period of time? How did it feel to be free to be yourself during that time? Would it be fair, do you think, to say to your partner something along the lines of 'There are parts of you I absolutely love living with and parts that lead me to feel incredible fear and dread. You need to let me know whether you're going to address the fearful and dreadful parts so that I gain a greater sense of the way forward'? ❤️