Abusive relationship and psychosis

[kristin]

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my partner for a year and seven months. I’m from Hawaii and he lives in Australia. We met online through mutual friends and immediately connected. Our relationship started very sweet, and I traveled to Sydney every few months to see him. Over time, things slowly declined. He began insulting me, being cruel, and we argued constantly. I was often unhappy, but the good moments would return and pull me back in. I later learned he has struggled with psychosis since childhood and has never received consistent treatment. His family told me this has happened many times before. His last relationship ended badly, involving abuse and legal issues—things he had lied to me about or completely fabricated. I felt deep sympathy for him because of his abusive upbringing and mental illness, but none of it excused the way he treated me. On my final trip, things escalated severely. He became verbally abusive, dropped me at the airport suddenly, and acted like he was done with me. His family explained he was in active psychosis. When I went back to him the next day, he was completely different—emotionless, robotic, and frightening. He pressured me into sexual situations I didn’t want, treated me like an object, insulted me, compared me to other women, and switched rapidly between crying, laughing, and rage. I felt unsafe. When his roommate came home and saw how bad it was, help was called. My partner became violent, and I had to run to safety. That was the last time I saw him. He was hospitalized but released too early and had another severe episode shortly after. He is now back in the hospital. Our relationship appears to be over, but I’m struggling deeply. I loved him, and there were real moments where I felt cared for and valued. At the same time, I was abused and hurt. I don’t know if his behavior was entirely due to his illness or if he simply didn’t love me. I’m devastated because everything ended so suddenly, without closure or a real goodbye. I wrote him a letter to read when he’s well, but I feel stuck while it seems he has already let go. His family believes he may have schizophrenia or BPD, and substance use triggered this episode. I’m heartbroken and trying to understand whether what we had was real, why he didn’t just end the relationship if he didn’t care, and how to begin processing the loss of someone I believed was the love of my life

[Alikiwi]

First of all can I say ouch! I've been through hell and high water, many times, but nothing quite like this. I knew someone who I (still) consider to be the love of my life, but circumstances prevented it going anywhere. So I vaguely know how you feel.

I've also dealt with (for 10 years) someone with PTSD and anxiety. I honestly feel for you and can see you tried your best. It's good that his family seemed to have been honest with you, whereas he hasn't. Knowing the pain of trying with all your might to help someone who needs help but who doesn't seem to be prepared to get proper help, I feel that you should now put yourself first.

Others may disagree but I think you need to step away, or put it to him that he eithers gets help, or it's over. From my experience, you can lead a horse to water, but no way can you force it to drink. Sorry I know this isn't really helpful, but I see only more pain for you if you don't step away. Maybe someone has another point of view?

[randomxx]

Sorry to say op and this is just my opinion , no expert or shrink butttt.

l've just spent over 6yrs trying to deal and cope with MH issues not quite as bad as your man but she wasn't far off.

Sadly , she actually just got worse over that time, all sorts of meds and ldk how many doctors, by then mid 50s. We've parted now unfortunately for good this time it looks but l just can't see another way.

They say , l find this out 6yrs too late mind you buttt, if they show you whom they are, believe them.  l couldn't even imagine how you could manage dealing and coping with him he sounds far worse than my now ex but with her nothing could win. Your man, even with the right meds and treatment supposing they could even find those , to me , it just sounds un doable in any real relationship long term sense. A yr and a half, honestly, if l was you l'd take my sanity and run before it's soon 5 yrs, 10, who knows !

Sorry about that , rx

[kristin]

i agree.. right now i have no choice but to step away. his family, my family. all agree i should cut him off. i’m not ready to do that yet so i still have photos and have him in my contacts and socials. But i wont reach out to him. If he reaches out to me i dont know if I’ll even respond but i did write him a letter to leave for him when he’s well. I dont think we will ever be together again knowing how long it’s been and hes still not getting help. and the fact that ive been through so much already i dont know if i can go back to someone who did that to me. Its so hard but i have to face reality.. 

[randomxx]

Hiya op.

That's the go yeah, step back, get your bearings and perspective , think about things. My now ex had a real habit of just calling up at those times like nothings happened, all have and chatty and just back to our best us, her best her, got me  back in everytime. That's all l wanted, l loved that us, that her. Sadly though it never lasted long later, damn it. Just sayin ,our thing, not so much for yours l don't know but for ours yeah, that was my trap.

Anyway, take your time, find your thoughts when they come.

rx

[kristin]

he’d never fail to apologize but it repeats again. I do feel the same i get lured back in but his problems are so heavy right now that it doesn’t help our relationship in the long run. i really have no choice but to step back. i could message him whenever but i don’t know even if he’d reply or what’s going on with him. I’ve just been in panic mode because we haven’t been separated like this before and it feels like a nightmare.

[Alikiwi]

Well I think you hit it on the head with saying it feels like a nightmare. I know that feeling, and when I put my ex on a plane back to the USA and got in my car (after 10 years) and sat down, I said "good bloody riddens." Kinda shocked myself, but it summed it up. Time for you Kristin, look after yourself.

[Guest_37965455]

Hello

I've just come out of a very similar situation to this.

It's really hard. Because you care about them.

But there's one really important thing that you have to realise. Once you understand this, you'll know what you have to do.

You can't make somebody with a mental illness "fix themselves". They will only seek treatment and work to get better if they choose to do that. And a lot of the time they're just not open to that. That was the case with my girl who I was recently forced to permanently break contact with, after 5 years and so many attempts to make it work and to help her.

It sounds like that might be the case with your fella. It's sad, but you have to look after yourself first. You can't let someone keep hurting you.

That's the core thing - you have to look after yourself first. And until he's really seeking treatment and working with the people trying to help him, I think probably your only option is to break contact.

I think writing a letter is a good idea. You could even leave the door open in there if you want - "I'd be willing to talk to you, if you can show me that you're committed to getting treatment and dealing with your mental health issues".

I did something similar. But I'm pretty sure it's going to be permanent this time - I've given her so many chances to do *something* about it. She refuses. I doubt she'll ever do anything about it. Which means unfortunately I just can't be in her life.

"I’m heartbroken and trying to understand whether what we had was real"

Yeah I've been doing a lot of that. I do believe that she cares about me, maybe even loves me, but I don't think that has any impact when the psychosis hits. It's almost like a jekyll and hyde thing: it was real with one of them but the other one is IMO just not rational enough to really even have a concept of love - they're too buried in their own thing to even consider it. 

I hope this helps? It's not an easy pill to swallow, but I think you already knew all this. hopefully hearing it from someone else will help you in some way 🙂