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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Guest_294 I’m losing myself to my relationship
  • replies: 1

It has been years since I have posted on BB and I haven’t really felt the need to come back to it but I feel like I am falling apart a bit at the moment. The summary of the story is this: I have been dating my boyfriend S for around 8 months now. We ... View more

It has been years since I have posted on BB and I haven’t really felt the need to come back to it but I feel like I am falling apart a bit at the moment. The summary of the story is this: I have been dating my boyfriend S for around 8 months now. We flew into our relationship, two months after I got out of a serious 4 year relationship that broke down very bitterly and left me with a lot to work through in therapy (still need to make a start on that). S is, on paper, wonderful. He is incredibly thoughtful, he is intelligent, he fits in with my friends and family and I’m in love with his. Our lives mesh together like they were meant to. We are in the same line of work and have similar aspirations for our future. Recently, some cracks have started to appear for me but no one would know they were there. I have found myself super frustrated by his tendency to play the hero - he will write himself in as the “responsible one” to every drunken night out, or the “sensible voice” who calms every fight. For every story he tells, there is an element of him “saving the day”. It is bordering on self-centred (over)-confidence in my mind. I feel like we also have very little to talk about when we’re not talking about an imagined future: when we move in together, when we have kids, when we live overseas, when we travel the world, when we decorate our home. We very rarely have anything to say about the present. I worry that, other than this imagined future, we actually don’t have much in common. He hasn’t seen or heard of any of the movies or music I love, we don’t read the same books or have the same hobbies, he prides himself on exercise and productivity whilst I am more inclined towards reading and relaxation. Our work talks only take us so far and then we start discussing our kids names. Also…the intimacy aspect of our relationship is very limited, occasionally non existent. There are some more selfish / shallow things I’m worried about / find myself suddenly unattracted to or getting the ick from…but that is less important (although feeling hard to overcome as well…). I had a very messy relationship with my ex. He was emotionally manipulative and made me feel like I had to shrink to accomodate and remediate his insecurity - if I succeeded at something, he felt like he had failed, so I just stopped talking about my success until it felt like it wasn’t one. I stayed with him far too long and it was only through deep and consistent emotional manipulation that I stayed and went back as many times as I did. I think what I am really worried about now though is a chronic lack of any sense of self. My forum posts reflect the fact that since I turned 18 I have never had a period of being single that lasted longer than 4 months. I have jumped from serious relationship to serious relationship and have had almost no time by myself as an adult. When I ended my last relationship I promised myself I would put myself first and find that sense of self I had been missing and instead I did what I have always done and jumped to the next one. Now I find myself with no clue of who I am without S. His friends are my friends; we spend our weeks participating in his hobbies; I have almost no hobbies of my own and I hardly spend time with my own closest friends. None of this to say that is particularly S’s fault - he himself is deeply independent and I’m sure he would be upset to think I felt so trapped but the reality is I think I am not good at being in relationships. I give my entire self to a person and don’t even reserve any for me. He has every part of me and it feels like there’s nothing left. I don’t know who I am without him. Can I remedy this whilst I’m still in this relationship? Part of me wants to cut and run, another part feels like I’ll never find anyone this good again. To make matters complicated, the people in my life have strong feelings on the matter too. When I discussed with my family, they said they had never seen me happier than with S, and I shouldn’t sabotage myself or him over nothing. They said that the people in my life, including S, would be blindsided by this change, whatever and however long I had personally felt it. All help and advice is, as always, greatly appreciated.

BobbyOz Feeling Hopeless
  • replies: 1

Hey I’m 23, never had a girlfriend in my life. I have absolutely no idea what to do now. I’m happy to share photos of myself so people can see if I’m ugly or not

Hey I’m 23, never had a girlfriend in my life. I have absolutely no idea what to do now. I’m happy to share photos of myself so people can see if I’m ugly or not

Kittykat Not sure how to take how my husband treated me
  • replies: 8

I have always suspected my husband to be emotionally abusive and I had done alot of research and reading on it. I know he is most likely a covert naracissist. He only treats me badly, even my mum says she gets frustrated by how he treats me but then ... View more

I have always suspected my husband to be emotionally abusive and I had done alot of research and reading on it. I know he is most likely a covert naracissist. He only treats me badly, even my mum says she gets frustrated by how he treats me but then acts so kind in front of her. This morning our 2 year old caused a huge mess with the cat food whilst at the same time our 5 year old went through 3 different bowls of cereal before she would eat what I gave her. So of course my husband was pissed and then questioning me why there were so many uneaten bowls of cereal. I was cleaning up the huge cat biscuit mess and I said under my breath "just shut up" because I get sick of him always complaining about everything and I was the one cleaning up the mess but he wanted an answer to why there were bowls of uneaten cereal. He often goes on complaining rants. He heard me under my breath and I guess I said it just loud enough so he did hear me, I wont lie. But then he raised his voice and made me repeat what I said so I told him I said "shut up, you are going on and on again and you don't need to make your kid feel bad for not liking what they are having for breakfast" and his response was "who the hell do you think you are" and I said here we go again, because I know he was raised by a really controlling and abusive mum. I know he has a complex about being told what to do (so I know how to word asking him to do something if I need help, otherwise he cracks it at me). So I did tell him to shut up quietly because he was on another rant. He then said "honestly who the f%$# are you, you are nothing to me, just another peasant ". I didn't say anything back and gave it some time for him to cool down, I then told him what he said is horrible and is showing to me he might just be the naracissist I suspected with a grandiose view of himself. He then reckons I took it the wrong way and he said I was a peasant just like he is a peasant and everyone is a peasant. But would anyone else take it like he was referring to himself aswell... or just trying to make me know he thinks I am beneath him and he thinks the rest of society is beneath him. I think he was frustrated by the kids mess and me telling him to shut up that he let his true side show. Im so confused.

Guest_01013409 just a quick vent
  • replies: 1

hi, I'm 14 and I have a girlfriend (we will call her gf as to not expose personal info) but I used to be very depressed since 2020 due to trauma and I picked up bad addictions. and my friend invited me to go and like do one of these things together, ... View more

hi, I'm 14 and I have a girlfriend (we will call her gf as to not expose personal info) but I used to be very depressed since 2020 due to trauma and I picked up bad addictions. and my friend invited me to go and like do one of these things together, and my gf is upset at me because I've been doing it alot over the holidays and they don't want me to and they said they won't be around me at school for tomorrow if I end up doing it. I love her alot and I just want to talk to people to feel a bit better as I have been recovered from depression due to my relationship and medication

CMF Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?
  • replies: 91

So I've been wandering around the forums and reading people's threads hoping I can be of some use to someone. I've noticed I've been gravitating to threads regarding relationships and breakups and they sound quite similar and the same as my own exper... View more

So I've been wandering around the forums and reading people's threads hoping I can be of some use to someone. I've noticed I've been gravitating to threads regarding relationships and breakups and they sound quite similar and the same as my own experience. Our hearts are broken by people who: no longer want to be with us; cheat on us; stay with us but don't treat us right; That's just to mention a few. There are many reasons why relationships don't work and its always hard on the person trying to keep it together. So if someone cheats on us, treats us badly, lies to us, isn't around when we really need them, why are we so heartbroken when they leave us or why can't we leave them when we are clearly unhappy with the situation? Why do our hearts hurt so much even though it's been broken? Why do we want to stay with the person who broke it? Do we miss the person or miss the relationship or the idea of the person? I can't stand my ex most of the time, he has good traits but at times is rude, irritating, careless, selfish, treated me very badly but still I find myself feeling sad sometimes when I think of the good times but I remind myself that i'm not sure if that was the real him. I question this because he treats him mum the same way and yet she does everything for him. Yes she is annoying and overbearing but how do you treat your own mother like that when she does as much as she does for you? I used to love his laugh, the late night calls, that he made me feel like a teenager again. Now I find his laugh annoying, he's laughing at my expense, I find him irresponsible and childish. Yet I feel sad. I don't miss HIM. I miss the company, the fun, having someone to do things with. I feel lonely. None of this is a new revelation. You can google the topic and read up on it. In time we may start to enjoy being on our own again, being our own person, not being put down or treated badly. We realise we have the chance to meet someone else, someone who really wants us and treats us great, our soul mate. So why do we feel lonely and miss a person who mistreated us, or cheated on us? Why do we fight hard to be with someone who doesn't want us? Why is it so hard to move on? cmf

Guest_36619862 someone just tell me something- im so lost and done.
  • replies: 1

my boyfriend left me. context: hes been my best friend for 4 years and boyfriend for 1.5 years I kept the relationship a secret for 1.5 years, and finally told my parents (kept it from them for cultural and religious reasons). after telling them that... View more

my boyfriend left me. context: hes been my best friend for 4 years and boyfriend for 1.5 years I kept the relationship a secret for 1.5 years, and finally told my parents (kept it from them for cultural and religious reasons). after telling them that i will fight for him, against their wishes, they had no choice but to accept my choice. this was extremely hard to do, but i did it for him. I made a promise to him, to tell him and keep him informed on everything my family says. My family said they dont like that his parents are uneducated, despite him being educated, and therefore they think he would have different values and ethos to us because of this. After telling him this, he felt beyond disrespected, and having valued his family so much he decided to leave me. He couldnt be with me because he knows that in order to be with me, it means choosing me over his family in his head. It means accepting what my parents said about his. We are very much in love, soul tied, but cannot be together because of this. For him, a moral line was crossed. After all the fighting i did for him, for it to end like this kills me. I had no control over anything and now im left in excruciating pain, wondering how to process and move on. i know the first step is starting to accept and respect his decision, which to me means not reaching out and remaining in no contact. However, I cannot escape this unbearable feeling that I lost the one. My best friend for life is gone. Help.

AWILL My depressed teenage daughter dating a marijuana addict and now is too!!
  • replies: 2

I really can't believe it when the words come out of my mouth " my beautiful, intelligent 15 y.o daughter is addicted to dope as is her boyfriend" I don't know the girl we're living with. We used to have a bubbly, funny gorgeous well adjusted soul. W... View more

I really can't believe it when the words come out of my mouth " my beautiful, intelligent 15 y.o daughter is addicted to dope as is her boyfriend" I don't know the girl we're living with. We used to have a bubbly, funny gorgeous well adjusted soul. We have a happy family and a beautiful life. In year 10this year she has really struggled this year with school, friends etc which is generally quite normal during these adolescent years. We've sought medical advice and she has been prescribed anti-depressants which seemed to be helping along with loads of support. Unfortunately having very low self esteem, a couple of months ago she started dating a 16 y.o boy, also with depression but who also happens to smoke a large amount of marijuana. I didn't like him from day one but of course you can't say that to a 15 y.o in "love"!!! I suspected she also might be partaking but when she started ditching school to hang out with him, her behaviour dramatically changed and her will to do anything disappeared we were left in no doubt. She finally admitted it and we seemed to be helping her withdraw but any suggestion that the boyfriend is not a bad person but just not good for her and contact should be limited results in unparalleled breakdowns. over the past few weeks we appeared to be on top of it but today it was bought to our attention (along which suspiscion due to behaviour again and many false denials) she was smoking again, and he was faciliting it. Once again saying that she would only see him On our terms resulted in another breakdown. We just don't know what to do next. People say -just stop her seeing him!!! If only it were that easy, forbidding a teenager to see her 'love' drives her further into his arms. She can't see that she can't be around people who will facilitate drug use especially given her delicate mental state. I know she is angry at me but I keep assuring her that the Decisions we are making are from love and concern for her welfare?? this is just a nightmare. Will it end???

NAM3-- Choosing to stay through the hard times
  • replies: 3

I suppose I'm writing this looking for a little hope that eventually it will all be worth it. I'm a 33 year old women, been married to my wife for about 5 years and the clock for children is ticking. This has created alot of resentment in our relatio... View more

I suppose I'm writing this looking for a little hope that eventually it will all be worth it. I'm a 33 year old women, been married to my wife for about 5 years and the clock for children is ticking. This has created alot of resentment in our relationship because I was never proactive on this topic. I was not sure I wanted kids due to my own poor upbringing (abuse/neglect) and had said as much. This ambivalance/lack of need to have kids has meant that my wife believes I do not want them. In the past few years, I have grown a desire to be a mother out of my own personal growth and realising I get to choose the life I provide my children...except Covid happened, my wife works remotely and worked very hard in a high stress job through this time due to short staffing so it was never discussed as our communication suffered through this time. We moved recently for a new job for her with better balance...except in that time, her resentment for me has grown so now she thinks I'm saying yes to children to appease her so doesn't trust that I'm not going to blame her in future and leave if I am unhappy. I've tried to explain my perspective and she knows some details of my childhood (not much as I find it very difficult to talk about). We're in councelling but she doesn't see any progress because it is her choice to let go of the resentment but she hasn't made it. It's been a year now and I'm just looking for support to hang in there basically.

Ryan82 I am struggling in my marriage
  • replies: 4

Hi I am a father of 4 our kids range from 3-9 years. I have been married to my wife for almost 9 years. I am writing here to see if anyone else has experienced my situation and to see if anyone has been able to resolve this in their relationship. Fir... View more

Hi I am a father of 4 our kids range from 3-9 years. I have been married to my wife for almost 9 years. I am writing here to see if anyone else has experienced my situation and to see if anyone has been able to resolve this in their relationship. First of all I love my wife very much. My struggle is when it comes to the children. I have never been allowed to take my two boys or two girls anywhere without my wife being present. To me it is normal to take the boys on just a father sons trip ( a weekend at most) but my wife is flat out against it. Her words “Its not necessary, your not a mother you don’t understand, you didn’t grow them in your belly” I understand that I haven’t physically birthed my children and I am not a mother that’s obvious. She says why would I try and hurt her knowing she doesn’t want me to take them. My intention isn’t to hurt her but she doesn’t understand my needs. Is a father not as important as a mother? Does he have no needs in bonding with his kids? I don’t feel much like a father because she always makes the mother the most important figure in a child’s life. When it come to the children she decides everything. Sleep times what they eat where they go everything. I even get told off for giving my 3 year old food because she is feeding her. She won’t even spend time alone with me just to go out for dinner without thinking about the children the whole time we are at dinner. Romancing her trying to treat her to a night out and spend time just the two of us is a waste of time she’s never there with me. I don’t know how to go on from here. I am struggling. I feel like she’d be happier without me.

Luke9 Alcoholic dependant spouse
  • replies: 3

where to begin. My wife and I have been dealing with her alcohol dependency for about 4 years now. We have 3 beautiful kids 8 years old, 6 years old and 4 years old. Long story short for roughly 3 years the drinking was so bad it got to a point where... View more

where to begin. My wife and I have been dealing with her alcohol dependency for about 4 years now. We have 3 beautiful kids 8 years old, 6 years old and 4 years old. Long story short for roughly 3 years the drinking was so bad it got to a point where my wife was buying vodka and transferring into plastic water bottles where she would hide it in order to drink “without me knowing”. I knew every time as it’s quite obvious from the smell to the stumbling, to the same conversations as she wouldn’t remember and so on. I seeked help from my parents to speak to my wife as it was taking quite on toll on our family. My wife ended up realising that she had an alcohol problem and agreed to seek help. Made an appointment with her GP, booked in for a day treatment program that went for 2 weeks. She was on a medication that if she drank it would make her very ill. I stopped drinking also and was happy to never drink again if that is what it would take to beat this illness. Roughly 4 months sober supposably there was a shortage of mediation so she was unable to get anymore. I was hopeful that it had been long enough to not fall back into old habits, however roughly around the 6.5 months I started noticing small signs again that she might be drinking and just before 7 months sober I caught her stumbling down the hallway trying to hide a vodka can. I confronted her, she tried to hide it and then just didn’t care, went and sat outside and proceeded to drink. It has been 2 months now and she will drink everyday. She tries to claim she doesn’t have a problem even though she still hides drinking, will happily start drinking from 10am on the weekends, will find any excuse to go to the shops to then also buy alcohol. She doesn’t work Friday’s so will drink mid morning, sleep and then go buy more alcohol to drink in the afternoon. She has made it quite clear she doesn’t want to stop and thinks she doesn’t have a problem. Every time I bring it up it just causes a fight. She works 4 days a week and since drinking again has only done the full 4 days twice. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this as I am so embarrassed and I also don’t want to embarrass my wife. I haven’t even told my parents that my wife has started drinking again. I don’t know what to do, I am so lost. I told my wife to choose between drinking and our family and it went exactly how I thought it would telling me to go if I want. I can’t make her leave and there is no way I will be leaving our kids with her so I can’t just leave. What do I do? What can I do? My kids are my everything, they don’t deserve this.