Just existing

[Exsistance74]

I’m almost 52 and feel like I’ve hit a dead end in life after finding out some real bad monstrosity of choices my 2 children/adults have done, which one of them use to live with me, because of this I’ve lost my only grandson!

The first year of his life I basically raised him as my daughter was struggling being a mother, this gave me another purpose in life to live.
I come out when I wake make a coffee take my first lot of meds and smoke my Tabbaco sitting on the balcony and play games on my iPad this is my day!

The last 2 months have been probably the worst emotionally in my entire life existence.

without fail I wake up every morning and wonder why I’m still on this earth, I no longer have a want to be alive nor motivation to do anything.

Im struggling financially, have no one to confide in, am extremely overweight and breaking down physically.

I had 3 friends 1 being an alcoholic, only known for 6 years, lives in a caravan park, one lives way too far from me, I’ve known her since year10 but is quite demanding she has a kid that’s 10years younger than mine, the other I’ve known for 5 years, I can and do trust her but she’s 10years younger and has her own bad stuff that she is dealing with and her kids are younger but she always thinks she knows everything, as of recent I lost 1 due to her  pathetic drunken verbal loose mouth.

My only family left is my baby brother and he doesn’t know what or how to deal with this horrible situation.

I have a partner and he loves me, but he’s an alcoholic!, but he goes to work every day he has to, he’s really good at his job but is over worked and extremely underpaid he has been financially supporting me of late, he too is struggling with this monstrosity my children have done too!, I appreciate all the years he’s hung onto this broken family of mine, but I feel he’s wasting his life continuing it with me he’s still young enough to go make a child of his own, sadly I wasn’t able to bare a child for him.

So I struggle to wake up every day and wonder why I’m still alive?

I have no motivation to do anything like cooking my partner’s meals and he really needs to put weight on.

I have 2 rooms here in our rental that are empty and need to be emptied and organised so we can rent them out to help our financial status but I’m struggling with that as it was my grand baby and daughters rooms.

I just get by doing the dishes and washing clothes for the sake of my partner only.

Im constantly cry missing my grandson and am extremely worried about his safety of what his mother may do to him?, but I’m just a grandma and have no right to do anything.

I'm dammed if I do and dame if I don’t.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm sorry you're going through all this from all directions.

I'm wondering- what "monstrosity" act was done by your children to break contact? This is pivotal to the problem as I see it. 

Some grandparents dont fit well into the role of an actual grandparent, by that I mean they can do things that push the parents buttons or dont help out enough. Thats why the question I asked.

You have a catch 22 in fact, in that you aren't financial and hobbies/interests need money. Hobbies are the most easiest way to overcome boredom or distract your mind. So expanding your life is the only thing you can do for that distraction, so maybe a local club? We have a community house in our town that the ladies gather to help out those not financial enough to buy food and a team helps them. They always need volunteers. Have you tried such an idea? 

I cant help much more but I'd like it if you replied with more information.

Thankyou  TonyWK

[Jessica_Cloud]

You sound depressed. I suggest you see your GP. 
As parents of adult children, we need to remember that they will choose to leave us, and they come back when they need help. It sucks but that’s the way it is. We need to have a life outside of our kids. 

[Exsistance74]

Thank you TonyWK I appreciate your empathy.

Pivotal is an understatement TonyWK………

Well since I remain a stranger on this site and know one knows me why not tell you as I have know one anyway, hell you may even be able to give me some form of help to get me over this punch in the gut.

Firstly my daughter lied to me and everyone in the community that she had lost her memory.

Secondly she and my son had been having sex for I don’t know how many years long?
I don’t know if my Grandson is actually the child of both my son?

I've come to the conclusion that it seems to be a reoccurring problem with the sperm donators family he had sex with my daughter his mother had sex with him my kids had sex with each other.

What worries me TonyWK is my grandson was rapped last year well I was overseas on holidays having respite from being my daughter’s carer, she never said anything till it happened again 2 weeks later after I came home at that daycare she recons?! She said the police didn’t have enough evidence and the daycare didn’t have any video footage of anything happening there! So What if it was her? What if she is going to be the perpetrator and end up having sex with my grandson? My heart is just absolutely shattered and ripped into shreds as my grandson was like the child my partner and I couldn’t have.

I had been warned over the years from numerous amount of people to keep my daughter out of my life as she is a liar but I ignored this and defended and believe her!, how I have paid for this and I believe my beautiful innocent grandchild will too.

I reported the incest to DOCs! Guess what they said…….. there is nothing they can do!

[Exsistance74]

Ah yeah I think that is quite apparent Jessica_Cloud.

I knew my daughter was going to leave one day but not under these circumstances and not so far away and not with a stranger that she had been dating on the internet and only meet once!

Jessica_Cloud I will never have her come back to my home EVER! But my grandson yes!

That is a mistake I’ve made unfortunately on my behalf, as my whole life was just my kids now I need to  find out who I am and what I like? I feel truthfully that I’m not young like I use to be and I’m not worthy of a life and I don’t really care anymore!

[Sophie_M]

Hi Exsistance74,  

Thank you for reaching out with what has been going on for you. It sounds painful and so difficult to be dealing with these worries regarding the welfare of your grandchild. We’re sorry to hear what you’re going through but we’re glad you had the strength and bravery to share this here.

We wanted to reach out to you to make sure you're ok and provide some additional support. If you'd prefer to call us, we're on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach us online via our webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/   

It sounds like you could use some support with this. If you'd like to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect they're experts on different forms of abuse on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here: https://chat.1800respect.org.au/#/welcome 

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story, you are not alone. If you’d like to share a bit more here about how you’ve been feeling, our kind community will be here to offer their support and understanding.    

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[white knight]

Its sad when your adult children grow up not continuing on with the values you taught them. Sadly, nowadays there is a frequent answer- cutting you off, if you dare complain. Furthermore it is common now for many to have sex on the first night. Because its common they dont see any problem. 

Clearly there was only one way you could have avoided the situation of losing your grandson- allow them to make their adult choices regardless of what they are. Can you do that if given the opportunity? If so then your only two options are to- 1. Apologise and repair the relationship  or 2. Move on and plan your future.

My MIL at 58yo became a foster mum. One idea.

Thankyou for clarifying the details I asked for. 

"When we give our heart to a baby it remains there, no matter what. Be proud your separation was no fault of yours"

TonyWK 

[Exsistance74]

It is truely really horrible what my daughter and son have done and your right they have no morals that I’ve passed down no shame in what they have done like it was nothing!

When my partner told our oldest daughter off in absolute disbelief and disgust of the findings of what had happened he said to her,’ how dare you do this in our home or more so in our grandsons room!! She just snarled and laughed at my partner and said actually we f#@$ed on the lounge.

My partner believes that she is really all types of messed up in the head and really should not have the pleasure raising our grandson nor be around any children in that matter.

The thing is I know this about my daughter that’s why I was her carer, this is the very reason my heart is shattered! but like the department of community services said there is nothing we can do as grandparents.
My grandson will end up being another statistic.
I spent my entire childhood and half my adult hood protecting my baby brother I couldn’t ever imagine doing such a disgusting act!!

They have both cut me and hubby completely out of their lives, this is now something they will regret, because when I cut some one out of my life it’s forever there will be no coming back.

TonyWK I will be planning my life without them in it!!

It is time to think only of my other children and my partners life now, time to move forward I’m sick of constantly crying!

Its time to find me again starting as of today!

Thanks for the yarn TonyWK it’s really appreciated.

[white knight]

I will tell you about my experience as a father with an estranged daughter. My eldest daughter I'm very close to, no issues, my youngest was groomed to dislike me as she grew up when we were divorced. So briefly, at 14yo for no apparent reason, my daughter rang me and said "I dont want to see you anymore". When pushed for a reason, she wouldnt give one "I just dont". That made me suspicious. 

When she went into hospital for a serious back operation she refused me to visit her. When she needed at 16yo orthodontist work costing $15,000 I paid it even though her mother was liable for half of it. I gave her the million dollar smile.

She's 33yo now and between 14 and 28yo she would contact me on facebook only (so she could block me at will), seek out information with the promise of a "new start" but days later she'd block me. But 6 years ago for a period of 10 days she seemed genuine. She still refused to give me her address for birthday, xmas cards and her phone number. Then, 10 days later she blocked me. I'd had enough, with all my bipolar issues I then blocked her!!. She had no actual way of contacting me unless she knocked on my door!

It had been hell for me to cope with the loss of that daughter, as a dad I used to carry her everywhere and always provided eg all child support and attended concerts and parent and teacher interviews. I was shattered but... I had to finally put my health as number one because she wasnt. 

Like you I cried and cried. It's a deep grief. But now if she knocked on my door I'd invite her in and I've decided to - be firm, fair, direct and unbending because her behaviour was ruthless and cruel. I'd then let her out the door and I'd feel no guilt because I gave her opportunity to talk and I would get a lot off my chest.

So, yes we need to move on and the best method is to get a lifestyle that is very busy, full of activities, distract yourself and give love to those that adore you. 

You can do that. You deserve better and much better standards in your life. Let them go.
Moss doesnt form on a rolling stone"

TonyWK