Relationship advice

Lost23

Hi, hope everyone is well. So im mid 40s M and my partner is mid 30s F, its a interracial relationship. We have been together 4 years, we have never lived together as im from the country and she is in the city. At first I would visit her for 3 or 4 days at a time due to my work schedule, we have had the usual arguments about my ex, she suffers from anxiety which I new from the very beginning, so we had arguments which turned in to personal attacks the usual your not a man, im not your mother, you dress ugly, you never do anything and more. I would always point out her behaviour, but never point out her flaws. The intimacy was always amazing. I always helped her financially as she didnt work up untill mid last year, I mean paid for everything Bond for her, rent, food, trips overseas to see her family, hotels and a lot more, this never bothered me because I know she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. At the moment I pay half her rent and still pay for food and necessities. But when I try and explain that I need to save money to buy a house, she says I shouldn't of offered to pay for everything. Which im guilty of getting frustrated and angry, because I work overtime regularly. It's a constant struggle ATM but I just gotta keep going. As of a couple of months ago, very limited intimacy, as when I visit her we argue about petty things, like the footwear I was wearing, then the directions when we went for a walk, what to eat, I cooked dinner the lettuce was to big in the salad, then the way I cleaned the bathroom, it was just a mess, I had to sleep on the floor in the lounge room, I bought her a couch the next day put it together, and at the time I was angry and frustrated then I wanted to talk about us, that we need to talk about the previous day, it was about me not being a man and I need to go to therapy, I said we needed to go to couples councillors which turned into nothing is her fault, but I blame her for everything, she told her sister she was single, I tried to ask about that and she told me she has not told or family or friends about me cause they wouldn't accept and I said how would you know they have never met me, me only met one friend but im unsure what she has told her, she has met my parents, she shuts out any kind of conversation about how she feels, so I left and get a message

I always argue, don't get me wrong I know that it takes 2 people to argue and im not perfect, but I never use her insecurities against her. I have asked her what she sees in me and just tells me what's wrong with me, And I know her mental health is not helping the situations. I just want advice and please don't hesitate to ask for more context, do I just keep trying or do I just walk away

Croix

Dear New Member~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum and hope it may give you a new perspective on your relationship.

Please forgive me for being blunt, it would be of no service ot you to pussy-foot around problems.

You are a person who is generous of both yourself and your finances and do not seem to ask anything unreasonable in return. You mentioned you had not lived together due to locations and also that your 'partner' has not mentioned the relationship to her family.

That does not seem the normal way things work. If the relationship was going to be permanent then you would have to be accepted, or if they had religious or other objections she should choose you over them.

OK in the beginning intimacy was all you could have wished for, now 4 years later it is not. At the start you financed your partner in every way. Bond for her, rent, food, trips overseas to see her family, hotels and a lot more, She was in clover and did not go to work.

18 months ago you very sensibly decided to budget for a house and when this meant you had to cut down on your contribution you were met with a most hostile reception and it was suggested you needed to see a councilor.

Arguments have become commonplace, and hey are over the most trivial of matters, down to the size of lettuce. She keeps saying you are not a man, and that is ridiculous, just a kindly person.

I hate to say it but I suspect you have been taken for a ride. You do not get much out of the relationship but provide more than generous finances, even working overtime. You do not have a partner. That is someone who helps you, has your back, tries to make your life as good as possible, and is pleased and proud to be with you.

A partnership should give each other comfort, and that is not happening here, just you trying and getting less and less as a result.

Again my apologies for being blunt.

Please do feel free to keep on talkng about this most upsetting matter

Croix

Lost23

Thankyou Croix, yeah its hard but I don't want to abandon her, its stressful because but everything that's happened i still have hope, im not religious, I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I know there is a connection i have sought counselling through my work and start next week. I know most people would of given up by now and the crazy part is im not even angry about the money as I would of helped even if we stayed friends. I do understand and no problem about being blunt. Im not feeling suicidal or self harm. Maybe I just need to give the ultimatum and see what happens

Once again thankyou Croix much appreciated

Mudcakes

I have to full agree with you here.

Lost23

Thankyou Mudcakes, I know some people have different opinions and definitely no problem with that, I genuinely get along with people but prefer to do my own thing its just I believe there is always that one person you would suffer for and I found that person. CROIX is right, but I am not like everyone else I've known this from a very young age. I still couldn't hate her even if this has all been a lie. I just followed my heart and what will be will be

randomxx

Hi there op , and l'm very sorry bout the situation.

Have to admit though l agree with the others. She's at minimum taking you for granted of late at the very least . She may have been genuine earlier we have no way to know but earlier is also still in the a getting to know ea other phase as well so sometimes as we go along we discover the other might not be for us after all.

Hard to say if it's along those lines , sure you know all that though but it def' sounds like it either was there earlier but has been lost from her side over time, or it just never was more.

l also hate to say it though too but whatever it was it's as l say at min' just taking you for granted nowa days or at worst she's just not feeling it anymore but still enjoying the perks.

Either way, you need an honest answer from her in just what this is with you two now and how she does feel exactly, about you and about you two as a couple and as a future. lmo though you will mostly likely need to stop all your support and move on bc for one you can't tolerate being treated that way from a person that supposedly loves you but even less so if she doesn't.

l'd also like to know with you doing all the stuff you do, just what exactly does her highness do - anything ? Never a healthy thing in any relationship one doing so much the other so little.

Sorry again from me too in sounding so harsh but you need to get to the bottom of this .

Good luck

rx