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Rebuilding and regrouping in light of the seperation I never wanted

Bob_Norton
Community Member

Hi everyone,

It's my first time posting here and, in retrospect, I feel I should have posted here months ago. My wife and I have been separated for a few months. At first, I was absolutely devastated and felt I was surrounded in darkness. I had never cried so much in all my years in existing. We started a trial of 'living apart together' which, in a few weeks turned into a separation.

I feel so ashamed that my marriage has fallen apart; humiliated and embarrassed. I married my wife because I wanted to share my life with her and our families.

That is another thing; I love members of her family so dearly, and I feel like a bus load of people have suddenly died. I really hate my wife for this. My wife and I are now at a stage where we are not talking at all until later in the year. (My suggestion, then I didn't want to do this, but she still does) and doesn't respond to any of my desperate messages or calls.

I have tried online dating because I feel if I don't keep occupied I will get really depressed and regretful. Online dating stresses me as a lot of profiles on some sites I've been to appear to be obviously fake. Does anyone have a suggestion on an affordable, good dating website? Thank you for listening today.

Bob

2 Replies 2

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Bob

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for having the strength to post

I am very sorry about your marriage and all the pain you have and are going through. You mentioned a good point about how much you miss her family members. That would add to your pain Bob for sure. I have been through the same and understand where you are coming from. It is a dark place to be in.

Internet dating has come a long way from years ago. The top 6 sites request access in the fine print to some of personal ISP info we have...to enable them to sell their client lists to advertisers.....but..the advantages outweigh the negatives.

Its been a few years for me but I think 'eharmony' was 'up there' on the media reviews. Its always a treat to have a chat to other people Bob no matter what the forum and good on you for finding a distraction in a difficult time.

There are many kind folk on the forums that can be here for you. I hope you can stick around

My kind thoughts

Paul

Starwolf
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Bob, welcome.

Thank you for bravely sharing your story. Endings are not easy to cope with , always scary. Grieving the loss of what once was brings on a lot of sadness and regrets. New beginnings, stepping into the unknown can also be terrifying. Where relationships are concerned, there's a sense of having failed. Expectations are always high but the fact is...people do grow apart, circumstances and states of mind do change. When separation occurs, it's because the marriage has become toxic and deemed unrepairable. Whatever the causes, putting an end to it is the wisest thing to do.

Reading your post, it becomes obvious that your ex wants to move on. Respecting her resolve would be fair. The brighter side of separation is that it gives us a chance to do some serious soul searching, evaluate our share of responsibility for the break-up. This avoids taking the same old personal issues into a new relationship. Then the pattern would repeat itself. Before moving on to a new relationship, we must make sure that our association with the last one has been thoughtfully considered and let go of...lest the past is brought along into the future.

It seems you have some way to go before attachment to the previous relationship is cut loose. Perhaps settling for friendships would be a good idea for now. Who knows what may come of those ?

I agree that anonymity makes internet contact risky. Profiles that don't appear fake can actually be the most dangerous...

There is no building friendship without mingling with people. It is made easier if there are common interests. Shunning direct contact will only serve to reinforce self-effacing tendencies and confirm false assumptions that we are unloveable. Do you have any interests or hobbies that could help you join a group of similarly minded others ?

A new circle of friends would help you find your feet again and move on. It often means learning to love ourselves again before we can transfer the feeling to someone else. You have been through a lot. You deserve to put it all behind you and find new happiness and peace of mind.