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Really lonely

Andymac
Community Member

Hi, I’m a 53 year old male. I am 3 years into a separation and have been living alone for that time and my kids come over on the weekends and now my 15 year old daughter doesn’t want to come over. My 13 year old son spends as much time here as he can. He has been fantastic. The thing is in separation I lost my social circle and now I am alone and have been like that for 3 years. My social interaction is with my son only. I have no other social outlet except I go to the gym. I have just started a new job which is great. The bottom line is that I am lonely as hell. I come home to an empty house, the phone doesn’t ring, my family is broken and I have lost all that I was working for. Now it seems pointless . I have been to the docs, seen a physcologist , done some hypnotherapy, read books, meditate and generally do everything I can to stay up and I can’t. I am still here alone and see no way out. This is a slow torture, I don’t want to go home, I don’t need any more time to be alone or take a break and my life is dripping away. I try to find things to do to fill in my time before I can go to bed. I can’t feel lonely when I’m asleep. I have no interaction with anyone and my job is one where I spend the day by myself. I know I have to change this and I don’t know how. I’m not an outgoing person. Has anyone been like this and changed things, I can’t do the online dating which everyone suggests...

8 Replies 8

SubduedBlues
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Andymac, welcome to bb

I am 54, split up with my ex-wife 4 years back and I feel your pain.

When I first split up, I went to Meetup.com just to find things to do to occupy the time... to keep the mind busy... to not be alone all the time. I also started volunteering at all types of charity events for similar reasons. Now days, I have a few friends but the volunteering is the bulk of my social activity.

It is quite commonplace for the friends of married men to be the partners of his wife's friends; just as in other cases the friends of married women is the partners of her husband's friends. It seems as though only 1 person gets to keep their circle of friends and the other has to make do with the partners. It would seem that you ended up in the make-do camp.

Another place to make friends is with your local Lions Club, Rotary, Freemasons, or SES organization. All of these groups provide a regular meeting with the same people to which genuine friendships develop.

Well, this works for me.
SB

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Andymac

Thankyou for having the courage to post and welcome to you

I hear you loud and clear about having little or no social circle. I am 57 and feel the same way as you do Andymac....especially when I read what you wrote...."The bottom line is that I am lonely as hell. I come home to an empty house, the phone doesn’t ring, my family is broken"

SB has great advice above that you have read.

I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I joined here after being made redundant in January 2016 and have met so many kind people that have given me so much support..

My daughter is 25 now and I spent years in the family court just trying to get my weekend contact visits...when she was 2 years old to 6 ...I know that I tried my best.

I understand what you are going through Andymac. The loneliness is painful. I know you mentioned the torture that you have gone through.

You mentioned that you have tried hard to find some quality counseling and good on you Andymac...you have a strong desire to heal.....

Only from my experience....super frequent counseling weekly...or fortnightly is a great healer....(especially if you cry/vent in front of a doc/therapist/counselor)

All I can really say that I really feel what you are going through....and yes it is torture for sure...

you are not alone here......I hope you can find some peace with a regular visit to anyone....having the ability to vent (as you have done here) is a sign of strength

I also have an empty house too....and yes it hurts..(except for my rescued K9 who is my best friend)

There are many very gentle people on the forums that can be here for you Andy...seriously...

My Kind thoughts for you and the pain you are going through

Paul

Hi mate, thanks for the advice. I have looked at and joined a few meetup groups but haven’t gone to one and can’t see myself doing that at the moment. When I posted I thought I was being a bit silly. The loneliness is real and keeping a brave face is just that. It feels like I’m punishing myself or being punished. One of the things is that the loneliness just gives me more time to focus on my situation . I’ll look at the volunteer options and thanks for seeing through the same eyes

Andymac
Community Member

Thanks Paul. It’s even nice to know that I’m not the only one , I’m really sure that there are plenty of people in our position and that you see it as a strength to post here. I felt like it was the other way round. Yes I’m reaching out and it’s a start that I’ve got some advice or camaraderie here. I never thought that I would be posting my position on a forum like this. Now I realise how it can be helpful even from these responses to my post. Thanks

Hi Andymac

Thanks for posting back....I was the same as well when I was having my depression and loneliness problems. The forums actually kept my mind occupied on providing support to other people as well as getting heaps of advice from heaps of people here too

I hope your day is good to you Andymac

My Best

Paul

eolvc
Community Member
Hi, Your post reflects your courage and leave a question about life.Many people are facing a loneliness problem. At this age when we got aged and have completed our almost responsibility then we face such a situation where we feel that there is nothing too much for doing.I think at that stage when no one is with us, we should be with us and try to make new friends with the help of internet and any other methods like as doing charities, participate in functions, do some housework like cleaning the house, reading books and much more.
And the important thing is try to make friends from your working place.that will help you to create your social societies.

goalssss
Community Member

Hi thank you for posting this.

i know what its like to come home to no one every single day, i am newly single and i do understand how hard this must be for you.

have you thought about getting to know yourself rather then finding things to distract yourself? try doing things that you love and that make you happy. possibly do some soul searching?

hope this helps.

Hi Andym.

Feel your sitch, lived it , still am, or could l say l'm back again after relationship break up.

Divorce prior though and yeah spent nearly 3yrs totally alone , only saw a brother now and then or my daughter through the wk and most weekends. Incidentally mine stopped coming around 15 too, it could be just yours natural growing up progression. l talked to parent line , even ex w, read up, anything l could think of and they all told me the same thing. She's just becoming a teen , she had friends and even a bf and every piece of advice l got was that it was just a natural thing at that age for her to wanna start being with her friends and getting out on wkends, and the bf of course, dado's pretty cool but hey he can't compete with a bf . She's 161/2 now and l'm still lucky to see her once or twice a wk. She's just busy,living, friends , the latest bf and if it's not that it's homework, rarely stays over anymore. Even ex says she hardly see's her. Give her time and try to see her anyway you can and always remind her that your always there for her, think it'll be a few yrs yet.

You should and l know you said it wasn't your thing but push yourself to try a date site. Wasn't mine either but about 21/2 yrs after separation l joined one and wound up sitting round on the computer most nights talking to women. Also met a few in person and became good friends with two, Nothing their romantically for me but they were nice girls for sure non the less.

Strangely enough l quit that and accidentally met someone in the divorce forum l was in . Sadly it hasn't worked out but it just goes to show , anything can happen.

Any interest in renovating or moving. Maybe you could buy a house and do it up in your spare time, very very satisfying .

Anyway hang in there , slow old process but you'll find the new you and life will come together bit by bit l'm sure in time. Mine did but then it did a back flip again, who knows for the future right now.

All the best.

All the best.