Boyfriend cheated.. accidentally?

LUCIDFOX_X · ‎07-11-2017

About 2 months ago my boyfriend cheated on me and kissed another girl in public at our local pub (lots of people saw it which is how I found out). When I confronted him about it he was honest straight away (& also said he was very drunk and regrets it massively), only he didn't tell me first, it went through about 5 different people before it got to me. When I asked him if he was ever going to tell me he said "I don't know" which is a bit concerning. Wrong answer. Regardless, I stayed with him. Over the past 2 months he hasn't really done anything to justify my distrust, yet I still find myself snooping on his laptop and phone to make sure I'm not going to be hurt again. I've seen some pretty disturbing images of him with girls, including the girl that he kissed at the pub.. It makes me very sad. We are practically living together, adore the hell out of each other, but he has a history of cheating. I don't have a very solid relationship with my parents, especially my mother, and I've lost 4 of my closest friends over staying with him, which doesn't bother me too much I don't think as they did say "If you don't dump him we will be angry with you" & "We don't support you in this" which isn't typically something that "friends" do... Plus they've been treating me quite badly since the start of the year so, not a major loss I don't think. Aside from that I'm not sure what to do. I'm so scared that he will cheat again but I feel like the only option I have is to just wait and see... Which is hard because he's probably the closest person I have in my life at the moment.

Quercus · ‎07-11-2017

Hi Lucidfox,

This jumped out at me and I had to reply (even if it's not what you want to hear).

"We don't support you in this" which isn't typically something that "friends" do...

I think sometimes friends have to back off for their own mental health. People have limits to how much they can help if you choose not to help yourself. It can be so hard to watch knowing your friend is doing nothing to stop herself being hurt.

I was in an abusive relationship once and my sister said similar to your friends (and worse). When I finally left she was there in a heartbeat to keep me safe but at the time we argued and she would call me blind for staying with him. She was right.

Put yourself in their shoes? How would you feel if your friend tolerated being disrespected and treated badly and kept making excuses for inexcusable things? Helpless? Angry? Unable to listen to her making excuses for his lack of respect?

What makes you feel like you don't deserve better?

Drunk or not going out and chasing other women is not ok and seeing as you're checking his phone maybe part of you knows this won't change? This is not love. This is disrespect.

Don't you deserve a man who loves and respects you?

I think so. Just my opinion of course. It is your life and your opinion that matters. I'm not aiming to upset you just encourage you to think about why you aren't demanding better from him.

Nat

james1 · ‎07-11-2017

Hello Lucidfox,

You sound like you're feeling very afraid of losing him and being on your own. That's very hard and losing friends, even if we feel like they weren't doing the right thing by us, can make us hold on to our remaining supports tighter.

Like Nat said, sounds like he's not treating you with the respect you deserve. People do dumb things when drunk, and I'll be the first to admit that I'd be terrified of telling someone that I'd cheated on them, but I am worried that you're feeling like you have no one else to turn to at the moment. We can be blinded to someone's flaws, or too quick to let things slide, when that person is the only person we have.

Were there any friends in that group who would have a very objective and not "I told you so" attitude if you were to speak to them?

James

geoff · ‎07-11-2017

hi Lucidfox, thanks for coming to the forum.
Alcohol can make people do strange and unusual things, but if he does what he does when he's always 'had a few drinks' then there is a problem, especially for who he is dating, it certainly creates problem after problem and while in this condition photos will be taken, hoping that in the morning you won't see them, but that's what has happened.
You can 'love someone to bits' but if they are known for cheating then you can't trust them, there will be so much which he will try and hide from you, so you can't love a cheater who you have always wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Geoff.

LUCIDFOX_X · ‎08-11-2017

Hi Nat,

Thanks for your responseI don't disagree with you in the slightest.

It more boils down to having genuine support. I know them very well and yes I see why they would react the way that they have but they have been treating me significally poor since the start of the year, excluding the current circumstances.
I've had their back through things that I disagree with completely purely for the fact that they are my friends at the end of the day. I'm naturally an empath, so living in that mindset where I feel other people's pain & suffering is difficult especially when I don't seem to get the same support in return for what I give out (Not that that is what I expect when I help people by the way).

In regards to feeling like I don't deserve better. I think of myself as being quite naive. Throughout my life every friendship I've had have all been destroyed by betrayal, (bullied since Kindergarten till I left school, Year 10) which has definitely dragged on some PTSD & some other issues. I realise that I was disrespected completely, and it stung. But I am also an extremely positive person, therefor I automatically think to myself "What if, what if, what if" and I try again. Stupid I know, but I don't know how else to operate.

I feel that things will improve and I feel that he is trying but I am really scared. I'm just trying to focus on the good.

E

LUCIDFOX_X · ‎08-11-2017

Hi James,

Thanks for your response. I am afraid of being alone which I think is just because (as stupid as it sounds) I just want someone to love and to be devoted to. I don't need heaps of friends, just a best friend & soulmate. I do believe that things can improve with my partner and I really, really hope they do.

I agree with you. The thing is is that he treats me amazingly (despite what happened) I feel appreciated and I feel loved. The trust was obviously broken and I think it just needs some time to heal. We click so well and I believe he loves me. I just don't trust him under the influence of alcohol and he hardly ever drinks alot if I'm not there. If I want to leave the pub before he does then he asks if I want to stay otherwise he will come home with me. The anxiety still follows me around sometimes but it is starting to go away a little bit, it won't dissipate with the flick of a switch.
I am lonely though. It's tough not really having anyone to speak to, especially when I don't really have a lot of dependancy on myself, I have trouble with that. I do appreciate my own being don't get me wrong, but I beat myself up a lot mentally.

They would have a very "I told you so attitude". As I said before, they have been treating me poorly since around January.

E

LUCIDFOX_X · ‎08-11-2017

Hi Billy,

He told you he was a girl? Or was with a girl?

E

LUCIDFOX_X · ‎08-11-2017

Hi Geoff

Thanks for your reply!
Like I said before in response to James' comment: I don't trust him under the influence of alcohol and he hardly ever drinks alot if I'm not there. If I want to leave the pub before he does then he asks if I want to stay otherwise he will come home with me usually.
I can agree with you and unfortunately this is causing me some genuine anxiety. That's the hard part, I feel so often like I'm taken advantage of because (without tooting my own horn) I am a very kind, understanding and empathetic person. I passed this drunk kiss off as a "drunk whoopsie" but I do see where you're coming from. It's definitely not an ideal situation, especially for a 20 y/o F who is living out of home and has a bad relationship with her mother. So if it happened again, moving back to my parents place will make things more complicated for my mindset. Financially it will be easier, but mentally, spiritually and emotionally it will be damaging. I feel like I'm really stuck in a rut.

james1 · ‎08-11-2017

Hey E,

I totally get you when you say you just want someone to love and basically be devoted to. In some strange way, it's like that need trumps the need to have those things returned. So often we settle for less than, perhaps, what we deserve. Maybe the more we give, the more they'll see it and eventually reciprocate. That's me, anyway.

Do you have a counsellor or someone you speak to semi-regularly? Sometimes it can be really helpful to have a third person, not in any way related to you, to talk to about these things. I also basically have nobody I can talk to except for my psychologist. It's still very lonely, but having someone makes the loneliness feel a little bit easier knowing there's still someone who will listen.

James

LUCIDFOX_X · ‎08-11-2017

Hi James,

Thanks for opening up about that. Very comforting. What has been happening in your world if you don't mind me asking?

I agree with that, and I really do so much for him. Sometimes I really push my limits in showing how much I love and care for the guy. It's difficult as I can only hope for it to be long term, and the scary part is that I don't know what's going on inside his head, I can only listen and believe him but I'll never fully know (that can apply to anyone). So it's really just learning to trust him again I think.

I've been seeing my psychologist now for 4-5 years. She has helped me a lot throughout that time as when I started seeing her I was in a very, very bad place (drugs etc). She understands me quite well which is good and I will be seeing her this upcoming weekend.

I just wish I could trust him.

A part of me wants to talk to him about how I'm feeling, but last time I brought it up he took it the wrong way and got a bit defensive and we had an argument which I wasn't happy about, he apologized a lot for reacting the way he did (he had been drinking and so had I) but a part of me wants to discuss with him how I'm feeling e.g the fear of being hurt like that again. Not sure if I should though? My good friend thinks I should avoid it as it will be digging up the past - Plus I don't feel like this all the time.

E