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Putting my domineering mother into care

Julz01
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Last week I put my mother with dementia into care. It's been tough she keeps asking when she is going home. I take her beloved dog in to visit & she breaks down every time. I keep telling her a couple of weeks or I don't know when she's going home; truth is she can't go home she has let self care lapse, wanders in her pyjamas fortunately nice strangers have brought her home. Yesterday was a bit traumatic she would not let go of her dog & stood at the front door demanding to go home, the centre had to go into lock down. Fortunately the centre have approved her dog to stay for a trial. I had to leave at a side door & staff took over an hour to coax her back to her room. I didn't want her to go into the high security wing because so many of them are much further gone then her but the centre have made me feel we are running out of options. I feel traumatised by the events of yesterday, I feel incredible guilt for removing her from her home & I feel overwhelmed that I have to soon make efforts to sell off her assets to pay for care. I had my depression & anxiety under control since hospitalisation 14 months ago but it's creeping back up & I have started drinking again, which I know I have to settle so my plan is next week when I go back to work routines after holidays.
19 Replies 19

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Julz & all

Just wanted to let you know I haven't deserted you & plan to return. Keeping up with posts.

Hoping you've got some better sleep now & feeling a bit brighter & stronger from it.

Summer Rose
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Julz. I read your recent posts and felt moved to respond. Wow, you've got a lot on your plate. My heart goes out to you.

With regards to your mum in high care ... please try to remember that you really had no choice. You are doing what's best for your mum in-line with professional caring and medical advice. I don't know that there's anything else you or anyone else could do.

It's a lot of responsibility being a guardian for a loved one and I think you're doing right by your mum. You've made your decisions, now try not to look back. Perhaps you could remind whoever is pressuring you about your mother's living arrangements of the serious and very real consequences your mum could face should she actually escape. You could also consider asking these people to help you. If they feel some ownership of the decisions being made they might be less critical.

You might also want to speak with the nursing home management about arranging your mum's eating/table arrangements to ensure she has other residents on "her level" to talk to at meal time. The staff could also ensure that your mum gets the opportunity to attend any activities/events at the home that are of interest to her, as these activities are already supervised. If you can get these arrangements in place, it could turn out to be a happy compromise that protects your mum's health and safety and ensures she gets the stimulation she needs.

I wish you the best of luck with your mental health plan and lifestyle changes. Once you get mum sorted I really hope that it's easier for you to deal with the rest.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Summer Rose welcome 🙂 just wanted to say what a great post spoken so well with care & so many good suggestions. What a boom to BB

Thank you, demonblaster. Your thoughtfulness and kind words mean a lot, especially given your significant experience and contributions to bb. I am new here and have been reading your posts and those of others (White Rose, Geoff, etc) to gain insight and understanding of the site. So, thank you, for helping me gain the confidence to join in. All the best.

Julz01
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Thanks Demonblaster & summer rose for your supportive advice. The nursing home rang me last night because my mother wanted to talk to me - well my mother gave me a mouthful. The nurse apologised and we agreed not to allow her to ring me. I will visit her at my own pace.

after a few months break I have bitten the bullet & booked in to see my psychologist Thursday. Hopefully that will help me to find my way again.

Julz

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Julz & Summer thanks very much lovely to hear, it'll be learning of you not the other way round 🙂

Julz, this would be ripping so sorry for your pain.

Congrats on psych consult they're a great source of release and can help with coping strategies, all the best darl, be interested to know how you go 🙂 no pressure

Hi Julz. So pleased to hear about your upcoming appointment. Good on you! Your mother's call would have been terribly distressing but I suspect that type of behaviour from an unsettled/unhappy dementia patient is not altogether uncommon. Your psychologist will no doubt better be able to help you understand your mother's illness and put her conduct and behaviour into perspective. One step at a time.

Julz01
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi all

just checking in. I spiralled so far down that I have just come home from a couple of weeks stay in hospital. I don't feel great but much better than 2 weeks ago. I am hoping to do a day program through the hospital that runs one day a week for 12 weeks. My doctor wrote a letter to my employer but I have to wait & see if they approve me to work part time for 3 months.

On another note My mum seems a bit more accepting of her new surroundings and it's best if I see her in the morning when she's at her best.

thanks again everyone

Summer Rose
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Julz

Welcome back. I am sorry that you have been so unwell. Bless you. Even after all that you have been through, you are still thinking about mum. You are amazing.

Take good care of yourself. The day program sounds great. Fingers crossed you get in and that you get support from your employer.

Take each day as it comes. Easy does it. One foot in front of the other, at your pace. Post when you need to. We are all still here.

You are in my thoughts and prayers x

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Julz hi ☺ and all

Thanks for updating sorry you've been doing it hard but happy to hear you're better than previous weeks. Hard times aye hun

Thats great news your Mums starting to settle a bit, takes time and new routines can be unsettling. Hoping her settling is easing your mind a bit.

No hurry for reply wondering about the day programme?

I too hope work give you the part time work for the 3 mths.

All the best darl take care of yourself and hope you continue on the up.