Problems with intimacy and disagreents *Trigger Warning: Domestic Violence*

[soul83]

I constantly keep a dim view on porn. I don't like it but I can understaand that if a couple were to watch it together and consent to it, then it could be used to spice things up.

But I take issue with my wife wanting to watch videos to get her in the mood. She doesn't bother to think about me or let me take initiative. She turns to videos instead.

I feel like I'm just an object that helps her whilst she watches the videos.

I'm saddened by what she does but she can't see it is killing me every time she watches them.

In the 8 years we have been together, I can't recall the last time we tried to spend more time in trying to explore each other etc. It tends to be focused on her getting turned on by the videos instead.

I cannot recall the last time she was excited by me. She never is. She needs the videos tp serve that purpose.

She is pregnant with our first child. She says she loves me and she shows no other overt signs that say she wants to leave or get rid of me. She does on occassion get angry and swear at me. She has also hit me.

Help what should I do? I feel powerless and like I don't matter.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Soul83,

I'm sorry that you're going through this and feel saddened and almost like a bystander in your own relationship. I share a similarly dim view of porn and find it a bit dirty/sleazy and desperate (can I just say that it's also refreshing to find a man who shares my view!).

Like you, I had a similar problem with my ex-partner when we first got together. He had a habit of regularly looking at porn and every time I caught him it just made me feel betrayed, unattractive, and unwanted, particularly when he would turn me down for sex and then I'd walk out and catch him. It was horrible, and as a relatively attractive 21 year old female it also made me incredibly insecure to know that someone was choosing a screen rather than be with me in real life.

I wish I could provide you with some practical advise, but rather I just hunted for it mercilessly and threw a fit every time I found it. In the end I just stopped looking and he either decided it wasn't worth it or obviously got better at hiding it and I was ok with that. I do also suspect that it was just a habit that he'd formed during his single years. While I don't find porn particularly erotic at all, I'be found that short porn gifs can be more beginner-friendly and people who don't like porn actually find that this is more appealing because they seem to mostly be in relationships. Perhaps you can ask her what she likes about it and try and recreate it with her as a way of incorporating yourself into the situation, with the view of phasing it out. This may just be a habit that has already been set and it just needs a bit of undoing. Out of curiosity, have you spoken with your wife about how it makes you feel?

[ElisaP]

Hello soul83,

I feel that this is a complicated issue and I would advise in fact seeing a marriage or relationship counselor. This way you can work out your discrepancies with one another. It could turn out that the trouble you have is even more to do with communication than it is to do with anything else. And having someone act as a facilitator, to help you and your spouse communicate your feelings could be really good or even great for your relationship.

Other than that, I would feel out of my depth to try to give any suggestions, since it is really about communication and negotiation between you and your partner. I do think it is important that you let her know how you feel. A relationship counselor can help get around any potential road blocks that can easily get in the way, and something like sexuality is deeply personal, a therapist may help in giving a space where you can freely exress yourself and it can act as a sign to your wife that you really feel she needs to listen to you. Also, there can be obstacles that get in the way of communication and that sometimes it is just about knowing how to steer the conversation round so that the flow of communication is kept going. So a counselor could be a really good idea. I think that it shows commitment to a relationship rather than anything negative, in fact. Everyone has their problems, but it's how willing people are to work on them that matters.

[geoff]

hi Soul, can I first of all welcome you to the site and I'm sure that your situation makes you very uncomfortable in feeling as though you're wife doesn't sexually want you unless she watches these videos on TV, sure at first it may have been exciting, but long term momentous.
This seems to be a habit that she continually wants to do, so I'm interested whether she displays other things that she has to do regularly, I just say this because she may have OCD, if not then go away for a weekend, nice meal, swimming pool but make sure there are no tapes available.
Let me know whether she may have OCD. Geoff.