Relationship and family issues

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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

Gypsyangel Not a 'normal' relationship
  • replies: 13

Hi everyone! I need some advice/different points of view please. I am currently part of a 'relationship' that I am finding very frustrating. We don't spend much physical time together because he is always working. He lives at the workshop as well. I ... View more

Hi everyone! I need some advice/different points of view please. I am currently part of a 'relationship' that I am finding very frustrating. We don't spend much physical time together because he is always working. He lives at the workshop as well. I find it hard to get any quality time together or even just do things together. We do talk a bit on the phone but that's really the extent of the relationship. There's always excuses or reasons why we can't see each other. I feel kept at a distance and on hold until he wants to see me. I also feel it's a toxic relationship because I become more anxious and depressed when we have contact. I feel trapped and am really struggling to get away. I have told him I am unhappy. He just says it will be all good soon. I feel like I am the support for him but my needs aren't getting met. My struggle is mostly on my own.

Wattle411 sex drive?
  • replies: 4

Hi there I was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety and partly due to a past traumatic sexual experience. For my teen years I was just like any normal sex crazed tteenager and I thought everything was fine but more recently I have started t... View more

Hi there I was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety and partly due to a past traumatic sexual experience. For my teen years I was just like any normal sex crazed tteenager and I thought everything was fine but more recently I have started to lose all interest in any sexual act and it sometimes disgusts me and I hate myself for doing it when I do. This lack of interest has put a barrier between my partner and I because he feels like sex is a way to show affection and appreciation and because I don't want to put out he feels as though I don't love him anymore. I have tried to explain how I'm feeling but I don't think he really understands. I don't want us to break up because I don't feel comfortable at the moment but I don't want to force myself to sleep with him when I don't want to either as that will cause even bigger issues. What can I do to fix this??? Thank you very much for your help!

concerned_friend another person is relying on me to make them happy
  • replies: 2

My ex boyfriend keeps emailing me telling me that I'm the only one that understands him and that he is depressed with no one to talk to. I do not want any contact with him due to personal reasons regarding our break up, but he is acting like I am the... View more

My ex boyfriend keeps emailing me telling me that I'm the only one that understands him and that he is depressed with no one to talk to. I do not want any contact with him due to personal reasons regarding our break up, but he is acting like I am the only thing that can help him and I do not want that burden. I feel as if he is using it as an excuse to get me back into his life. He has done it before many times and it is mentally and physically draining. I have suggested psychologists but he doesn't want to see one. What should I do?

PositiveLyfe89 Superficial Friendships, No Intimacy
  • replies: 2

Hello everyone, I'm new here. I'm just having trouble with my social life and feel like the people in my life only really talk to me when they need something from me. I feel like everything is more like a social contract or transaction like, you do t... View more

Hello everyone, I'm new here. I'm just having trouble with my social life and feel like the people in my life only really talk to me when they need something from me. I feel like everything is more like a social contract or transaction like, you do this for me and I'll do this for you and I find myself yearning for closer and deeper relationships. What can I do? Any suggestions?

Internal_Sadness New connections and keeping them, always a struggle! :(
  • replies: 1

SO long story short, I am sure I have mentioned that I enjoy a relaxation massage once a week or once every two weeks and I went to a new place Monday just gone and I was lucky enough to get a wonderful massage by this greek lady who I felt an instan... View more

SO long story short, I am sure I have mentioned that I enjoy a relaxation massage once a week or once every two weeks and I went to a new place Monday just gone and I was lucky enough to get a wonderful massage by this greek lady who I felt an instant connection with. You see, I have a greek brother-in-law. We had a nice conversation about general things, small chat in the first session and when the session was over, we swapped mobile numbers. Now we agreed on me only SMSing her to make bookings through her only as she is going to be my regular massage therapist and casual SMSing, as in when we have things to say to each other, one of us SMSs the other and then waits for a reply then reply back, you know how it goes. Very very very early stages of casual friendship, however which was you you want to call it. That was only FOUR days ago, ever since Tuesday (3 days ago), I have been finding it so hard to stick to the promise of just the casual sms, I tend to sms her too much and then apologizing that night. I get emotional far too easily, I fall for certain ladies far far too easily as you can probably tell in my few posts in here already. I take my anti-depressants and my anti-seizure tablets daily when I am meant to but I generally tend to over think things about the other sex which in turn can easily make things worse. I generally tend to ruin things because of this, it is so frustrating. I think it comes down to my daughters mother stuffing me around since the first day I met her many years ago, she ended up cheating on me 4 or 5 times and with a child involved, that gets messy easily. And I have been single since then, around 6 years ago. As I said, I fall far too easily for women, my previous two massage therapists I fell just as hard for, especially my most recent one that ended badly early July. Today I asked both my parents if they just want to go out and do something with me just cos I am feeling iffy/down, they both knock it on the head far too quickly and decline, the few friends I have got are all working. Feeling like this makes it way harder to lose the weight I want to lose to make my life better now and in the future. I don't want to then force myself to the comfort foods and drink (junk food, energy drinks and alcohol) as I will just gain weight. USUALLY I try to find things to do that make me happy and just try to chat to people even if it has to be online. It's just pretty hard sometimes when you find a new fancy.

Melly997 Is it depression & can that cause a husband to feel nothing towards his wife?
  • replies: 4

My husband moved out 4 months ago. He said he felt the world closing in on him & needed a little space. We have had more than our fair share of deaths occur in an 8 month period & 2 of these were old gentlemen that my husband was very close with, he ... View more

My husband moved out 4 months ago. He said he felt the world closing in on him & needed a little space. We have had more than our fair share of deaths occur in an 8 month period & 2 of these were old gentlemen that my husband was very close with, he has to hear some horrible details in his job, his father has heart problems &, to be honest, I was just trying to keep things running day to day without dealing with what I was feeling so my anger, frustration & resentment built up. For 2 weeks he said he still loved me & hadn't given up on us but then he faded away & stopped all contact. I kept sending him texts but I got nothing back. After 4 weeks I finally got a reply that stated basically he'd given up & felt he was better on his own. At around the same time he moved out of the friends house he was staying. The friend told me he didn't talk much, came home from work & after a beer went to bed & had lost a lot of weight. This Sunday just gone he came home unexpectedly, collected all his things, said it was too late to fix it because he didn't feel anything anymore & was happier & better on his own, he handed me the house key & left to wherever he's now staying. I am deeply hurt & upset because this was his decision alone & I had no say, nor was there any effort to save our marriage. The whole process has been very cold & callous, even cowardly. I suspect he may be suffering depression but how do I help if he's shut me out completely? And yes, selfishly, I don't want to lose my husband but is it too late?

GreyMaiden I don't exist?
  • replies: 1

I am very embarrassed and ashamed to be telling the world about this, but it's too much to keep to myself anymore. I have been with my now husband for well over a decade. During this time he has done nothing but watch porn and play video games. He ha... View more

I am very embarrassed and ashamed to be telling the world about this, but it's too much to keep to myself anymore. I have been with my now husband for well over a decade. During this time he has done nothing but watch porn and play video games. He has never been interested in sex. When he does want to, I can definitely tell that it's out of obligation. He never does anything without being asked to, or pushed to. I am responsible for him getting a job, a license, everything. And I hate it. I am pretty much responsible for him proposing to me. I organised the whole wedding alone. We have only been married a year or so. He likes to treat me with silence. Before we were married, it wasn't uncommon for him to completely ignore me for weeks on end. When I say ignore, I mean it. Not a word. He just stares at a screen, whether it be compute or tv. Since we have been married, he has ignored me for a lovely total of 12 months. It is just me and him in the house. We have no family or friends in our lives. For 12 months straight I have come home to a dead house and a dead man. Not a word passes between us. He sleeps on the couch and we wouldn't dare to be in the same room. In the past, being the one who cares and acts like an adult, I have breached and repaired everyone of these silences. This time, no. If he cared, surely he would for once do SOMETHING? No. 12 months of silence. I don't know what to do. I know he loves me, but can never treat me like he does. If I leave, he would without doubt kill himself. Fact. I could not forgive myself for that. I am not yet 30, but I feel like no one will ever want me again. I've become a very cold, frigid young woman who is certain every man is a liar and could never truly care. I have never told anyone this. If I did, the shame would never die. Everyone thinks we have a perfect relationship they all envy. How wrong. What have I done? And what do I do? I am loyal, faithful, never even looked at another man. I am not a supermodel, but I'm attractive and normal enough. I was once so warm and kind and thoughtful, now just an empty shell with a happy mask stuck on. I want so much to be free of this toxicity and live the life I want. Has anyone been through this?

Arato Trouble coping in long distance relationship
  • replies: 4

Let me start by saying I don't think I've had depression before, so this is all new to me. I recently (6 weeks ago) moved to overseas for work and am now in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend of 5 years who is back in Australia. Let me s... View more

Let me start by saying I don't think I've had depression before, so this is all new to me. I recently (6 weeks ago) moved to overseas for work and am now in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend of 5 years who is back in Australia. Let me start from the begin: Both my girlfriend and myself are from Sydney. In 2013 we moved down to Victoria for both our jobs. Although we were down here, it was not possible to live together, but that was no issue as 1) we were living at our respective parents places back in Sydney and 2) the nature of my work from before the move meant that I was interstate for a week or two every 4-6 weeks. I was really unhappy with my job, so in late 2014 I planned on quitting and starting work with my father in the family business in the Philippines - the plan was to start in Feb 2015, but in reality the move didn't happen until Aug 2015. As luck would have it, my girlfriend got stationed closer to Melbourne in Nov 2014 so we could live together and we did for close to 10 months. I don't think I was ever as happy as I was when living with her and I know she felt the same way. So I moved. I knew it would be hard and it hit me harder than I expected, but I knew she was coming to visit 3 weeks after the move for a week so it was manageable. While she was over things were better, but she went home just over week ago and now I'm feeling far worse than I've ever felt before. I've plans to go back at the start of Nov for a couple of weeks, but my biggest fear is that after this trip I won't see her until late Jan as it's not possible for either her to come here or I to go there until then. I'm scared it's going to be worse, as currently I'm feeling unmotivated at work, sad and hopeless. My appetite has dropped dramatically and what food I do eat no longer brings me the enjoyment I it once was. My chest and back always aches and it seems I've always got a headache. When I speak with her on the phone I feel infinitely better, but as soon as I hang up I feel like I've fallen off a cliff. I try to tell myself this is a short term arrangement (I plan on being in this long distance phase no longer than 18 months) and that I'll look back on this one day as a tough, but necessary time, but I'm finding it harder and harder to get by each day. To top it off I'm feeling like I'm expressing my unhappiness too much to her and I'm afraid she'll grow to resent me because I'm constantly talking about how sad I am and how I hate where I am.

Florrie_Jo Found strength to open up and now Im separated from husband
  • replies: 8

Hi all Well i finally got the strength, through the sobs, to tell my husband Im not coping and Im not sure how to move forward. He rsponded by saying he feels the same then launched into his story of how unhappy he is. Then he revealed he had been un... View more

Hi all Well i finally got the strength, through the sobs, to tell my husband Im not coping and Im not sure how to move forward. He rsponded by saying he feels the same then launched into his story of how unhappy he is. Then he revealed he had been unfaithfully previously..randoms I think...i dont really want to know. At that point i had a moment of clarity that this marriage is over and my girls and I deserve to be number 1 and happy. He is not a bad person, in fact we've had many happy times. He is however selfish. My girls and my worthiness has been measured by how neat and tidy we keep things. Our needs were an inconvenience. He pays the bills so that exempts him from participating. Fishing is his number 1 love...his obsession along with keeping everyhting in a neat, tidy well placed box. We have been together 19 years and now I think about it, i have lost my authentic self trying to be someone Im not - for him and his family tradition. I have no doubt that this has been a huge part of my depression. Even though I am sad, a little scared and feel incredibly sick in the stomach I do seem to have a spriritual feeling that itll be okay and I can be happy again. Im riding the wave and break down every couple of hours ( it only happen 3 days ago), i guess my biggest fear is not coping emotionally and stuffing it up for my two little girls (12 and 10). I'm listening to guided meditation when i feel like i need to shut up the mind chatter. Im on anti-depressants and got the script filled so there's no mucking that up. Ill book a counselling session Tuesday...i just need to get through the moments of saddness and grief- i know it cant be avoided, just would like to skip ahead 6 months in the emotions. Im sure Ill be back on the forum to get some advice and to feel understood. Blessings to all who are going thru a tough time Jodie.

Jellybabies How do I let his cheating go and move forward
  • replies: 8

Oh wow this is so hard, I'm shaking even typing this, but I have to get it out! I have had a pretty traumatic 6 months, the anxiety has always been there but I've usually maintained myself well, in May I found out that my husband was having an affair... View more

Oh wow this is so hard, I'm shaking even typing this, but I have to get it out! I have had a pretty traumatic 6 months, the anxiety has always been there but I've usually maintained myself well, in May I found out that my husband was having an affair of sorts with my half sister, they had been sending each other thousands of text messages, I knew about that (approximately 3000 per month) I didn't even really worry or think anything of it as my sister does that, and had done that to me but because of my lack of response to her, she had begun texting my husband as he responded to her, I didn't worry because I trusted my husband more than words could express, but what I didn't realise was that they were also sending each other intimate pictures and videos of themselves, and I only found out by accident as a picture of her naked top half came through while I was there via Snapchat and I clicked on his snapchap and saw it, he denied it saying it was obviously an accident and she said that she accidentally clicked his name that it was meant for someone else, but after finally getting my hands on a bill 2 days earlier and quirying him on video messages he had sent her at 2am along with literally hundreds of text messages with in the same time period, I put 2 and 2 together, he had told me the videos were nothing, they were just silly things like tv shows as they both couldn't sleep and we're bored. He was working away at the time on a 2 and 2 roster so this was happening while he was away from home, I did however find out that it had also been happening whilst he was home, she was sending him pictures all the time, even while I was sitting next to him, he would not come to bed and it carried on whilst I slept. They both say it never got physical, we had stayed in her home many times and I always went to bed first leaving her and my husband alone, he swears black and blue that nothing ever happened in person that it was always via text but how can I believe that, seriously HOW!! I haven't told a single soul, the only people who know are myself, my husband, my 'sister' and then her mother knows and my father and my other half sister, I've had zero support, I've had to continue pretending my sister and I are fine and friendly, and I'm trying hard to save my marriage, I couldn't tell my mum or my brothers and their wives because I knew it would tear their relationship with my dad to shreds, and it's taken many years to build a relationship with him.