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Opinions on direction

Lynnie6
Community Member

My husband has been messaging women overseas. Sharing intimate photos, video chatting, calls, talking about marriage, compliments and love and he even sent money. There are so so many of them. We have two little daughters and he is certain he wants us to stay together.

This is not the first time. He says it's just a bit of fun and he thinks most of them were scammers. He says he's really sorry and won't ever do it again. I feel it is like an addiction.

When he is in contact with all of them he us moody and withdrawn. He constantly had reasons to do things away from me. Meanwhile there was pretty much no physical touch between us let alone sex. He has always had trouble in that area.

Which is what I want opinions on. I wrote another thread "crossroads" which explains our history more. But I know I love him and want our family to stay together but since I've found this last lot he has been nice and helpful. I don't know if I can or should do this all over again. I've been focusing on what he wants and needs as well since finding out yet I still feel unloved. I wonder if he looks at me like a mother rather than a lover. He says he does but this doesn't get backed up by actions or works yet these other women got plenty of beautiful words and sexy comments. They've also seen more of his penis than I have for years.

Interested in other's opinions

7 Replies 7

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Lynne, welcome

I sympathize with you. I think though, lack of physical contact might be the core if the ptoblem, no blame anywhete though.

I think its only a guess he sees you as a mother figure, maybe a person he is comfortable living with.

I'd guess a counselor is a good move, you need clarity.

At this stage is what he wants ...your priority? Maybe what you want should be his priority?

Do you think your own values are important and how far will you pursue them? How would he react if you did similar?

I understand your confusion but you need to do what you decide is right and care for yourself and your kids. A counselor gives you both a chance.

Tony WK

Thank you Tony, I think you're right. We get along very well and I think we could be very happy if I could just forget about the other women and sexual intimacy. Its not the future I want though. I want to be loved and feel desirable. Sharing intimate touch is part of this for me. It can be fun and cheeky as well.

Ive researched a lot of alternatives for us. There is also ways of rebuilding our touch and understanding of what we both like. He's never taken in any of these though. The longest period we've gone has been almost 2 years. I'd started to feel like I have to be complaining and extremely upset before he'll do anything. I had to organise going out to tea and a motel room one time.

Since this last time when I found out about the women he says the reason for the lack of sex between us is still because of erectile dysfunction. He never does anything that helps this though. We've talked about it so many times.

I feel angry and upset that he has given intimacy away to these other women although he says its just a game and he didn't mean anything he said. I feel like I'm being starved in the mean time.

Ive also talked about partners doing things for each other because they love and care about them. He helps a fair but in the house which I am always grateful for.

Its 2 and a half weeks since I found him out and he's more attentive to our daughters, he's held my hand, he's talked more (not intimate though), hugged me, put his hand on me while I feed our baby and are in bed and once touched me sexually. He did rub my back yesterday for couple of minutes. He feels this is him trying to show me he loves me and the girls. He pointed these out to me the other day when I raised the concern that when people are worried about their relationship they tend to over compensate and when things settle back down to a balance.

I just feel I'm just not worth the effort to him. I really want to be though. I also don't know how to be able to trust him and not revisit the hurt and betrayal I feel. Even just with the lack of support with our daughters, he wasn't there when I really needed him. He also lied to my face over and over again.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Lynnie, I'm really sorry that your husband has gone to extremes to contact other women online, showing explicit photos of himself, let alone what they show him, to me that's highly inappropriate.
He is addicted by doing this, and if he needs he will do it where you can't see it, and how much money he sends o/s is debatable.
His example to his two little daughters is really non forgiving, because there can never be a logical reason or excuse to justify himself, and you may still love him but it's not how he is now, it's from years ago.
If I was doing this when I was married my wife would have gone, left me in disgust and would never want to see me again, and this addiction has got hold of him and will never be easy to overcome, that's why I suggest you tell him to go and leave you and your girls to be by yourselves. Geoff.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Yes, Geoff and I share the same views. Lynnie his affection he is showing is over compensating for sure.

I used to take a medicine many years ago that had the side effect of erectile dysfunction. It was easy to ask for my doctor for script for viagra. Half a tablet 30 minutes before bed....done.

Is it really that difficult?

But his actions of not confiding in you with the money issue also goes well over the line.

When we see our future without our partner, its daunting. We dont want to face reality.

Believe me when I say this ...one day you'll find true love, honesty and natural affection.

A last effort to counseling is worth it for the sake of your children, for him to wake up, get real and get help.

Ps. You could ask your dr for a script of V and give him half a pill. Its worth a try, then you've tried everything. He judt might realise love is under his own roof

Tony WK

Lynnie6
Community Member

Thank you Geoff. He had hidden it from me all the time and has been very creative. I have read a lot of the exchanges between him and these women once I found out as it is the only way I'd know the truth.

This is how I found out he sent money. He'd posted the pictures of the receipts to the woman. He has never owned up to anything unless I catch him out. However he has admitted using money out of our big account which he'd previously denied.

The things he says are contradictory to his actions and even what makes sense. If he truly puts me in the "he's not attracted to be basket" then I really wish he'd be honest with me about it. I just want an honest relationship with him which may mean we are not together. So be it. I will never except him messaging other women while we are still together.

My heart breaks for our older daughter as she loves her dad so much but I also wonder if his behaviour is going to continue then it would be easier to leave now while our youngest is still tiny. It will also save going through this all over again. I did tell him last time I'd leave if he ever done if again.

He has used erectile dysfunction medication and also had testosterone injections. It worked a fee times. He never helped himself though like trying to have sex when he's really tired and because it was successful one morning after taking a pill the night before, he'd put it off to morning if it didn't happen. Then when morning comes nothing would happen. He didn't keep the testosterone injections up either.

That's the most common "oh I thought we'd do it tomorrow" then it doesn't happen.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Lynnie, thanks for getting back, and basically the answer to all these concerns is that NO he is not going to change, and now would be the best time to leave while your girls are still young and small.
It is going to be a continual problem and he's not going to stop because of his daughter's, sure he may still loved them, but that love isn't strong enough to hold the family together and imagine how your daughters would feel if they knew, let it be just a horrible memory, and for them not to even know, it's the best option to tell him to go or move with away with your girls. Geoff.