Relationship and family issues

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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

Naomi33 Mother In Law Issues
  • replies: 6

I am getting beyond my limits with my MIL and I really don't know where to begin. I have tried almost EVERYTHING to keep this woman happy and still she mocks me, my husband and our children. We NEVER do anything right in her books in regards to raisi... View more

I am getting beyond my limits with my MIL and I really don't know where to begin. I have tried almost EVERYTHING to keep this woman happy and still she mocks me, my husband and our children. We NEVER do anything right in her books in regards to raising our children (her only grandchildren) when me and my husband try our absolute best at keeping our children happy and healthy every single day. When we leave our 4yr old son with her to babysit she feeds him nothing but sugar it got to the point where I took him to a mother baby unit because when he would come home he wouldn't eat anything else no fruit, veg or dinner etc they even gave us an eating schedule to give her on babysitting days when i left the mother baby unit with him. She agreed to follow it put it on her fridge then the next day when we picked our son up he was hyperactive and having sugar tantrums so I had to stop her from having him sleepover as she wasn't looking after him properly. She will send us threatening letters in the post, threatening text messages putting me and my husband down as parents I have a disability which she mocks and if we choose to ignore and not respond she will bang on our door and scream until we decide to answer. Its getting to the point where I don't know what to do anymore I have always had the thought I have never been good enough for her son. She didn't even attend our wedding and told us she was not coming on our wedding day. Its caused me depression, anxiety and panic attacks, my husband supports me and the children but when I suggest she is mentally unwell and we should get help for her he shrugs it off and responds with "his mother has always been this way writing random threatening letters text messages to neighbors family etc" It is even getting to the point where I have suggested me and my family move to the rural country or even another state where she can no longer harass us anymore just for a little peace of mind. I have been to counseling sessions and seen a psychologist about her and the anxiety but the tactics they suggest don't work. She even asked a year ago after my husband and I had our fourth child and her first grandaughter if me and my husband could have a daughter for her as she only has two sons and always wanted a daughter ... I don't know what to do anymore this is a daily thing for my husband and I. I feel so overwhelmed and alone with it all any input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Nessie08 Sad and confused
  • replies: 1

I am not sure where to start. This is my first time. I have been with my BF for 2.5 years. We have had lots of problems beyond our control. Recently he got kicked out of home and came to live with me. It has been hard as we don't have much money. On ... View more

I am not sure where to start. This is my first time. I have been with my BF for 2.5 years. We have had lots of problems beyond our control. Recently he got kicked out of home and came to live with me. It has been hard as we don't have much money. On Friday everything was perfect. He was loving and caring. Then all of a sudden he snapped and went to bed. I am not even sure why he got so angry. Then on Saturday he wasn't talking to me and then later that night he said he was going to his sisters for the weekend. I panicked, started to cry and wondered what I had done that was so bad. I made the mistake of chasing him and making a scene. I now realise that I should have just let him go for the weekend and he would have come home and it wouldn't be this bad. I texted and he would talk to me at all. Eventually the next day he said he was coming to get a few things to stay there longer. Then on Sunday night he came to some clothes. He wasn't himself. He was very agitated and all over the place. I just let him get what he wanted and then he left. I have tried to talk to him since then. Probably too much. I have tried to ask what's wrong, what I did etc. I wish now I had just left it. I am so lost and confused. I suffer from bad anxiety on a good day so this is just sending me crazy. I don't know what to do or if he is going to come back and if he is when. He does go through these stages. I am just worried for him. Especially as I don't know why he gets so upset. He gets angry and he doesn't know how to control it. He has never hurt me and he never would. I hate the uncertainty. Everything I have read has told me to just give him his space and when he is ready he will come back. It's just really hard when you love and care for someone so much that you would go to bed with everyday and was always there is suddenly gone and you don't know why. I wish I could just turn back to Friday when it was perfect. I just don't know what to do or where to go from here.

persistence whats next?
  • replies: 12

just joined online forum and most afraid of being judged online but feel I have nowhere else to turn. My husband has caught me cheating twice with the same person.The second time was different as I have been trying to distance myself from this person... View more

just joined online forum and most afraid of being judged online but feel I have nowhere else to turn. My husband has caught me cheating twice with the same person.The second time was different as I have been trying to distance myself from this person for over a year with no success.I have since filed a police report and left my job in order to make my marriage work.My husband is not sure he can give me another chance and I feel I have no support from my family as they are very traditional and would never ever accept what I have done. Am struggling with how to live one day at a time after having a full time job for 15years and do not want to leave the house (especially without my husband)

Revo Geting close with the ex
  • replies: 1

I have been getting close to the ex again, she has bad depression and anxiety issues and its recently brought me down too. things were looking great for a while there, we weren't moving too fast, we were having sleepovers and the family was really be... View more

I have been getting close to the ex again, she has bad depression and anxiety issues and its recently brought me down too. things were looking great for a while there, we weren't moving too fast, we were having sleepovers and the family was really benefitting it. Recently she started to talk to a guy I've always had a problem with and I told her straight it would send me batty. It has, she is spending time with him now and has shut me out. I was feeling like we were getting somewhere, back to friends again, but she's played the I'm single card. i don't want to go see other people, and I'm not going to stop her from doing it, but she can't resist this guy. I have moved out and I know they spend a lot of nights together, she says that there's nothing more than a friendship there but I know they fool around, I'm not worried about that per say, I just feel really uneasy that she shut me out after I told her it would play on me. she says she feels she led me on, I don't feel she did, it was fun at the time, we were starting to get to know each other again. my thing is, what do I do? Fight for the friendship and hope the crush she has for him wears out? I knowing will sooner or later for the way she tells me she feels about me and I know that they don't have that much in common other than anxiety and depression, it's just something new for her to take her mind off the counselling and recent breakup with me. Recently a lot of the stuff that went wrong got brought up, including him and my old habits of working too much and not giving enough attention. Do do I walk away? And hope she doesn't forget me? Keep telling her how it makes me feel? Or do I put up with it and argue it out with her? I hand on heart still lOve her but with her the way she is she can't give me any more than a friend and that's all i really want, but seeing her falling for him, seeing him daily almost, is killing me.

gremz Unable to feel connected to others
  • replies: 3

I'm mostly curious about this. Besides the occasional feeling of frustration and mild emptiness, this isn't really effecting me all too negatively. I just can't feel connected to anyone. Its taken me a while to realize what it is, but I just feel lik... View more

I'm mostly curious about this. Besides the occasional feeling of frustration and mild emptiness, this isn't really effecting me all too negatively. I just can't feel connected to anyone. Its taken me a while to realize what it is, but I just feel like I am reaching out for something that isn't there. My mental health is the best its ever been and I haven't really been depressed since February. I still suffer anxiety which fluctuates but isn't terrible. I just don't understand why I can't just feel connected to people anymore. I feel like I just keep talking at people, rather than to them, with no goal for the conversation. My partner says he doesn't feel this distance that I'm perceiving and I keep getting invited to social events - so I think this feeling is all on me. Its so dissatisfying reaching out to people and getting nothing back. Does/has anyone else experienced this?

NerNerNer Toxic/Co-Dependent Friendship Patterns?
  • replies: 3

Hi all, I was wondering if anyone else on the board has struggled with this? And if so, how do you personally manage it? I'm not really looking for advice or instruction, it would just be nice to read some anecdotes. I've only recently, after stacks ... View more

Hi all, I was wondering if anyone else on the board has struggled with this? And if so, how do you personally manage it? I'm not really looking for advice or instruction, it would just be nice to read some anecdotes. I've only recently, after stacks of guidance and self reflection, realised that the reason why I end up unhappy with my friendships and eventually end them is because I'm not making healthy friendships in the first place. I'm in my 30's now and while I began addressing my poor boundaries in my early to mid 20's, I'm still picking people who have poor boundaries themselves or who have very different values. I've spent time looking at my experiences in friendships recently and realised that while I can easily state my boundaries, reinforcing them repeatedly is something I need to work on. I need to have a clear limit of how many times I should have to reinforce a boundary before questioning why I'm still in this friendship. Having good boundaries is great and all, communicating them is better, but if I've engaged with someone who has poor boundaries then they sure as heck aren't going to respect mine. And I don't mean that in a bitter way, it's actually quite sad. There have been a few people I really wished I could have stayed friends with, but just couldn't because they didn't like it when I put up a boundary and then I got frustrated with them for not listening to it. Or I got tired of them trying to take care of me. I'm an adult, please don't try to take care of me unless I ask you to and please for the love of little kittens, let me reciprocate. Also, 'no' means 'no'. Not 'yes', not 'maybe', not 'try again tomorrow'. Gah. /Rant.

Adam64 Connecting to society
  • replies: 2

Hi Gremz, I know where you are coming from, sometimes it feels like you are alone in the world, and the only people you see are your work mates, it's a nice break from solitude but it's not what you want, after work it's back to our solitude. There i... View more

Hi Gremz, I know where you are coming from, sometimes it feels like you are alone in the world, and the only people you see are your work mates, it's a nice break from solitude but it's not what you want, after work it's back to our solitude. There is a way around this, since my divorce I have felt more isolated than ever, and I have looked into social groups on the Internet. Your local council can give you some information as well, as well as the site we are on. Have you come across any good social sites on the Internet, not the superficial ones but the ones that will have a positive effect on your life. You need to carefully scrutinise them, find one that suits your needs.

frodg Separation / Marriage breakdown - new entrant
  • replies: 6

After 30 years of what I believed to be a solid marriage, and a further 5 years of denial that things were going terribly wrong, we recently separated. I won't go into the reasons why the marriage failed just yet - maybe a bit later when it hurts les... View more

After 30 years of what I believed to be a solid marriage, and a further 5 years of denial that things were going terribly wrong, we recently separated. I won't go into the reasons why the marriage failed just yet - maybe a bit later when it hurts less. You learn a lot even at my age and I need think. As a younger man working in child protection (social work / youth work, etc.) with women and children escaping domestic violence and with children suffering horrible abuse I had been taught to expect them to want to return to their partners / parents. The teachers and mentors I worked with could not truly describe the reasoning other than to rationalise that it was their need to believe that the abuser did not really mean it and that they believed it would not happen again. I accepted that and was always a little scathing / bemused about them returning. I really did not understand how you can return to a life that is at risk. It happened often. In the last few months, as I struggle to develop another life – single - that will sustain me for the next 30 years I have developed a much clearer insight into the need to return. No matter what. Home is where you live and love and laugh. It is where you breath relationships and family life like we breath the air around us. It is all pervasive. All encompassing. It fills the days, hours, minutes and seconds of our existence with life and variety and meaning. Even in the silence and the brief times you get a bit of solitude you still are surrounded by the trappings of ongoing relationships and the physical presence of all the reminders that you are part of something. An accepted, important and needed part of all the people you love and are surrounded by. This wholeness… this completeness… is just there all the time. Even in times of stress and arguments and disappointment there is continuity – a certainty that life will continue to be experienced in the ongoing relationships that nurture you. There is forward planning – for family for friends for outings for celebrations. You know you are connected to it all. When you leave it is all gone. Every single connection within the family changes and you lose the neighbours and friends and familiarity of the places and people you grew up with. Connectedness ends. So you start remembering the warmth of relationships that were once whole but are now shattered. You start to believe that in reality those relationships are still vibrant and alive and fulfilling. If only you were there. That things were really just misunderstandings and easily corrected. If only you were there. After a while it seems normal that you will consider returning to the security of a life that has direction and all the old relationships will fall into place as if the rift had never happened. If only you were there. It is more that a belief that the abuse / screaming and bile that was heaped upon you for years will not happen again and was not really intended. You believe that it cannot happen again. That you misunderstood. Was it my fault? It is a belief that it never really could not have happened that way…. That it is all a misunderstanding that can be remedied with some kind words, a smile, a laugh and a bit of warmth. Life will then return to normal and your security and inclusion can be intact once more. Relationships will be restored and the love and caring that you remember from years ago when you first fell in love will still be there. It becomes a solid and undeniable belief that it will be OK. Because you are yearning for that feeling of belonging. Of sharing something greater than the day to day grind of cooking - working – cleaning etc. In a word – a future. I know in every fibre of my being why abused women and children would rather return to that place than be outside it. ………………………………………………………………………………………………… Of course, when I get the occasional interactions with the old relationships that do not work I get an insight into the reality of the need to stay away – and I have resisted the urge to try to rebuild and have not returned – I realise that the direction I have been travelling in the former relationship was not really all that good. So on good days it is just OK – on bad days it is terrifying. When I wrote the first half last week it was a bad day…. The last bit I wrote today and it is a good day. I hope for many more good days.

wanted_a_simple_life Im over it!!!
  • replies: 3

It's so frustrating that my ex cant own her choices. She blames me for her affair and then moved the kids 1 hour away to live and when I cant make it to some of thier activities she calls me a bad dad. The latest one is they got a birthday party on t... View more

It's so frustrating that my ex cant own her choices. She blames me for her affair and then moved the kids 1 hour away to live and when I cant make it to some of thier activities she calls me a bad dad. The latest one is they got a birthday party on the weekend I have them in a few weeks. I have booked a weekend away for us on that weekend. She is telling me its my problem to sort out cause Im too inflexible to change my plans. I remind her that she has made the choice to move that far away and create a new life for them, but she then tries to say thats in the past now, but it still rules our present situation. Am I being unfair here??

Yoyo2015 Unbearable pain. Marriage breakdown.
  • replies: 4

I have been married for 13 years and we were together for 8 years before that. Half my life. Our relationship has not been smooth sailing and I have sought counselling several times (he never wanted to take part). We have a nine year old son and sinc... View more

I have been married for 13 years and we were together for 8 years before that. Half my life. Our relationship has not been smooth sailing and I have sought counselling several times (he never wanted to take part). We have a nine year old son and since he was quite young work circumstances have dictated that my husband has been overseas for extended periods. He has been suffering with depression for the duration of our marriage, precipitated by the death of his mother and the break up of a previous marriage (our own meeting was an affair). His depression has been evident in a variety of ways, including being angry and verbally abusive. He has often taken himself off medication and most recently stopped about 3 months ago. he left to go overseas about 6 weeks ago and myself and my son arranged a break to join him as it was due to be a 3 month trip. I arrived on Sunday and yesterday he told me that he is having a relationship with someone he met here. i am feeling unbearable pain and grief and anxiety and at this moment don't know how I will face the future. He has said he is sorry and it's not my fault but I feel like such a failure. I have not always been sympathetic to him. It has been incredibly hard to stay positive throughout his low moods and I feel like i am unloveable. it's totally overwhelming right now.