Relationship and family issues

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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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frodg Separation / Marriage breakdown - new entrant
  • replies: 6

After 30 years of what I believed to be a solid marriage, and a further 5 years of denial that things were going terribly wrong, we recently separated. I won't go into the reasons why the marriage failed just yet - maybe a bit later when it hurts les... View more

After 30 years of what I believed to be a solid marriage, and a further 5 years of denial that things were going terribly wrong, we recently separated. I won't go into the reasons why the marriage failed just yet - maybe a bit later when it hurts less. You learn a lot even at my age and I need think. As a younger man working in child protection (social work / youth work, etc.) with women and children escaping domestic violence and with children suffering horrible abuse I had been taught to expect them to want to return to their partners / parents. The teachers and mentors I worked with could not truly describe the reasoning other than to rationalise that it was their need to believe that the abuser did not really mean it and that they believed it would not happen again. I accepted that and was always a little scathing / bemused about them returning. I really did not understand how you can return to a life that is at risk. It happened often. In the last few months, as I struggle to develop another life – single - that will sustain me for the next 30 years I have developed a much clearer insight into the need to return. No matter what. Home is where you live and love and laugh. It is where you breath relationships and family life like we breath the air around us. It is all pervasive. All encompassing. It fills the days, hours, minutes and seconds of our existence with life and variety and meaning. Even in the silence and the brief times you get a bit of solitude you still are surrounded by the trappings of ongoing relationships and the physical presence of all the reminders that you are part of something. An accepted, important and needed part of all the people you love and are surrounded by. This wholeness… this completeness… is just there all the time. Even in times of stress and arguments and disappointment there is continuity – a certainty that life will continue to be experienced in the ongoing relationships that nurture you. There is forward planning – for family for friends for outings for celebrations. You know you are connected to it all. When you leave it is all gone. Every single connection within the family changes and you lose the neighbours and friends and familiarity of the places and people you grew up with. Connectedness ends. So you start remembering the warmth of relationships that were once whole but are now shattered. You start to believe that in reality those relationships are still vibrant and alive and fulfilling. If only you were there. That things were really just misunderstandings and easily corrected. If only you were there. After a while it seems normal that you will consider returning to the security of a life that has direction and all the old relationships will fall into place as if the rift had never happened. If only you were there. It is more that a belief that the abuse / screaming and bile that was heaped upon you for years will not happen again and was not really intended. You believe that it cannot happen again. That you misunderstood. Was it my fault? It is a belief that it never really could not have happened that way…. That it is all a misunderstanding that can be remedied with some kind words, a smile, a laugh and a bit of warmth. Life will then return to normal and your security and inclusion can be intact once more. Relationships will be restored and the love and caring that you remember from years ago when you first fell in love will still be there. It becomes a solid and undeniable belief that it will be OK. Because you are yearning for that feeling of belonging. Of sharing something greater than the day to day grind of cooking - working – cleaning etc. In a word – a future. I know in every fibre of my being why abused women and children would rather return to that place than be outside it. ………………………………………………………………………………………………… Of course, when I get the occasional interactions with the old relationships that do not work I get an insight into the reality of the need to stay away – and I have resisted the urge to try to rebuild and have not returned – I realise that the direction I have been travelling in the former relationship was not really all that good. So on good days it is just OK – on bad days it is terrifying. When I wrote the first half last week it was a bad day…. The last bit I wrote today and it is a good day. I hope for many more good days.

wanted_a_simple_life Im over it!!!
  • replies: 3

It's so frustrating that my ex cant own her choices. She blames me for her affair and then moved the kids 1 hour away to live and when I cant make it to some of thier activities she calls me a bad dad. The latest one is they got a birthday party on t... View more

It's so frustrating that my ex cant own her choices. She blames me for her affair and then moved the kids 1 hour away to live and when I cant make it to some of thier activities she calls me a bad dad. The latest one is they got a birthday party on the weekend I have them in a few weeks. I have booked a weekend away for us on that weekend. She is telling me its my problem to sort out cause Im too inflexible to change my plans. I remind her that she has made the choice to move that far away and create a new life for them, but she then tries to say thats in the past now, but it still rules our present situation. Am I being unfair here??

Yoyo2015 Unbearable pain. Marriage breakdown.
  • replies: 4

I have been married for 13 years and we were together for 8 years before that. Half my life. Our relationship has not been smooth sailing and I have sought counselling several times (he never wanted to take part). We have a nine year old son and sinc... View more

I have been married for 13 years and we were together for 8 years before that. Half my life. Our relationship has not been smooth sailing and I have sought counselling several times (he never wanted to take part). We have a nine year old son and since he was quite young work circumstances have dictated that my husband has been overseas for extended periods. He has been suffering with depression for the duration of our marriage, precipitated by the death of his mother and the break up of a previous marriage (our own meeting was an affair). His depression has been evident in a variety of ways, including being angry and verbally abusive. He has often taken himself off medication and most recently stopped about 3 months ago. he left to go overseas about 6 weeks ago and myself and my son arranged a break to join him as it was due to be a 3 month trip. I arrived on Sunday and yesterday he told me that he is having a relationship with someone he met here. i am feeling unbearable pain and grief and anxiety and at this moment don't know how I will face the future. He has said he is sorry and it's not my fault but I feel like such a failure. I have not always been sympathetic to him. It has been incredibly hard to stay positive throughout his low moods and I feel like i am unloveable. it's totally overwhelming right now.

TruckieCharlie Married but No sex
  • replies: 9

Well , where do I start ? I'm Charlie , I'm 35 . My wife is 47 Been Married for 5 years , been together for 8 years. We have a 4 year old which I love so much .Our sex life was really good at the start like every relationship ( honeymoon stage )since... View more

Well , where do I start ? I'm Charlie , I'm 35 . My wife is 47 Been Married for 5 years , been together for 8 years. We have a 4 year old which I love so much .Our sex life was really good at the start like every relationship ( honeymoon stage )since she had a baby the sex life was going down hill , I remember when we were trying it was almost every night .I Have been keeping count .2013 was about 5 times .2014 was about 3 times2015 was about 2 times 2015 was in March and July .Iv been thing about leaving for the last 3 years but fears step in to play .i thought about an affair but I don't want to cheat .There is been no kissing besides hello after work but that doesn't happen all the time .Iv have spoken to her about lack of sex or love making what ever she wants to call it .I asked her , what's going on with our sex life ?what is it ? I said that if I knew I was going to become a priest when I signed up for this I wouldn't have got married .I asked her who is she seeing? Because it's not me so someone has to be I then asked her is it me ? Don't you find me attractive anymore ? Didn't want to give me an answer ... She said don't be silly .i said is it depression ? Are you depressed ? Not getting too far at all I asked to her tell me anything ... I said I'm a big boy I can handle it ! she said then who have you been seeing?where do I go from here ? Any ideas .This has been going on for years ! I'm so over this

Notmyrealname2 Isolated
  • replies: 3

I am trying to be strong but I am really struggling to alter my current situation. I just find myself alone and without trying online dating - which seems to be a bad idea for me right now - I don't know how to connect with people. My ex-husband and ... View more

I am trying to be strong but I am really struggling to alter my current situation. I just find myself alone and without trying online dating - which seems to be a bad idea for me right now - I don't know how to connect with people. My ex-husband and I separated a year ago after a draining 3 yr relationship. We have a 2.5 year old girl and I constantly want to share my experience of parenting with some kind of family - but my family is very aloof. At times I try to reach out I feel snubbed and there is never any recognition from them that I might need some support and company. If anything I feel that my mum is secretly enjoying my pain and encouraging division between my sister and I. I think if I didn't need to be here for my daughter and to provide as the parent both paying child support and with more custody I would just run away. I would move somewhere to start fresh and meed a whole new network of people - but I can't. Add onto that the fatigue of being a single parent working full time, financial stress with no idea of how I can provide alone for my daughter long term and the cruel lengthiness of the legal divorce process - I am just feeling totally defeated.

Iloverainbows Feeling sad, disconnected, lonely, socially inept and in constant physical pain.
  • replies: 4

I've never had a problem with making friends until about 15 years ago. People always gravitated to me and i never put any effort into making friends. But having said that I have always been kind, sensitive, giving and basically a pushover for unscrup... View more

I've never had a problem with making friends until about 15 years ago. People always gravitated to me and i never put any effort into making friends. But having said that I have always been kind, sensitive, giving and basically a pushover for unscrupulous others. So now I am a bit more jaded and assertive and don't put up with anyone who I eel may be trying to walk all over me. I have moved to a new location to make a new start after ending a relationship when my ex partners drinking became toxic and destructive. I am having trouble making any meaningful relationships here. My friendships I had made in the other location weren't as strong as i thought that were and have faded to the occasional facebook post. I believe that relationships ARE the meaning to life and without them life's lonely and meaningless. I have of course tried ways of trying to engage with new people, I tried going to P&c meetings. I was polite friendly and made an effort to talk to people (I may have been a little over eager??) I tried 3 times and volunteered at the disco but my help didn't seem needed when I asked if the was anything I could do and I felt like like i was pushing in if I joined into a conversation. I talk to a few parents at the school gate but it appears like everyone else s friendships are moving forward and mine is still on a superficial level. I don't know how to make small talk. I always ask people about themselves and am genuinely interested in people but cant get past having superficial transactions. I know it's not the school or people here because my kids have been to 3 different schools and it's always the same for me. I have recently left work as my chronic back pain is getting worse. I would like to volunteer and contribute and feel valuable (I have a long work history and many skills in community service) But would be unreliable due to my ongoing chronic pain. As everyone does, I want to have purpose to my life, have meaningful relationships and contribute to society. Does anyone have any suggestions or could share their own experience of making friendships or relationships meaningful in adulthood. Does anyone else struggle with this? I never thought I'd end up here.

HelloThere Helping an ex-pertner
  • replies: 2

Hello everyone. So, myself and my partner (of 4 years) split up 6 weeks ago. This past 10 months or so with him have been hard as he had become distant, gone off sex and was constantly tired. Alarm bells started ringing for me and eventually he start... View more

Hello everyone. So, myself and my partner (of 4 years) split up 6 weeks ago. This past 10 months or so with him have been hard as he had become distant, gone off sex and was constantly tired. Alarm bells started ringing for me and eventually he started seeing a therapist. A couple of weeks after he started seeing this therapist I found out that he had cheated on me, and therefore we split up. The split was not an angry one, but more of a therapy session as he explained his depression to me. He found it financially hard to pay for the therapies and so I gave him money to help him out. He cried his eyes out whilst I drove him home I had never seem him cry before. Couple of weeks passed and we didn't really speak with the exception of sorting our money out from a house we had previously moved out of having lived together for a year. We went to the footy final, agreed to meet up the week after which we did as well as the week after. The meetings were nice, and when I walked in his face light up and he hugged me straight away. In the 2nd meeting he opened up to me about his emotions and his therapy, something he hadn't previously done. After the 3rd meet up, wasn't so much a date than a catch up. Since then things have gone quiet, he will reply to messages but they are short. Although he has apologised a few times for his short replies and has told me "he is not seeing someone else". I don't have depression so I cannot understand what is going on here; can anyone help? I am here for him, but I am looking to move on as I cannot hang around and get hurt.

LittleSquee I'm not over him...
  • replies: 3

He left me after a year and a half - I had no idea it was coming... he did it over the phone but made sure I had a psychologist in place... He said he didn't want to be with me anymore, that I wasn't getting better (depression & anxiety). He also sai... View more

He left me after a year and a half - I had no idea it was coming... he did it over the phone but made sure I had a psychologist in place... He said he didn't want to be with me anymore, that I wasn't getting better (depression & anxiety). He also said he could be making the biggest mistake of his life. I'm so angry, alone, hurt. He wanted to keep in contact regularly - to be friends... offering 'help' and 'support' (I later got diagnosed with BPD) - I felt like I kept having to turn to him constantly and do what he wanted (be friends even though I was so angry).. I gave myself the home truths that he was an angry, unpredictable alcoholic, who also abused pain killers and drugs and I was afraid of him and his temper. I thought I was fine so I started seeing someone else… He's separated with a little toddler part time - it's all moved so quickly, and me being a step mum for the first time... the little girl has filled the void of my aching heart and he is easy to be with - a safe choice… I found out my ex partner has moved on and it is killing me. I'm hurting all over again. I asked my ex to leave me alone to move on and he has not been in contact since which is good. But, I want to have a break from this new man I have been seeing, I'm hurt, on the re-bound obviously (but I didn't think I was) and I need space. Thoughts please? Advice?

steviewonder87 at a crossroads. My dreams and happiness slipping away.
  • replies: 5

hello everything its very nice and honour to meet you all. Pretty much my whole life I have been a very shy and very quiet type of person. Perhaps indeed have got social anxiety and I did go and join a group to help with that and I was able through t... View more

hello everything its very nice and honour to meet you all. Pretty much my whole life I have been a very shy and very quiet type of person. Perhaps indeed have got social anxiety and I did go and join a group to help with that and I was able through that to make some changes in my life and things did improve slightly for me but my personality still remains that of being shy and quiet around anyone that includes even at times when with my extended family. Through it all though I have tried to remain positive and had goals and dreams and my big goal and dream is to find someone special. A partner who I can build a life with and get married and have kids with. That's what I want more than anything in this world. I give up anything for that. Last couple years got the chance to be able to go out with girls. My longest relationship was over a year and I really thought at the time I found some special. But we had disagreements at times. She brought up a lot of things I wasn't doing for her and though they were really hurtful things to me and not to her she was just telling the truth fact I can look back and can see some of the hard truths she made perhaps were right. I think end of the day she couldn't accept me for the person I am and to me that's the big thing for me. I would accept anyone for the person they are and I only ask in return that they do the same for me. I just feel though there no one really out there who going to really do that for me. Accept me for the person I am. Can I sit here and say im happy with who I am and how my life is atm I really think I am at the point of where its hard for me to know anymore. And now sometimes its hard as I watch and see everyone else around me now living in happiness. Family members and friends now married with kids exactly what I want more than anything a part of me now just cant help but feel sad and hurt because I just wonder now if I can really have that. My family and my friends would say and I know deep down within myself I am a great, genuine, down the earth guy who can make someone happy. Im a good listener and I be there no matter what for anyone through good times and bad. Just don't want to loss faith cause I truly believe in my heart and have faith that there is someone out there who be with me for me and love me for me. I can see where exactly I want to be. I just cant see how I am to get there. Thanks for giving me the chance to tell my story. Any thoughts or help would mean a lot

Gypsyangel Was I wrong to leave?
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone Feeling at a loss. 7 years ago I went through a group of stressful events. I lost both my grandmother's 3 months apart, had to walk away from my dream business as it was illegally sold to me. Then to top it off my son, then 13 came to me ... View more

Hi everyone Feeling at a loss. 7 years ago I went through a group of stressful events. I lost both my grandmother's 3 months apart, had to walk away from my dream business as it was illegally sold to me. Then to top it off my son, then 13 came to me in tears and completely distressed telling me all the horrible things my then husband had been saying to him about me. He basically ran me down as a person to my son. From sexual content to how useless I was. This shattered my world. I asked him to leave and he agreed to go stay at the farm house. He continued to take out his issues on my son when he had contact. His behavior became even more erratic after I told him I wasn't coming back. 6 years later I am fighting depression, anxiety, trying to survive and now finally settlement. He is and has made everything so very difficult. I just want all this to end. It's been a nightmare. I sometimes think should I have stayed and lived a miserable life doing what he thought I should be doing....was it wrong of me to leave?