I need advice about my friendship with my best friend
Me and my best friend are really close (I think) yet sometimes I feel like I am always the one texting him and organising to hang out and sometimes he suddenly bales and I don't know if I believe his reasons all the time.
A part of me knows that's what his personality is like, yet I can't help but feel as if I am much more invested in the friendship than he is. It drives me crazy and I get so anxious thinking about what he's doing and whether or not he really likes me as a person. We do fight every now and then but we always end up saying we love each other.
I just don't know what to do. Do I stop texting him and talking to him to see when he messages me, even though I'm terrified he won't message me ever and it'll be the end of our friendship, or do I bring it up to him and (most likely) cause a fight between us.
He knows a lot about my issues with trusting people and feeling not good enough, but sometimes it still seems like he doesn't take these things into consideration at all
I also have a really bad habit of holding grudges, and so sometimes when we fight it's hard for me to not bring up things that we've already resolved from the past, often just to hurt him. And I know this is terrible, and I'm worried that now this is all getting to him and he's realising he doesn't want to be my best friend anymore.
I'm terrified of losing him more than anything, so any advice would be much appreciated. Sometimes my mental state makes it hard to think straight, and I think an outside opinion could really help me
I'd like to welcome you here and say I very much sympathize with your situation. It sounds a worrying matter and seems to be fueled by an imbalance - at least as you see it.
Ideally any relationship like yours is a pretty equal partnership, with love and a desire to look after the other person a given. Each person needs to feel secure and that they are looked after. If it is not that way then insecurity, doubt, anger and guilt all come to the front and the relationship goes downhill.
Now there may be a couple of things here. The first is are you somebody that has an anxiety or depression condition? The reason I ask is you did say you had trust issues and also don't feel good enough. If you are under treatment then I'd suggest you see your doctor and talk the matter over, your regime may need adjusting.
If you are not under treatment I think it would be a pretty good idea to book a long consultation with your GP and say what's been happening to you and how you feel. Ask to be tested for depression and anxiety and see how things work out. As someone who has suffered from those illnesses I can say my life did not improve until I got help.
Going back to the idea of a partnership. If you want to go though life with someone then it is a must to be able to talk together about important things - matters that affect one or both of you deeply. So you need to do this with your BF. Everyone needs to develop a way of putting their point of view without arguing or recriminations, if you don't then the other person will be expecting trouble and you won't able to resolve anything.
So have the conversation abut how you feel and what you need -and what he needs too.
Writing things down and sharing the paper is good. You can do this with your doctor too. I find it an excellent way of getting things down by myself without rush.
Apart from your BF do you have family or a friend to help and support you? This can make a big difference if there is a sensible person to talk things over with.
I hope you return and say more