Relationship and family issues

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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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My_names_jane Ive lost my best friend
  • replies: 3

Hi, Im new here. Over the course of three or four years I have become sadder and sadder. I feel hopeless, I have no energy because I am always tired, Im not funny anymore- I used to be so funny and laughed at anything. I used to get compliments and p... View more

Hi, Im new here. Over the course of three or four years I have become sadder and sadder. I feel hopeless, I have no energy because I am always tired, Im not funny anymore- I used to be so funny and laughed at anything. I used to get compliments and people always applauded my work and opinions. I was a strong person. I used to be decisive and confident. However certain events have crushed me. I just can't get back up. I can't get me back. My greatest support person has literally dumped me. My mum. She just seems to have gotten sick of me. My mum was my absolute best friend in the world but now has contempt for me. She used to love me, but now she makes me feel like a burden. When I vent to her about someone I know or something that happened at work, I do so because I just want to vent and have a gossip with someone i trust. I just want to get things off my mind instead. Instead she gets mad and wrongs me. She takes sides against me and says that I am to blame always, that Im being too sensitive or I am over reacting. She befriends people who openly dislike me, and just because they are polite towards her, which you one would expect, she says they are lovely and that I have created the problems or its in my imagination. The more she tells me not to "whinge" the sadder I get. Who else can I talk to so openly and honestly? Because of the words she has said to me I find myself doubting myself. Ive lost my confidence. Now I find it awkward to be around people. If your own mother thinks your and person what must others think? I find I am afraid to say the wrong thing or make the wrong decisions. This has affected my work. Im afraid of making hard decisions, when I tell her about work, she accuses me of being reasonable and a bad manager. When I try to explain the bad behaviour of fellow employees she tells me Ive done the wrong thing, although I was given a responsibility because I am decisive. She doesn't respect me. She has taken to laughing at me in front of family and friends about the way I dress and my weight and thinks its funny and gets furious when I say I don't think its funny. She calls me names like mental and sick. I love my mother, but I can't help but think that she is the cause of my sadness and feelings of hopelessness. And the worst thing is, I have isolated myself, and if it weren't for work, I live the life of a hermit, because i'm afraid of being hated or laughed at.

Cherpieus Don't want to go home<object type="cosymantecnisbfw" cotype="cs" id="SILOBFWOBJECTID" style="width: 0px; height: 0px; display: block;"></object>
  • replies: 3

I keep reading it helps to share feelings. Well I've tried this with those that supposedly care about me (ie. my husband) and it's made things much much worse. So I'm trying to share here, not to get advice but just so I know that I have been 'real' ... View more

I keep reading it helps to share feelings. Well I've tried this with those that supposedly care about me (ie. my husband) and it's made things much much worse. So I'm trying to share here, not to get advice but just so I know that I have been 'real' at least to 'someone'. I'm struggling with feelings of wanting to run away. I'm too chicken to suicide as physical pain scares me and I've heard that children are more likely to suicide if a parent has and I don't want that for my teenage kids.I can't be myself at home. The times I've tried my husband gets annoyed with me. He is now hardly speaking to me and has withdrawn from me emotionally and physically. I can't talk to him about my depression at all. He told me I should stop all medication and just be happy with what I have. I know he has now lost all respect for me and I'm fearful he doesn't love me anymore.I'm looking into doing things to avoid being at home so much. I already work full time and have two teenage children which I drive around alot so that takes up quite a bit of time. I'm now looking at doing some night courses, even though when I've tried this in the past it drives me to exhaustion. But I don't know what else to do. The thing is when I do go out a lot my husband gets annoyed with me as he likes me to be home with him, even though he just works in the workshop the whole time.I fantasize about leaving everything and everyone one day - just leave and not be found. The problems with this is I don't have enough money and it's hard to change your identity. In fact after reading about it I don't think it's possible to change your identity without becoming completely homeless.I just want a place where if I'm teary or depressed then I can just be left alone and effect no-one. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Sir_Lurkalot Woman of my Dreams is a Nightmare
  • replies: 4

I don't know where to start or how to begin. There isn't a short way to describe my story and so many topics that all feed into why I'm here and writing this. I've been reading some threads of others and I keep feeling that I shouldn't be here, there... View more

I don't know where to start or how to begin. There isn't a short way to describe my story and so many topics that all feed into why I'm here and writing this. I've been reading some threads of others and I keep feeling that I shouldn't be here, there are so many people with lives worse than mine. What right do I have to be unhappy, what am I so sad about? My girlfriend has escaped a relationship with my help from who I believe to of been a Sociopath or at the very least show many of their attributes. I'd know my GF since she was 14 and we tried to date in highschool so after not seeing her for nearly 20yrs and finding out the girl of my dreams was an abused prisoner I helped her find the strength to leave her partner of nearly 6yrs, 5 of which were spattered with physical and emotional abuse, coercion and forced acts. We began our new lives together slowly. I'd spend weekends with her and occasionally stay for tea during the week. Issues surrounding her behaviour became clearer and clearer to me with time and she is getting better, namely guessing what I'm thinking or about to think and then taking action i.e. Presuming I'm upset or angry with her and becoming defensive when I wasnt upset/angry at all. I've taken to keeping a diary of these sorts of events to try find ways of keeping her calm based on my notes. She still overreacts to things I do or don't do or say the wrong way, tumbling down into yet another argument from her while I try to convince her I'm not angry with her. Everything is always my fault, no matter what. I'm the argumentative one. I break down and cry to manipulate her and embarrass her. I ruin our weekends, our weeknights, dinner with friends. We were supposed to go on a road trip just today for a getaway holiday to relax but last night we had another argument after I got the hiccups and couldnt stop them. She tried to help then thought when I got up to go to the toilet that I left because I was unhappy with her and she felt embarrassed. Later when both in bed and she was telling me off for treating her poorly and I snapped, told her to leave. I started yelling it like a crazed man holding the bedsheets up under my chin. She left and I was too stunned with shock to get up and try to stop her. I love her with every fibre of my being, flaws, habits, warts and all. I'm ashamed, hurt and disgusted with myself I swore I'd never leave her. She's let me back into the house but I think damage is done. I don't know why I said it, she hates me

JoeBlue32 We're not over, but is it?
  • replies: 1

I recently discovered my wife was thinking of leaving me. I found out by stumbling across some of her social media MSGs. I then read further back and found it had been brewing for some time. There were a number of issues why she had come to this conc... View more

I recently discovered my wife was thinking of leaving me. I found out by stumbling across some of her social media MSGs. I then read further back and found it had been brewing for some time. There were a number of issues why she had come to this conclusion and I immediately set upon fixing these issues thinking that would make a difference. I came clean to her about reading her MSGs and things have been turbulent ever since. All the issues she had with me I had counter issues with her. We didn't communicate effectively and I understand that now. I also thought of leaving a couple of years ago but we had two babies and she was heavily depressed so I stayed to do "the right thing". I'm glad I did because things got better for me and I now love her more than ever. Fast forward a couple of years and the situation is reversed. I suggested couples counselling and she agreed initially but later in a very emotional discussion she said she didn't want to and insisted she was not leaving because it would tear apart the kids. She then insisted I wasn't leaving either. She says that she loves me. I am her best friend. This gives me hope but I am also not naive. I know relationships and feelings change and it can get better, but it may not. I love her more than ever and I am struggling with the thought of living with someone I love but who isn't in love with me. Part of me says stay because I have her, not 100% but she's here. I also have two adorable kids who I couldn't ever hurt. The other part says it will hurt short term but give it some time and if her affection doesn't return or progress in the positive get out. I don't know what to do.

SehBear3 How to move on from a break-up after 8years?
  • replies: 6

So this is it. My world turned upside down. After a year of my mum fighting cancer, dog dying, watching my Nan die, I am now trying to deal with feeling so heartbroken and alone. So alone. Moved back home to mum and dads, but they are overseas. Also ... View more

So this is it. My world turned upside down. After a year of my mum fighting cancer, dog dying, watching my Nan die, I am now trying to deal with feeling so heartbroken and alone. So alone. Moved back home to mum and dads, but they are overseas. Also left my 2 beloved cats with my partner. It's day 5. I'm so alone and in pain. Pain like I've never felt before. The sadness is unbearable. Any valuable tips on making new habits and routines as a newly single?

MisterM My estranged sister called me yesterday
  • replies: 3

I didn't know my phone rang as it was on silent so it came up a missed call. I couldn't call her back right away as I was not able to. When I could I sat there thinking do I call back, what do I say. I called back but she didn't answer. I am still so... View more

I didn't know my phone rang as it was on silent so it came up a missed call. I couldn't call her back right away as I was not able to. When I could I sat there thinking do I call back, what do I say. I called back but she didn't answer. I am still so angry at her over many things, I can't seem to let go of my anger. She has hurt me tremendously and contributed to my depression and anxiety. I am anxious about if she calls back and I don't know how to deal with it.

ebbie Love each other, but he needs space.
  • replies: 2

I have been seeing the same guy for four years now. I went away on holiday with my family (without him) and he asked for space. I gave it to him, and then he wanted to see me. Things were getting better but then he had friends over and didn't invite ... View more

I have been seeing the same guy for four years now. I went away on holiday with my family (without him) and he asked for space. I gave it to him, and then he wanted to see me. Things were getting better but then he had friends over and didn't invite me. It really hurt. We argued about this as it was really embarrassing for me (I have to work with the people invited, that's how I found out). This argument turned into the question as to why he needed space, does he want to be with me, and then finally why don't you just break up with me? He insist that he loves me, he kept saying it over and over, but when I asked how can you love me and not want to be around me, he responded with "I don't think you should be near me, I'm scared I will disappoint and hurt you." We have agreed that space is needed, that we wont see or talk to each other for a bit. I followed up with, "does that mean you want to see other people?" He said "No. He only wants to have me." I followed this by asking if he has ever been with anyone else in our relationship, he also said no to that and I do believe him. I have tried talking to him as to why he needs space. Tried to find out exactly why and what is going on... but he has always had trouble with talking. I honestly do not know what to do? I want to be with him, but I feel so alone, I feel like no one wants me. How can someone love you (I know he does), but not want to be near you at this time? I want to stay with him, I really do, but it's hurting so much.

Cheetah Heartbroken and anxious
  • replies: 2

Hi, This is my first post on here, just wanted to reach out as I'm not coping very well with the recent end of a long term relationship. It's been 7 weeks since it ended and I'm finding myself suffering anxiety which has effected my sleep as well. St... View more

Hi, This is my first post on here, just wanted to reach out as I'm not coping very well with the recent end of a long term relationship. It's been 7 weeks since it ended and I'm finding myself suffering anxiety which has effected my sleep as well. Still feeling the pain of the loss and it was done over the phone, as he lives in another country it's likely our paths will ever cross again. He ended it 3 days before I was meant to join him overseas, I had already spent two months there and he bought us a beautiful home to start our life together. I had some things there already which he has promptly returned. Trying to deal with the loss of dreams which included starting a family and trying to get over the feeling of being kicked out of our home. Lonely and anxious. Help.

neroben1991 Infidelity, uncertainty
  • replies: 1

I've been together with my girlfriend for roughly 6-7 years, recently I discovered that she's been seeing someone else since April this year. What startles me is when I confront her (even though I have evidence) still acts if everything is fine, clai... View more

I've been together with my girlfriend for roughly 6-7 years, recently I discovered that she's been seeing someone else since April this year. What startles me is when I confront her (even though I have evidence) still acts if everything is fine, claims she's in the right and claims she's not doing stuff behind my back. I haven't spent time with her in over a year, I miss her and really love her. Everytime we try to spend time together something always comes up on the day we try to, the constant excuses on her end is frustrating and making me lonelier day by day. She has been away for a week and going home tomorrow and I want to confront her about how I feel and get her to tell the truth, fix things and start seeing each other more. But I know she'll continue to deny the infidelity side of things, I wish she would just come clean. She's blocked me on facebook, Steam and the only way her and I talk is either via text or calling each others phones. I've been anxious, stressed and depressed about this for a long time and it's taking a toll on my studies for uni. I feel lonelier everyday, I can no longer sit at home because my mind is constantly thinking about the issue and I no longer enjoy things, except running an event I host once a month. I go for a walk but it only provides temporary relief, I try to catch with friends but majority of the time they're busy and don't want to. I have organised to see a counsellor at my uni in the coming weeks, but I'm able to cope and no longer can deal with this weight on my shoulders.

Metzil81 Marriage over
  • replies: 1

marriage Is over,for financial reasons I stay fir now because we have kids. anyone going through a ended marriage and being separate.

marriage Is over,for financial reasons I stay fir now because we have kids. anyone going through a ended marriage and being separate.