I'm so lonely

[Sadoerson]

This is my first thread, so hey! I really don't know what to say but that I just feel so lonely. And it's been like this my entire life. Throughout my life, i've been the one chasing people and struggling to keep friendships. I've always been the second choice/option for everyone I've become close to- including my childhood bestfriend rn and I sometimes even feel like my mum too. My closest sister doesn't live at home so I barely talk to her and my dad just recently passed away. As well as this, just a few months ago I got my first ever pet (puppy) that I was extremely close to, but can't live with us anymore for other complicated reasons. Along with that, at this moment I feel as if my lifelong 'bestfriend' is slowly drifting apart from me. Ever since the beginning of high school she has slowly lost interest in being close with me because of another 'best friend'. I mean they're both at a sleepover right now! This is what it's been like my entire life. It's a constant feeling of being neglected, taken advantage or granted of and being left out. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[V17]

Hey Sadoerson,

Welcome to the BB Forum 🙂

I'm truly sorry you are feeling lonely. Good on you for reaching out! It shows you value yourself enough to know that you want to change your situation. This takes courage so please take the time to say to yourself "Well done, me!". If you are not up to saying and believing that then let me say, Well done! 🙂

I have also been taken for granted and have felt generally unloved and like you say 'left out'. It hurts. Sometimes when I have 'given' of myself so much, I often neglect myself. It's this very thing - neglecting myself - that I would like to make a point on to, hopefully, help you get through this. I once thought that to think of myself is a selfish thing. The thing is Sadoerson, that by thinking of myself I became happier and therefore more confident to know when I could help people and when I could not. I did this by putting in place boundaries.
For example.. My sister would always rock up at my house to 'kill time' between either having her car fixed or waiting for one of here kids to finish school, a friend to finish work etc.. It hurt me to know she would be at my home to waste time for her next 'appointment' but not come to see me for the enjoyment of my company. So with the help of my counselor we identified the need to put in place strategies - healthy boundaries - that would firstly enable me to live my day without having to feel taken for granted. By doing this it also allowed my sister to see that she would either need to call me or ask me if she could 'kill time' with me. This was great because it allowed me to say "No, it isn't a good time for me." I didn't have to justify why and I gradually found it easier to say 'No' to people. It took time but I came to realise what 'my part' in feeling lonely was. I people pleased.

I also started to find things that made me feel happy. I like to write and before too long I found ways where I was happy and the need to make everyone else happy lessened. It doesn't mean I couldn't help when I wanted to, or there are people in my life that do need help; it just meant that being happy for me was important and made me stop and think if the help I was giving was to people please or was because I genuinely wanted to help? I hope this makes!

There are so many people here, including myself, that will try and help you any way we can. You are not alone and I am so glad you posted because you help me too, by allowing me to understand ME better. Thank you.

V.

[SourceShield]

Beautifully worded and expressed, V!

I really couldn't put it any better than V has, but I wanted to also welcome you, Sadoerson, and say that I really feel you, in your words.

Relationships, of all types, are the greatest mysteries of them all...but as we grow, and I am not talking about age but as we grow in life-experience our knowledge and understandings will develop as well.

It seems so intense right now, but you are asking the right and best questions, so trust that this too will pass...put in place, as V has suggested, some healthy boundaries and find the right and best help to assist you with that, and in no time, you'll feel a lot more confident.

That confidence when nurtured will be the thing that will attract the right and best people and situations into your life because they will be attracted to your personality and confident character.

Takes time, and practice...but you're not alone.

Stay in touch.

MuchLove

[PatT]

Hi Sadperson,

Sorry you're going through this and we can all relate to those innate and terrible feelings of loneliness. It's an unfortunate reality that often relationships do change and friendships deteriorate. It becomes more commonplace the older you get and personally (at 25) I've become repeatedly hurt by these realities. A lot of the time it doesn't have anything to do with you, it's just how people's priorities and world views change. I think what the others have said about putting up boundaries and talking to a counsellor are great ideas.

Are there other ways you can try and make friends? Like school/community/sporting clubs to get into? And would it be worth talking to your sister and telling how what you're feeling at the moment in the hope that you guys could speak more? You've come across as very eloquent and empathic which are traits of somebody I assume has a lot to give as a friend. Have you actually spoken with your friend about your feelings? If not I'd recommend it. Maybe they simply don't realise.

Keep in touch with us, let us know how you're doing. We're always here for you.

Pat

[MarkJT]

Sadoerson, hey there, welcome to the forums and well done for reaching out. You are in a very supportive, friendly and non judgmental place.

Sorry to hear about what you are going through and i cant go past the words of V17 above, really well written.

I just wanted to add that you sound young and if this is the case, it would be good if you could also pop on over to the Young People thread. I would think that there are some people who are going through exactly what you are going through.

Take care and please keep posting as you are certainly not alone in your journey. I would think just about every person has felt taken advantage of, neglected or left out at one stage or another. Not to patronise you at all of course as i can see by your post that you are really feeling it.

Look forward to seeing how you are going.

Mark.

[Melfunction81]

Hi, I have just joined up here and this is the first post I came across and I just wanted to say that it seems like we are going through almost the exact same things.You are not alone in feeling this way. I wish I could say something more uplifting but im on a downer right now so its kinda tough. I hope that you will be OK, sending lots of love your way xo

[SourceShield]

Hey Mel!

...just wanted to welcome YOU too.

MuchLove

[Shadowkid]

I can honestly say I'm with you . To let you know my saga never stops with the same things. I think I was meant to be alone ,the only thing that sparks an emotion sometimes which I hold in is not knowing what it would be like to actually be loved. I was resented from age 3 years old so my life evolved into nothing but destruction and for some reason I have survived though recently I saw a picture of my Dad with his second son and a family of support I never had and my father hasn't and wont contact me nor my sisters. I was abused and beaten by my stepmother and it got so bad my father said I would have to go to a home to save his marriage and he did and had two new children 2 her , my stepmother resented me and hated me because I reminded her of my dads other wife . at 3 on wards my father told my mum he wanted a divorce and to sell the house so he could get half the money to buy a new home with his new woman (stepmother) she did but then became an alcoholic and I was dragged around homeless until age 9 with her and i finally had to go live back with my Dad because my mum lost custody of me so stepmummy didn't' like that so i got punished looking back I can't tell you how abused I was , I went to 13 different schools before I reached age 12 and I couldn't ever make any friends because most the kids were brought up in that area since birth so I always got into fights and was never accepted in anywhere because of this I was casted out and lost touch with my family members and never seen since. I tried to make a new life for myself and have had many friends many lost to suicide and even recently my girlfriend of 11 years 3 months ago also to suicide . I have given up on people I dont really know why all this has happened to me I didn't ask for it . I unfortunately am not suicidal and discovered my potential and turned things around but my outlook on life isn't great but I focus on playing my piano and try and think about other things I could do , but I know I am doomed in the friendship department . I guess after so many years you just have to accept that I'm not going to get things desperately so I let it go .Love yourself I say don't worry if nobody loves you or doesn't want to your friend your loneliness you may find is a blessing as many are married and extremely unhappy and pretend to the world life is grand. Society loves lies and jealousy hatred and its fake scent I smell all the time find a path of your own the world is your Oyster.x