The good in relationships
This may seem like a negetive post I know but I promise it isn't. I really want to hear the honestly happy stories, and how you met.
I am hoping to get from a female perspective that there is still good in men. Every relationship I witness around me is either abusive emotionally or physically or simply soul sucking. Even after my mum left my abusive dad and I thought her new partner was heaven sent, he has turned out to be no better but in a different way. Girlfriends around me have given up so much and let their partners dictate essentially their way in life and it is like they cant see it. "But I love him "... but why isn't he doing the same for you? Relationships should be mostly equal.
I am 37, soon to be 38 and have been single for 90% of the last decade. I suspect I have learnt to assume the worst from people, especially men, without really realising it until just now. So please, give me some faith!
There is two sides. There are women that are often mentally stronger than men. I kniw, I endured 11 years of life with my ex wife with weapons like silence, emotional game playing and undue criticusm of personality. It drove me to a safety plan.
Silence can be a terrible weapon. Two young kids and not getting a response for 4-6 wreks because I did some minor thing like put white in with colour when washing clothes.
Since then she's married twice more and funny enough both men have called on me asking for advice on the best way to handle her. If I knew, I'd have stuck with her.
Now the flip side. I've worked with many men.in the RAAF and the security industry. If I was a female I'd have difficulty choosing the good from the not so good. Many were womanisers and had affairs. Perhaps research isnt being thorough enough.
Hope I've clarified a few things.
Thank you Tony.
Im sorry for the relationship you have been through, it sounds alot like what my mum had going on.
And I can see now maybe I should've said faith in relationships needs to be restored. As I'm sure it happens to both gender sides.
When you say if you knew you may have stuck with her - what do you mean by that? As one of my theories is I jump ship too quickly, which I think is quite common for alot of us. Whenever I get a hint of these kind of traits Im out of there!
But your comment about the womanisers kinda proves my suspicions - the nicer the guy (and especially the better looking) the more I dont trust them. This is sounding like my issues Im sure but I hate it when again and again Im right.
So I guess once again Im hoping for some positive stories to emerge?
Yes, without the emotional games, abuse, I likely would have endured the marriage. Abuse is extreme hurtful behaviour that can only be tolerated for so long.
A good story now. Early on in that marriage I matchma d e my brother in law to a friend. She became my daughters favourite auntie. She never had childten of her own.
At 12yo my eldest (she's getting married tomorrow ) came to live with me. When she was 20yo, 8 years ago, her auntie and I were single and we got together. We married in 2011. Her auntie became her step mum.
As my daughter hasnt seen her birth mothèr for nearly a decade she has made my wife the "mother of the bride ".
Our marriage is rock solid.
I can certainly sympathise with that view - I think it's the power that men have in relationships (and society) that corrupt them, we're given tacit approval to take our problems out on our female partners..and we're often brought up to not know any better...
However I have a good news story! (Starts bad) I had a father very much like you're describing (indeed he's STILL like that) controlling, selfish, everyone tiptoes around him (used to be violent and angry) and my Mum has learnt over 50 years to just go along with everything he says and does.
Then I had a terrible marriage followed by a fantastic relationship with my current wife of 17 years.
We went through a rocky patch when my anxiety was undiagnosed and I blamed her for a lot of my problems (something I learned from my parents relationship) but thankfully she stuck with me and I can't believe how good our relationship is now - I'm madly in love with her, she's my best friend, she's opened my eyes to issues I'd never thought of before and made me a better person in every way.
I see our marriage as an equal partnership and I'm happy to compromise and accommodate any of MY plans or wants because I love and respect HER so much - rather than being a competition or a battle - I'm not trying to talk myself up as if I'm a perfect partner - I just love her so much I don't want to control her or hold her back from anything she wants to do.
And she has helped and supported me SO much through my anxiety and supported my sometimes struggling career! Sorry to go on so long - but I think a lot of men need to educate themselves and unlearn a lot of the male privilege they've grown up in - because that's really what makes them feel they have a right to control and hinder their partners in living their own lives to the fullest...
Totally totally understand you. The world is thick with seemingly no-good men and women and it can often appear as if there's no hope for us single people who keeo getting thrown through the ringer.
I believe that relationships should be totally equal, no questions asked! It seems to be that many relationships are dictatorships rather than partnerships though which is really horrible!!
I'm lucky enough to be surrounded with SO many people - couples and just guys in general that have reallt good, kind hearts and treat the women they're with like literal queens. My step dad for one literally worships my Mum and she thinks the same of him as he does of her. It really is out there, it's just few and further to actually find.
I think it matters where you meet these people. Someone you meet at a bar may be stereotypically different than someone you meet at Church or at a workplace. I also think that really getting to know someone first is important and allows you to guard your heart.
So I know it's out there, for me and for you!
Thankyou so much for your reply, it really has helped.
Deep down I knew there had to be this kind of relationship but it was just becoming further and further away from reality. It sounds to me you really have got a good one.
Can I ask - what actions made you get through that rocky point? Did you go to therapy for your anxiety which helped you open up to her? Or simply opening up communication?
On a personl level I think I expect too much too early. Like I can see from your example we dont fall into these amazing relationships - it takes time to work through things, little bumps and hiccups
Thankyou so much for your reply. So they are there, just not many? I can def believe that.
I have tried to keep myself open to meeting new people but my life circle seems to be getting smaller and smaller. I totally agree that it depends where you are looking but saying that one of my girlfriends met her other half at a nightclub at 2am... and he is one of the better ones. Love her but honestly she is the crazy one in that relationship.
Workplace is awkward - have done that before and regretted it since. Maybe time to change jobs anyway
And online dating is just a nightmare for my anxiety, I probably don't need to explain too much on that scenario but lets just say I find it very hard to be myself.
So just hoping to bump into this amazing guy at my weekly supermarket shop!
Haha Im being dramatic of course. But fate is definitely taking his/her time.
So yes fingers and toes crossed
Yes it was treating my anxiety that got us through our bad patch. It was really all on my side - when I didn't know what anxiety was I was frustrated and angry at the world for causing all my problems. Anyone who met us at that time would have thought I was a horrible partner...
Im just incredibly glad she stuck with me. She says she didn't know how she knew but she knew it would work out...
I have found though that my whole life (and our relationship) is so much better now since the therapy because - besides my anxiety is much less - I have a much better understanding of how my brain works and have seen how communication and openness is the cure for just about any problem!
Im sorry I don't have any advice for meeting people because I don't know where I'd start..!
Best wishes, J.