Relationship and family issues

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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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wander_lust Both partners depressed in a relationship
  • replies: 6

Hi, I hope I can get some good advice on this. My ex and I had a wonderful relationship and were very happy together. However I went through several traumatic experiences - losing a family member, damaging my back & struggling to walk, moving away fr... View more

Hi, I hope I can get some good advice on this. My ex and I had a wonderful relationship and were very happy together. However I went through several traumatic experiences - losing a family member, damaging my back & struggling to walk, moving away from where I love, struggling with long distance. Somewhere in the midst my depression returned and it hit me like a truck in December. At this point my partner was happy with me and actually told people I was 'the one'. I had noticed that he had also been progressively seeming less like his cheerful self and sensed his depression was creeping back in. I reached out to him numerous ways but was always told he was fine. Anyway in January I was an absolute mess with my depression - very labile, emotional outbursts. The works. I hated being around myself & struggled to be around him as a result. And then he broke up with me. Said I brought him down and he couldn't take my moods or arguments. It came out then that he felt bad in himself and he said he wanted time to get better to heal himself. He said if we continued he would lose me forever and didnt want that. So we had a couple of months apart. He saw a psychologist a few times which I think helped. I started on antidepressants and started seeing a psychologist regularly. Then he came back to me and told me he wanted me back. He still seemed labile and distant. We did get back together & I did my best to love him & support him & make him happy. We had one or two arguments. He seemed very depressed to me. Broken in fact. I asked him to get help as he had severe anxiety and seemed very depressed. He told me any problem he had we should be able to solve. He refused to go to a doctor and said he had no time or money to talk to a psychologist. I tried to support him but because I was still coming out of my depression and had ill health it was to much. Then a few days later he finished it. Again saying I brought him down. He told me two days later that he doesn't know who he is anymore. He hates his life. Every aspect of his life is miserable. It just screams depression again to me. He said he feels too bad to share himself with anyone and cant be around me because he feels too guilty. I told him if he needs me I'm here but i've heard nothing from him for weeks. Do I just leave him alone & hope he gets better? Were we just never meant to be? I miss him terribly and feel awful about how my depression affected him. Is there anything I can do?

wanted_a_simple_life How can they sleep at night???
  • replies: 3

The guy who I suspect is having an affair with my seperate wife emails me today to say hi. Is he a nutcase or what??? First he chases a married woman with two kids and then has the hide to do that??

The guy who I suspect is having an affair with my seperate wife emails me today to say hi. Is he a nutcase or what??? First he chases a married woman with two kids and then has the hide to do that??

Jan52 Am I going crazy?
  • replies: 4

I'm in my 60s, am my son's carer he has an Acquired brain injury due to surgery for epilepsy and has developed a mental illness. I have been looking after him for 7 yrs. 13 years ago moved to my husbands home state, I'm a Sydney girl, to be closer to... View more

I'm in my 60s, am my son's carer he has an Acquired brain injury due to surgery for epilepsy and has developed a mental illness. I have been looking after him for 7 yrs. 13 years ago moved to my husbands home state, I'm a Sydney girl, to be closer to his family. 10 yrs ago my husband got work overseas, he'd come home when he could and I also visited. It was on one of my visits I found out he had been fouling around...I was upset and hurt needless to say. I've also noticed my few friends dropped away, after my son was living back home with me, they don't know how to handle the situation. I've now discovered my husband has a chinese girlfriend same age as my eldest daughter, she's been around for 3 yrs apparently. Visits home are less and less and I find I'm very alone, very isolated, very lonely and very fed up. Can't be bothered to do anything.I've had counselling in the past CBT to assist with my son. We live in a rural situation. I can't afford to move into town or back to Sydney as I have been stupid not to have saved some money when I discovered the Chinese woman. I want to scream abuse at my husband, but don't. Find myself talking to myself about him. We have been married 43 yrs. guess I've been traded in ...am I going nuts? Am I being selfish thinking the way I am?

vicman don’t ask questions when.....
  • replies: 3

I’m sitting here today almost in tears; I broke a golden rule given to me by a counsellor many years ago. That rule was “don’t ask questions when you know the answer might hurt you”. She gave me that rule when I was in a depression and needed conform... View more

I’m sitting here today almost in tears; I broke a golden rule given to me by a counsellor many years ago. That rule was “don’t ask questions when you know the answer might hurt you”. She gave me that rule when I was in a depression and needed conformation from my then wife that all was good and she loved me. Just a few months later she left me and I had a breakdown. In the year or so after that separation I lost contact with all my kids and therefore all my grand children too. A few days ago I decided I needed to contact some of my grand kids via Facebook and ask one last time if I’d be allowed back into their lives, but I’m yet to receive a response, I guess that means no. I did try a few years ago and didn’t get a reply so I guess history is repeating itself. Why do I do this to myself? Don’t worry I’m not having silly thoughts, just wish I could erase certain memories, life would be so much better if we could pick and choose what we remember and what is forgotten forever.

yona Having aspergers and and never fitting in
  • replies: 2

Hi I am new to all this and have come here because I need to be able to talk about my day to day life with some one as my family have given up on me That's the way I feel at the moment anyway.Where to start I am 35 and live at home with my parents th... View more

Hi I am new to all this and have come here because I need to be able to talk about my day to day life with some one as my family have given up on me That's the way I feel at the moment anyway.Where to start I am 35 and live at home with my parents there's me my mother who has problems and then there is my step father has been around since I was two. Ever since I can remember I have found it very hard to fit in when I was very young no one new what was wrong with me so that made it even worse aspergers did not have a name back then.So I have spent most of my life in a way cut off from my family in a way because I see the world in a different way and find it hard to make friends and keep them and have all but given up on that having friends that is.I spend a lot of time by my self my be too much. I make my self feel better by drinking I guess to much. My Father tried to help me but has all but given up on me as I have given up on my self. He wants me to talk to him but I find it hard to because on one hand he says talk to me and then on the other he says everyone brings there problems to me. So if I do go to him it's the wrong thing to do and if I don't it is the wrong thing to do. I can not talk to my mother because she has too many problems herself.In the past I would self harm to make my self feel better. I never used to drink.Some times I think that I went home with the wrong family and that my parents deserve better then what they got in me. Mum says I love you Carla and I say it must be bloody hard to. I find it hard to like or even love my self.So this is just some of what has happened in my life. Thank you for listening to me. God I must sound nutsbeyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Miss_Blue Brother in prison, father absent
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone This is very new to me but have been inspired to reach out by someone close to me. Where do I start?..... My brother has been in prison for about 1.5 years now and at times I find this hard to deal with. I need to be strong for him and fo... View more

Hi everyone This is very new to me but have been inspired to reach out by someone close to me. Where do I start?..... My brother has been in prison for about 1.5 years now and at times I find this hard to deal with. I need to be strong for him and for my family going through this too. We have been estranged for some time now as he was on drugs up until his conviction and as much as I wanted a relationship with him growing up I knew it was impossible with his lifestyle choice. I feel like I missed out on that bond big time. We have now had a chance to rebuild our relationship whilst he is incarcerated as he is now clean and sober. It has undoubtedly been the best thing for him though as I know without this experience he would never have gotten clean. It has been hard seeing my family go through this experience with him. In a strange way, it has brought us all together again.... My father is an absent one and I have never really known anything different from this. My mother is all I have left as she has raised me and my 3 siblings along with my stepfather. My older sister moved out when she was around 18 and even before that she was always out and never really home. I felt like I never really had a sisterly relationship with her until I reached my 20's. In my teens I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I used to get upset talking and trying to understand why my father abandoned us, but through counselling I have worked through it and moved on from it. Depression and anxiety runs through our family and I have been dealing with it since I was a child. I have good and bad days like everyone else. I have experimented with various medications, but found that counselling has really helped me the most. For most of my life I have felt really lost and alone, but as I have come into my own I now feel a sense of self. Most of my friends and even my partner at times do not understand the things I go through on a daily basis, so that is why I feel this may help. We can't all be strong all the time, so I'm hoping this will become a good outlet for me. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

wanted_a_simple_life I've given it my all
  • replies: 5

All I ever wanted is a family. I married in my early 30's after being well set up financially for the future. My wife was amazing and I loved her so much, we had two beautiful girls but over the years she seemed to hang around guys more. I found her ... View more

All I ever wanted is a family. I married in my early 30's after being well set up financially for the future. My wife was amazing and I loved her so much, we had two beautiful girls but over the years she seemed to hang around guys more. I found her keeping secrets from me when it came to the opposite sex. When we were dating, she showed no sign of this behaviour and was taken by surprise after a few years of marriage. I told her I was not comfortable with these relationships she had. I look at our friends and their wives never did this to their husbands. i didn't understand why she wanted or needed these guys in her life and started thinking she only married me for what I had and what I could give her. I used to become very frustrated at the lack of her acknowledgement that it is affecting our marriage. We separated 4 months ago and I'm still trying to come to terms with it all. I worked my butt off for my family and shown my love that way by being the best provider. She says I know you love me, but your not in love with me. I feel like that's a cop out. I still blame myself that I could have handled it better, but I was trying to protect my marriage...

notch What to do after my marriage broke down
  • replies: 5

Hi first time poster My marriage of 10 yrs has ended. My husband came home said he was feeling stressed and unhappy and packed his things and left within 5mins. His mum is dying of cancer and he was always at work never seeing her or us. He had withd... View more

Hi first time poster My marriage of 10 yrs has ended. My husband came home said he was feeling stressed and unhappy and packed his things and left within 5mins. His mum is dying of cancer and he was always at work never seeing her or us. He had withdrawn from a normal life for some time. The relationship wasn't bad in the sense that we didn't fight or argue. I moved with the children a week later 1500k's away back to a family residence but, it is not family i am particularly close to or get along with. However the children are happy here. It was leaving a job, friends, home, school, community that has really knocked me. This had happened before several yrs earlier and we had tried the counseling route we were at counselling for a year. The counselor told him that "he showed very strong Anti-Social Personality Disorder traits" and needed to seek further help with it. I thought it ment that he just didn't like socializing or was awkward in social situations. In reality he is a sociopath unable to feel the same way as normal people would. He said he was being a bad husband, father and son. Which was all true. He has stated that he doesn't want any contact with his children as he knows that he'll just mess them up cause he knows that he doesn't "feel" for them the way a dad should. He doesn't enjoy being around them and doesn't know how to interact with them and they just make him anxious and frustrated as he has no idea what they are talking about. Now that we have moved I have no friends, not that I had many before, my ex often didn't like anyone that I liked or wanted to go anywhere. When I say we didn't argue we didn't but when I got on his nerves he would just completely ignore me as he would do with the children too. I feel like I am completely unable to function. I have lost a lot of weight. I feel like I'm failing and cry a lot everyday. I am now in a rural area with no contact to anyone. I am finding the thought of trying to put things together very overwhelming. It is even hard to talk to the people I know as I know I'm miserable and find it hard to communicate just how down and depressed I feel. it is really hard talking to people that think that being really happy and upbeat will rub off on me. With my ex having his personality disorder it has made me question everything about myself. I often blame myself and worry about what I should do to fix myself. I can't even look at people without worrying about how bad they must think of me.

vicman I just want to share
  • replies: 5

I just want to share this: Fifteen years ago I separated from my first wife after 26 years together. It was her idea as she wanted to do all the things she hadn’t done as a younger, single person. She was also having an affair at the time. I sunk dee... View more

I just want to share this: Fifteen years ago I separated from my first wife after 26 years together. It was her idea as she wanted to do all the things she hadn’t done as a younger, single person. She was also having an affair at the time. I sunk deeper into a depression and, over time, lost contact with all my children and Grand Children. After nearly a decade I was able to make contact with them via Facebook, unfortunately none of them wished to have contact with me. I don’t really blame them, after almost ten years they had new lives, lives without me. I’m remarried to a fantastic lady who had two adult children and now four Grand Children. The relationship between my wife and her children is not a close one so at this late stage in my life I feel so wasted. Although I have so much family out there I will forever be without them to share love and lives with.

wanted_a_simple_life I want to run away
  • replies: 2

My marriage has failed and just want to run away. Everything I've worked hard for means nothing. The only thing holding me here is my two precious daughters that need me more than I need them...

My marriage has failed and just want to run away. Everything I've worked hard for means nothing. The only thing holding me here is my two precious daughters that need me more than I need them...