Needing advice

[Katanne]

Hi - this is the first time of posting on a forum but am really needing some advice. My husband and I are going through a really patch at the moment and even though I still love him and really want our marriage to work I am not sure how to fix what is wrong. To cut a long story short we have two daughters who are currently school aged, I work full time and my husband works casually (he tried to set up his own business with a friend of his a couple of years ago but unfortunately this has not been successful). I believe (and this is where I need advice) that my husband is depressed about the business not being successful, his business partner really letting him down and that currently he is not really being able to provide for the family. My husband thinks that to improve his well being instead of having the girls in before and after school care (and us saving the money) that he will look after them himself in the afternoons. However by doing this he is not earning money and this then means that he is stressed about not earning any money and being able to pay the mortgage/normal bills. My wage can only stretch so far and even though I will pay for the bills that I can afford, my husband then thinks that I can't budget my money as I am not paying off the credit card as quickly as I (or he would like). We had a big argument last weekend as I had asked him to take one of our daughters to a swimming lesson which he didn't like and he said to me that once he starts to do one thing (ie picking up the girls from school) that I then take advantage of him and he can't get them into a routine (I found this really hard to hear considering that it was a once off).

My husband also thinks that I am not affectionate towards him however when you have your "so called husband" blame you constantly for everything that isn't right you will not exactly want to be affectionate to that person either. He regularly says that I have changed since we got together however this as prior to our children coming along so of course things would be different now.

Could someone let me know what their opinions are - as I said because we have children and because I want our marriage to work I am not sure where to go from here

By the way I would be the first person to admit that I am in no way perfect and have made errors along the way but do try and do things for the family not for myself.

[kanga_brumby]

Katanne this is a toughie welcome to beyond blue first.

My younger sister is in a similar situation to yourself. One difference is she has boys but the rest is a mirror image. You have to support your hubby the way you have all ready have. Let him do the budget for the bills and for the food so he can see you have been doing it just as good as he can do it, if not you do it most probably better than him. ( It's the old joke "for a woman to be half as good as a bloke. She has to do the job twice as quickly, and no mistakes. The bloke can make as meany as he likes. ) In fact women usually do a better job than most men. they take better care and pride in what they do. Your hubby 's business may pick up soon

Kanga

[Blue_Jane]

Hi Katanne

Welcome to our forums. We appreciate you taking the time to share what is going on with you.

Sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time. Sounds like there are a few issues at hand around your feelings towards your husband, his feelings of worthiness and the financial pressures.

Your husband is very lucky that you care enough for him and your family to reach out and look for solutions.

Would you both be open to speaking to a counsellor who is a specialist in relationships? Relationships Australia are great and you can see them face to face or speak to them over the phone.

In terms of his depression, this could be confirmed through one of the counselling conversations or maybe he will realise it himself? A GP appointment for your husband is another option but he has to want to discuss how he is feeling.

Blue Jane