Pregnant, depressed husband cheated

Giggity · ‎10-05-2019

I’m looking for advice from people who’ve been depressed themselves (especially men) or been through infidelity during pregnancy. 2 weeks ago my husband confessed he’d cheated on me for a couple of months. I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant. Devastated does not begin to describe it. He genuinely seemed appalled by himself and said he’d done just what his old man did and he hated himself for it (long history of family hurt there).

I’ve suspected for a long time he’s been depressed: we’ve had an AWFUL lot of hardship to deal with over the past 13 years. I’ve been the breadwinner for most of it, which has at times meant me working a f/t job plus a p/t. It’s been a very hard life for both of us, we’ve both been very down. Trouble is, he shuts off from everything. I get more and more frustrated, end up shouting at him for not helping around the house and making more mess I have to deal with. I don’t like it and clearly it’s just made things worse but I feel SO let down. He’s been an absolute island through this pregnancy, even though he assured me beforehand he wanted this. I was very sick at the end of my first trimester (pneumonia). He was very concerned about me but was his usual fairly useless withdrawn self. I’ve been heartbroken I haven’t had support and love. He has been interested but not actively supportive.

He was very honest about it all, but the thing is seeing him break down and cry was the MOST emotion I’ve seen from him in years. I jokingly (sort of) call him zombie. I was relieved he was letting it out, even if he has ruined my first prego/mum experience. He said it made him feel like he could escape his life and problems. Which I totally get. The other woman was disgusted when he confessed to her and asked to contact me to apologise, which she did after he told me. It’s definitely over. He then had a few days of worrying suicidal behaviour which I talked him down from.

Now he says he’s not sure about anything. Not sure if he loves me...and I’m left hanging, waiting for the “verdict”. He developed feelings for her but is not sure if it was HER or just feeling free of all the shit. He assures me he wants to be a father but doesn’t want to “let me down.” I’m afraid he’s only doing anything out of obligation and am trying to support him as his job is literally on the line (he’s let his whole life slip) and he’s required to work enormous hours to fix it. I’m walking on eggshells but angry and lonely. Needless to say there is now no affection from him.

Msimok · ‎10-05-2019

Its awful to hear but so glad your able to talk about this and your actively seeking help approx 12 years ago I was approx 4 month's pregnant our second child when I found out my partner cheated on me our relationship was complicated however I went over backwards I ended it before the end of the pregnancy I had worked a great deal on trust and nagging I was only 17 at the time however came to the realisation that even though I backed right off and was open to him having female friends and going out with the boys on Friday sat and Sunday night's I ended up being the only one to work on our relationship goals. I have learnt now by 30 years of age and being in a long term relationship that it takes a few things to make it work and if your not both on the same page it will be painful for you both. I have started reading avidly recently about relationships and happiness and have come to the conclusion it does take two, cheating you can overcome and put it behind you if handled the right way. wishing you luck.

IsaJett · ‎10-05-2019

Hi Giggity

welcome to this forum . I was cheated on too ...it is extremely painful ..but please remember it will get better . It always does. It might not seem so now ..but it will .

You mentioned he was suicidal ...there is a helpline Lifeline 13 11 14 for him or a callback service suicide helpline .1300 659 467 . It is important that he talks to someone and you too can call the beyond blue helpline 1300 22 46 36 if necessary . I remember calling them and it definitely help me a lot just to be able to talk to someone .

Try and take one step at a time. I remember finding meditation videos that helped me by J . Just google it .”Jason Stephenson mediation “..there are stacks on the internet to suit your needs .It will help you get some well needed sleep and some required peaceful times. Your husband can also use it .

Hope this helps ..let us know how you go with it ...speak soon 🙂

Giggity · ‎10-05-2019

Thanks msimok. I’m finding it really confusing because he’s talking about things in a future sense - us together, names for the baby, he even went and swapped his work vehicle for a more family friendly model. He keeps asking me if I like it and I say “well it’s your car” and he replies “well it’ll be *our* family car” so I’m very confused (and angry yo be honest!). If I try to bring up our relationship and where it’s headed (I’ve made it clear I can get past an indiscretion like that given the circumstances) he gets really angry and shuts down again. He’s happy to chat about almost anything else and has come back to the land of the living, checking in on me by text or phone through the day, which was always our thing. I thought we had good communication.

But I really am someone who needs to know we’re working toward the same goal and I like explicit clarity in my life. To me it doesn’t seem hard: you know if you love someone or not.

Has he reached some kind of emotional maximum and just can’t deal with stuff, especially talking about it???

I would love to have him just hug me and tell me it’s going to be alright. No one tells you how incredibly isolating pregnancy can feel - even if you’re *not* alone and your pregnancy is going well, it can feel lonely at the best of times. 😞

It’s ruined my mental preparation for the birth tbh. I was just hitting a really good place.

Some insight into the way depressed men’s heads work would be great!

Msimok · ‎11-05-2019

I don't know a great deal about why men cheat or why he is not willing to address the issue at hand. I learnt from my long term partner who had cheated before we met we talked about it a few times i learnt that he was depressed himself and felt he was failing as man had self confidence issues it was as simple as that the person that he cheated with made him temporarily feel better. I hope someone else has some knowledge on this subject because i have met quite a few couples this has happens to now but never fully resolved the issue they have all just ignored it pretty much which is probly not good for anyone.

quirkywords · ‎11-05-2019

Giggity,

Welcome to this forum. This is a friendly and supportive place.

Thnaks for being honest in sharing your story.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy and the imminent birth of your baby,

I feel that at the moment your health and well being is a priority. I understand you are worried about your husband’s health and cheating. has he got any help for his depression or is he willing to get help?

Younhabe experienced a lot of turmoil I. Your emotions at a time when being calm is very important. In these last few weeks your health is important. I know you are so concerned about your husband’s depression but that is affecting your emotional health.

Do you have anyone family or friends to talk to? Are you part of a mother’s group ? can you explain to your doctor so you can concentrate on your own well being.?

You are right being pregnant can be isolating at the best of times , so getting some support for you is important.

Take care

Quirky

geoff · ‎11-05-2019

Hi Giggity and those above, this is a rather sad thread, unfortunately, it does happen and I'm sorry for you and all those other people that have been involved.

Can I also welcome you to the forums.

I think you've said it when you say this about him 'just feeling free of all the shit', sure he may want to be a father but that's only pretence and what he has done is inexcusable.

It's OK if he goes out and has a few drinks with his mates but you're 5 months pregnant, it's exciting, imagining what's going to happen once the baby arrives, but now you need someone to enjoy and certainly love your life with.

Take care.

Geoff.

Billyc · ‎11-05-2019

Hi

I’m a male, and have used very similar excuses that your partner has..

firstly, welldone for sustaining the commitment you have so far, it’s not easy and your are being very generouse with him and your time..

the “eutopian” concept is that eventually he will change, one arguement that contradicts this belief is that he will never change as long as you enable him to keep doing what he is doing.

Theres no shame in seing a grown man cry, but sometimes it’s nit enough to show you he wants to be with you, can’t beleuve this is coming from me..

ive grown to beleive that a relationship only exists with an equal balance of power, so far from what I’ve read you have shown you want that to exist, and this where it gets complicated... you can only control the contralables.. same with him, it’s clear you want it to work.. maybe he doesn’t?

Hope this helps

Billyc · ‎11-05-2019

Hi Geoff,

can I mention this is a good thread. And can I also say that this forum is not about being judgemental.

Your words “inexcusable” are to that effect, I hate to pull you out on this because I enjoy a lot of what you say, I just wonder what you would share with her husband if he came into this forum?

these are thoughts with care,

best

geoff · ‎11-05-2019

Hi Billy, thanks for your comment and pleased you have asked me that question and no harm done, that would never happen so don't worry.

If someone was looking forward to becoming a dad with a spouse, a partner or perhaps a de facto, then you wouldn't expect any type of infidelity while she was pregnant.

If I had done this to my wife (ex) while she had two pregnancies she would have left me, and would probably not forgive me, so I hope this explains my comment.

Please get back to me and thanks for your concern.

Best wishes.

Geoff.