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Post Breakup Depression

elouisef23
Community Member

I've struggled with depression and anxiety since late childhood (I'm now 25) but had started to get a bit back on track this year and feeling stronger. A couple of weeks ago my long term boyfriend broke up with me and it's really thrown me. At the start I felt grief and cried a lot but now it's morphed into depression and in many ways is more difficult to deal with as I fear it never ending. I'm aware that he's just one person, I'll probably meet someone else and I have to keep living but knowing this doesn't relieve the depression. I now really struggle to get up in the mornings, don't want to go to uni or see anyone and struggle to see the light and the hope. I realise now I was way too reliant on him as my closest friend and connection as I'd just moved to a new city when we met and I do not have any other close friends here. I am fortunate to have family support but they have their own lives and I really miss having that close connection I had with my boyfriend. I know I need to meet new people but it's so difficult when I'm feeling so depressed and isolated and I fear I'll never experience the same connection again. Has anyone been through this and emerged the other side? 

6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi elouise,  a warm welcome here.

oh yes, I came out the other side after my marriage split in 1996. I was 40yo. Leaving my two young children 7 and 4 was the toughest and where the most pain was. A week prior I'd planned my self destruction then thought of my children and close family. Then one night I knew my marriage was over and in one swoop lost my - marriage, neighbours, full time fatherhood, my dog, my town etc....I thought the same as you- and never thought I'd survive long term. Added to this was my mental state that I knew was fragile but I didnt know I had depression, dysthymia and biploar 2. That diagnosis was 7 years further away.

So I ended up in a 3 metre long caravan in a caravan park. My daughters slept on the lowered dining table but as it was a cubby house environment they were happy. It was 3 months later that my best friend suggested I make an offer to my wife to take the garage as my part in the settlement and place it on a block of land where I'd build my own home. Guess what? I then had direction and the depression eased.

I'm not saying it is the answer for you but having a rudder in my life so I could steer it towards another life helped immensely.  Now 18 years later where am I?  I'm remarried to a wonderful lady that cares, my daughters have grown up one of which I am close to...she is a teacher and I'm so proud, I faced my illnesses and sought treatment and I'm stable as I can get and I realise more than ever why my first marriage didnt succeed.

I believe you will come through ok. You need to move on and try to find friends that will lead you to another beginning. It's tough, no doubt. But I do recall when half way through building my own home 18 months after separation that I was so busy I no longer reflected back on what could have been.

Being busy, hobbies, sports, new friends, new relationships, career, family projects etc.  I urge you not to force yourself too much. Deep depression needs to go through its cycle. We know this now. As soon as you feel a little better mentally then its time to be positive and put in place your plans.

People on this forum are warm and wonderful. We sometimes dont agree on all ideas but that gives us diversity. Dont be afraid to remain in touch because most of us have been there done that. We know how you feel.

Cyber hug

RoseBlue
Community Member

Hello Elouise. Well done for asking for help! There is always a solution 

I was due estates at the end of a brief but intense relationship. Not the 23 year marriage: because he never really loved me at all. But the subsequent relationship with the first man whom I felt did love me. I didn't think I could go on living, I KNEW I'd never find anyone else who would love me. It took a whole year before the depression lifted. Sadly, 4 years on I still haven't found a partner to share my life, but I realise it's. 50/50 either way. So hang in there, you really don't know what's around the corner, and it could just as well be something good.

 I'm so impressed that you have recognized your over dependence in your past relationship. That shows a capacity to grow from diversity. And if you can continue to analyze your motivations, hopefully you will make a better choice next time. 

Be strong, be brave. The best is yet to come. 

RoseBlue 

elouisef23
Community Member

Thankyou so much for taking the time to respond. It gives me hope that if you've come through it I can too. I was starting to get stronger, going to the gym and trying to get up and out of the house everyday. Anyway last night I was on Instagram and I noticed my former partner had reposted some sort of quote about how wonderful it is to be loved and love in return and there was a comment from a girl. I then clicked on her page and found a picture of them together at The Lion King musical which is where we were planning to go for our anniversary and something we were saving up for and always talked about ! I was so shocked and was up most of the night crying and in pain. I am still so in love with him and cannot think about being with anyone else and he is going to this special event with another woman who he's possibly in love with?? I feel so foolish as if the whole thing was nothing and he never truly loved me. Who knows if he was seeing this girl while we were still together? I don't want to know as it's too painful. This was my first real relationship and love and I thought he's be grieving like me. 

Oh Elouise, how sad for you. Life can be so cruel.

I felt the same when my partner made a point of appearing in places I couldn't avoid with his new girlfriend. And I used to do all manner of sneaking and spying to catch a glimpse of him, then break my heart over him when I saw him having a good life. Then my daughter gave me some very sage advice, which I would like to offer you: Stop driving past his house! In your case, unfriend him, block him, whatever you need to do, and stop checking on him. You are not helping yourself. Find the good people in your life who value you and let them nurture you while you heal.  

Be gentle with yourself. You're worth taking care of.

RoseBlue

Elouise,

It's so hard to let go.  I'm finding letting go of my youngest daughter (22yo) so hard but it must be done for peace of mind and to live my life as happy as I can. 8 years of emotional games and torment from her while at all times I was a dedicated dad in every way - enough is enough.

Same with you. And I've been where you are now.  Finding another partner really does help erase the hurt.

Stay safe, cradle yourself, love yourself and be yourself.

JJTangled
Community Member

Hi Elouise,

I'm a bit late in replying but hope you're in a happier place.  Re your comment about having no friends/social connections I highly recommend joining a social network group called Meetup.  There are hundreds of different groups under the banner and you just find one or more where people have similiar interests.  It's not a dating site and there is no cost to join Meetup.  Some activities have a fee of course and others are free - going to the beach etc.

I hope you're well.

x