Possible "Daddy Issues"

[guardedgirl01]

Hi everyone,

I've never done something like this but I love to quote on quote "trauma dump" sometimes, so, here we go!

I have noticed that I have issues with intimacy sometimes, as well as commitment. I will get close to someone who I have feelings for, and I know they have feelings for me, but for some reason I can not get closer in regards to having an actual relationship with this person. I shut myself off and ultimately end up hurting them and feeling very guilty about doing so afterwards. I find myself only searching for non-committal relationships in which I can have an emotional attachment to someone without the strings attached to a relationship. This has ultimately caused me to have low self-esteem and values towards myself, I find myself thinking very depressive and anxious thoughts most of the time. 

I recently got diagnosed with anxiety/depression and have started a daily medication as well as therapy sessions. This has been going well for me so far, and I feel as if I have started to get the help I need. 

My father cheated on my mother when I was 15 with our neighbour, who was also kind of like an influential mother figure in my life from the time I was born - we had lived in that street for 15 years of my life. He broke up with my mother and still continues to be in a relationship with the neighbour he cheated with. I have had periods of time in which I do not speak to my father because he can say some pretty hurtful things to me sometimes and I can not seem to get over the fact that he cheated on my mum with someone who I trusted as well. I do not speak to the neighbour anymore, even though apparently she wants a relationship with my sister and I - but has never reached out to us or been kind to us in public. 

I am just starting to think about my relationship with my father and how it could possibly be affecting my life in regards to trusting people I care about and seeking the healthy kinds of relationships I ultimately do want in the end. I am struggling with self-worth and opening myself up to new people, and how to get out of this stage of my life in which I am actively seeking out unhealthy relationships for myself. 

Thank you for listening to my TED talk, and any advice or messages would be greatly appreciated!

[Juliet_84]

Hi guarded girl,

I‘m sorry you experienced those things with your father during your formative years. I once read that “childhood issues manifest themselves as relationship  issues” although many of us don’t realise this and instead continually blame our partner for being triggered by them for unknown reasons. So good on you for realizing the effect that these events during your childhood have had on you and your difficulties with intimacy. I am  very similar to you in this respect and have a fearful-avoidant attachment style due to a volatile and inconsistent parent growing up so I have this desire for intimacy but the tendency to withdraw when people get too close. It is so unpleasant for me that I often call off relationships before they’ve started so I don’t have to go through those intensely unpleasant feelings. The only thing that I’ve found that helps is persistence, someone who is willing to be there even when I push them away, until I eventually become comfortable that they won’t leave and slowly let my guard down. It takes a lot of patience but once I’m committed that’s it for me. It may be worthwhile explaining this to a partner and articulating what you need from them and how you’re feeling?