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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Asics Family Christmas and the past
  • replies: 3

I am totally fed up with family sheit. I have a family history going back generations of violence in the home. I am the eldest of our three kids...and every time I get to have what I think is quality time with my sister she tells me yet another story... View more

I am totally fed up with family sheit. I have a family history going back generations of violence in the home. I am the eldest of our three kids...and every time I get to have what I think is quality time with my sister she tells me yet another story from our childhood where I was violent to her. I have no such memories. I have a mother who is cold and unemotive..except about how brilliant other people are. I have just got home...alone..and the conversations are overwhelming. I feel like the worst sister ever... I feel like a fraud of a mother and feel that I have totally wasted my professional life. I feel really very shit. I don't want to revisit the conversation with my sister...but I don't want to again be blindsided.. I feel unworthy of my kids... I feel worthless and that I ruined my sister's life... And it all started with me asking whether we had a fun childhood... I hate it.. I hate feeling this terrible... I have sat outside and bawled my eyes out.. I am 56 ...and want to be a better grandmother than what I am as a mother...but with this constant negative closet...that is not even mine...how can I get better... I am angry I am alone I am very unhappy...

white knight Family gatherings- continuous toxicity
  • replies: 3

What is a toxic family member? My interpretation is- a family member that regularly applies direct or indirect hurt verbally with the intention to gain an adverse reaction for their own benefit be it revenge, to gain popularity or monetary gain or ex... View more

What is a toxic family member? My interpretation is- a family member that regularly applies direct or indirect hurt verbally with the intention to gain an adverse reaction for their own benefit be it revenge, to gain popularity or monetary gain or expression of jealousy. We have all just had our xmas so there would be many members here that have not had a xmas they want to remember. Family gatherings I often say - is like Russian Roulette, taking a chance it will all go well without conflict. If you have a 50/50 chance of conflict at your xmas gathering based on past episodes, then why would you gamble again and again meeting up with toxic relatives? It isnt logical, are you living on hope? I have a friend that divides his xmas. My friend and wife visit his younger sister, BIL and kids on xmas eve, his elderly parents for xmas lunch and his adult daughter and husband on xmas dinner. All are estranged except for him and his wife. So, his wife and him are close to all of them. A couple of years ago he calmly told each group that they loved them all and wanted to be close and neutral with all of them and so talking about others wont be tolerated. On Boxing day he holds a gathering of all his friends. Carefully chosen friends that have no social issues with his family. He often suggests to me that that gathering is his best xmas of all as they are chosen whereas his family isnt, more like obligation. He has a point. We usually attend family xmas's because we are obligated. My family 40 years ago was similar in that I was often with service personnel on a mission so my "family" for xmas were other troops. There was never controversy but when my defence time ended there was always an argument at a family get together usually xmas. It seemed xmas wasnt complete for my mother unless it included a big uproar. I had the choice after many years and I ended up choosing to experience xmas without her on the basis of - that my xmas is under my control, I can risk it or guarantee to enjoy it. Every xmas since has been amazing including this one just gone. They say "you cant choose your family" I've proved otherwise. So think about it. Your stability of mental health and general happiness is paramount and is not worth the gamble Russian roulette gives. The odds aren't good enough. TonyWK

_Sky_ Feeling lost
  • replies: 5

My husband of 15 years told me Christmas day he wants to go overseas to work for 3 years with or without the kids and i. The kids and i dont speak the language only he does. Boxing day he told me he loves me but isnt in love with me and hasnt been fo... View more

My husband of 15 years told me Christmas day he wants to go overseas to work for 3 years with or without the kids and i. The kids and i dont speak the language only he does. Boxing day he told me he loves me but isnt in love with me and hasnt been for years. He says he wants to sew someone to be better and wants us to see someone. I didnt see this coming. He had been seemingly happy only complaining the normal amount about mundane things. Im hurt, angry, sad and lost. I don't know how to help him

Tata.M Lack of all intimacy in marriage
  • replies: 8

Hi , Am new in this forum and looking for an honest and safe space to ask and speak out. I have been married for 5 years, I got married very young to a man more than 10 years my senior. Our relationship was fine in the beginning but mostly because I ... View more

Hi , Am new in this forum and looking for an honest and safe space to ask and speak out. I have been married for 5 years, I got married very young to a man more than 10 years my senior. Our relationship was fine in the beginning but mostly because I had no voice. Having grown up more and started learning myself I started communicating my needs, wants and desire to push myself further ahead. This has been met with alot of resistance. My main 2 issues are lack of intimacy and lack of desire to move ahead. 1.Lack of intimacy From the beginning I knew I wanted a to be in a relationship where we were open to being intimate and friendly to each other however things have not been this way. I have had weird comments made when I asked to be intimate with my partner. I was the one who kept going after him for connecting or even to have a conversation. After 5 years I laid back to see if he could even try to put effort in reconnecting us, since I was exhausted of begging for attention and affection, unfortunately it's been 7 months and all I get is has the baby slept or eaten. We can stay in the house together and he will not say more that 10 words to me. It hurts so deeply. The sex is none existence. For one week I tried to dress in sexy clothes since we were both home but he never even noticed. This broke my heart. Having no family in Australia makes things even harder because I have no one to turn to. It's hard when you want to be intimate with your partner and have to beg and even then there is no passion. 2. Lack of motivation to move ahead. I believe in improving yourself however my partner says he doesn't want to be pushed or any pressure put on him. When I decided to switch jobs for a better work life balance and better pay he was so against it as he said I was taking unnecessary risks. Once I got the job he didn't even say congratulations. I have requested for us to have family projects and finances but he shuts me down. Am upset and frustrated. I sometimes have sleepless nights wondering what I did wrong. I just want to wake up from this but it's my life.

Lauz22 No faith in humanity
  • replies: 8

Hi everyone, I hate to say it but I can't help but to continuously lose faith in humanity. The older I've gotten the worse I have seen what people are capable of. It's both very frustrating but heart breaking. These are experiences I have are with fr... View more

Hi everyone, I hate to say it but I can't help but to continuously lose faith in humanity. The older I've gotten the worse I have seen what people are capable of. It's both very frustrating but heart breaking. These are experiences I have are with friends and family where their behaviours are truly not acceptable. I am not sure if it's just my misfortune of surroundings or does anyone else feel the same about their family and friends? I have a sister in law who blatantly refuses to allow us to visit her kids or makes an effort with my parents and I. She even went ahead with a christening without inviting myself and my parents and lied to about it. I have friends who simply just stop talking to me even while I needed them most when I was going through my divorce. I constantly feel like I am chasing my friends to like me or hang out with me and they never reciprocate. I know most people do not behave so selfishly and dysfunctionally, which is why when I see good from humans, I am so appreciative and grateful. But there are just so many people in my life who are truly not kind humans, ones with dark souls and who unfortunately will never change and I am wondering if this is just my personal experience or common amongst everyone else's family and friends dynamic.

Waterfall21 Not feeling the Christmas spirit and lonely during the holiday season
  • replies: 5

Hi all, I feel guilty for feeling this way, but does anyone else feel lonely during Christmas? I don’t have a huge family at all, I am an only child and only my mother is around. No extended family around either (Aunties, uncles etc). It’s even more ... View more

Hi all, I feel guilty for feeling this way, but does anyone else feel lonely during Christmas? I don’t have a huge family at all, I am an only child and only my mother is around. No extended family around either (Aunties, uncles etc). It’s even more difficult because I don’t get along with my mother very well and my only family are my friends, but they’re busy with their own lives. Nothing about Christmas is lifting my mood. Decorations, food, lights, gifts and evening saying “merry Christmas” doesn’t feel right. It’s just another day for me. I am also currently in a relatively new relationship and my partner is spending Christmas with his family, but I’m not joining. It’s too soon. It’s almost as if I’m envious of the tight knit family he has, as he’s close with them all. I just don’t know how to process this.

Bradd Husband lost on seapartion situation
  • replies: 17

Hi, I am going through tough separation with wife and have 3kids, we are living together separated under one roof. We live a hectic life both will full time high pressure jobs, running after 3 kids doing sports and doing major Renovations of the hous... View more

Hi, I am going through tough separation with wife and have 3kids, we are living together separated under one roof. We live a hectic life both will full time high pressure jobs, running after 3 kids doing sports and doing major Renovations of the house over the last 5 years, we stopped connecting as a couple and never did date nights of 1-1. I was streesed with work/renos ect. and felt alone & was unfaithful by getting some inappropriate massages a year and a half ago and suffered severe remorse(still do) and depression whilst we worked on our marriage. She started having coffee with work colleague for support 1 year ago (6 months after the infidelity) as I was not being emotionally supportive which I said was ok and she agreed I should focus on getting myself better & mentally stronger first, then work on the rebuild. So I did & 6 months later I found evidence they had fellings for each other. I told her many times over the 6months i was worried each time & get streesed & anxious. We had a blowup when i found out & she said they acknowledged their feelings & agreed to stop communication for a 4 month period. He is also married with 2kids. Over last 4 months I caught them texting/calls and at coffee multiple times, still says just good friends and he loves his wife and is working on making it work, she even said he has said his wife is perfect in all areas except one (didnt say what that is?). I just caught her again catching up with him, she still denies. I can’t handle this & cannot understand why she will not admit he is in love with her, when he text her theese words”I miss your smile and staring into your beautiful eyes”. I cant stop thinking I should have approached him when I saw them at coffee the other day and asked if he is aware that he has destroyed any opportunity for me to repair my relationship, while he was connecting with her and that he has destroyed my life and imp[acted my kids life which will now be without a family home. I did not approach him in case it caused a scene in front of my wife. I feel I will never move on unless I let him know my position and find out if he is in love with her and persuing a long term relationship. I can just see this being a major thing I will always regret not doing if I dont. Please someone advise if you agree or advice on how to do it. I know my wife wont like the facyt I have contacted him but I feel I have to.. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks Bradd

Speckonaclover Tired of caring anymore
  • replies: 13

I'm finding it hard to express what's going on in my head, I know what's there, but actually communicating it is a sense of failure, that there must be something wrong with me. I'm a father to 2 kids and husband to my wife. I don't feel I fit into my... View more

I'm finding it hard to express what's going on in my head, I know what's there, but actually communicating it is a sense of failure, that there must be something wrong with me. I'm a father to 2 kids and husband to my wife. I don't feel I fit into my family anymore. To cut it short, I'm tired of caring. More and more days go by where I have more internal rage, and more thoughts of "I just don't give a F anymore". And I never thought I'd be experiencing days of loneliness or coming home to a family that just expects me to do stuff. I feel like I'm on a road to an eventual end, that will end much sooner than it should, and frankly I don't care. I feel so lost

Guest_6063 I fear I can't continue to hang out with my friend group without seeing my ex who makes me feel nauseous whenever I see her. What should I do?
  • replies: 3

My closest friend/now ex-girlfriend and I broke up a few months ago. We had a bad breakup where she suddenly blocked all communication with me which had hurt me terribly. In response, after an apology from me (I realized I had been too pushy) and a f... View more

My closest friend/now ex-girlfriend and I broke up a few months ago. We had a bad breakup where she suddenly blocked all communication with me which had hurt me terribly. In response, after an apology from me (I realized I had been too pushy) and a few hurtful remarks from her, I tried to do all I could to avoid seeing her. This went rather successfully as I managed to spend 2 months with minimal contact and was finally starting to get over the breakup. During this period I was heavily aided by some of our mutual friends who helped us both get through the event. This all leads to yesterday where my friend group invited me to join them for a Christmas get-together. While I knew my ex was also going to be present, I felt that enough time had passed that I wouldn't be too hurt seeing her, however, during the whole event, I felt terribly nauseous whenever she was around me and eventually vomited when I made it back home. I'd rather not leave my friend group as they have continued to help me through this and I believe they are true friends. However, although I like to think I no longer hold any animosity to my ex, I fear it will be hard to continue staying with the group as long as seeing her continues to make me physically ill. What should I do? Further context: To answer some possible questions. It should first be said that I am in no way asking my friend group to pick a side, nor have they chosen to specifically side with either of us. What I am asking is if I should separate from my good friends due to my ex making me feel sick, or if I should continue to stay in the group. Furthermore, the reason this question is so black and white between 2 choices is that for the following year, seeing the friend group will be unavoidable as some of us share classes and we all hang out together during breaks. I know I cannot stay with them without inevitably seeing my ex and feeling sick again as a result. (I'm aware changing my school is an option, hence why I'm asking if I should leave the group or not.) Finally, I am aware of my own fault in this whole situation, I was trying to push her into a more serious and romantic relationship, while she wanted to keep the relationship more casual. As previously noted, I later apologized for it, hoping that we could forget each other's past mistakes and stay friends, which was met with a negative response, leading me to separate myself from her for the following 2 months.

WaterFront Elephant in the room
  • replies: 3

Hi All, Is it just me or is there an elephant in the room? I think it must be just me. Surely not. I'm finding the whole Christmas situation is making me feel very anxious - absent friends - Well, one absent friend/FWB in particular. This will be for... View more

Hi All, Is it just me or is there an elephant in the room? I think it must be just me. Surely not. I'm finding the whole Christmas situation is making me feel very anxious - absent friends - Well, one absent friend/FWB in particular. This will be for the second year now after 20 years spending Christmas day together. I have all of my family there for which I am very grateful (except my Dad who passed away 7 years ago). Last year not one person mentioned this absent friend for the entire day and I think they did that to protect me from my feelings. I'm dreading Christmas Day because even the mention of her name makes me feel a bit panicked. I keep telling myself that I need to be stronger and a 'grown up' about it. I want to enjoy the day and enjoy my family and I make a conscious effort to live in the now. I worry about what might be said or mentioned as this seems to break down my veneer very quickly. Any tips to avoid this? I think I'm maybe being too sensitive. I know other people are going through much worse than this from reading the posts on BB and feel my problem is fairly insignificant in relation to what others are dealing with. But there it is. I wonder if anyone has any thoughts on the subject or some kind words/advice to offer that I can take on board. Just writing it down helps. Thank you BB community. WF