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Feeling lost

_Sky_
Community Member
My husband of 15 years told me Christmas day he wants to go overseas to work for 3 years with or without the kids and i. The kids and i dont speak the language only he does. Boxing day he told me he loves me but isnt in love with me and hasnt been for years. He says he wants to sew someone to be better and wants us to see someone. I didnt see this coming. He had been seemingly happy only complaining the normal amount about mundane things. Im hurt, angry, sad and lost. I don't know how to help him
5 Replies 5

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello *Sky*,

Welcome to the forum. There is a lot going on for you, & you sound overwhelmed , finding it hard to take it all in. It does seem you & your husband do need to do a lot of talking. If he's thinking of you & he seeing a counsellor or therapist together, I think that could be a good idea. Often it is useful to have someone to guide & facilitate conversations you & your husband need to have.

I'm not sure about whether your kids could or should be involved in any sort of family counselling. I suppose it would depend on their ages. I wouldn't think they ought to be left out entirely. But the kids must not be expected to take sides.

The work your husband wants to undertake may well be wonderful, I don't know. But moving to a place where you & the children don't know the language is an awfully big ask. What does he think the change would mean for you & the children? If these kids are school-age, how does the move effect their schooling? What would his not taking the work mean for him? & I'm sure you have many more questions. A move overseas would be very disrruptive, & I wonder if your husband has considered that.

I admit I feel out of my depth. I've never had to face such important matters as what you are having to face.I'm sorry he's brought up his wanting to take the work with or without you & your kids, his feelings for you not being as they once were, all at once, like this. The one aspect I think may be the most helpful,is the idea he has for you both to see someone. Since he's open to that, it seems he's willing to talk & try to work something out with you.

Again, welcome, & feel free to talk some more.

mmMekitty

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Dear *sky*,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums...

Im so sorry this is happening to you and your children, it’s a very hard decision to make, Your husband is giving you a choice yet you are concerned about and want to help your husband...

Maybe couples counselling might help, or maybe it won’t, it’s something that you both..once, if you decide to do it, you both would, I think have to be prepared to be fully open and honest with each other about your thoughts, feeling emotions etc....to your selected counsellor..

A move overseas would be so very difficult for you and your children...I’m just thinking now, that maybe once you learn the language spoken their, you might enjoy it and your children will learn a bit about another culture...

It is a very hard choice to make for you and your children...Is where he wants to work, his country of birth, or is it just a randomly chosen country?..

I haven’t had lived experience in what you are struggling to manage with, but just wanted to let you know that we are here and I do hope someone will pop in and talk about their lived experience...

Please lovely *Sky*, talk here when you’re feeling up it..l

My kindest and caring thoughts..

Grandy..

_Sky_
Community Member
The kids are all school age. I could see it would be wonderful for them but the timing is very poor in regards to their schooling not to mention the farm i own. I cant just up and leave all my animals.

_Sky_
Community Member
The thing is he didnt really offer a choice he wants to go with or without us. He hasnt considered our life here my farm or the kids. He learnt the language in highschool he has no connections there other than his job. The choice he offered me was to work on our relationship or leave. And thats not really a fair choice. I am still very much in love with him and it hurts to know for years he didn't feel the same and did nothing but treat the kids and i with contempt for every little thing. Him yelling was such a normal part to my day and he had for the last 8 months been good and not yelling. We were talking and i thought it was getting better before he pulled the rug from under me

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Dear *sky*..

Maybe...if you can’t decide on what’s best for you and your children, if possible then maybe if you join him on a latter date...Maybe 3 months or so..you could say to him that at least if he doesn’t settle in there or his job does work out, then at least her has somewhere to go back to....In the mean time it gives you more time to consider how a huge move like the one he wants is for you and your children..,

Right now, in his eyes, he is probably thinking a new country, new job will equal his happiness....without him really considering the consequences if things go wrong....

He has given you a really hard choice, in very little time....no that’s not really fair at all....In the end it’s only you that can decide what YOU want to do....It’s not only about him...which he seems to be doing right now....

Hopefully it never happens, but just say, you uprooted yourself and your children....move overseas with him and your relationship starts to struggle again....You are first off in a strange country, unusable to speak their language, not knowing their countries laws etc...and knowing no one except your husband and children....Will you be able to get back to Australia and have a place to come home too?..or will you be trapped?...

I wish I had the answer for you dear Sky...I do want to add that..you are important, your beautiful children are important and the decision you make has to be made so that you and your children can be happy, feel safe and not have any regrets.....

Please lovely Star, take your time to decide, if your husband hasn’t got the love or patience to wait for your decision then you can join him at a later date...if that’s what your heart says..

Talk here anytime, we are here for you lovely lady..

Grandy...