Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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user981 Was I ever loved?
  • replies: 4

A girl basically attached herself to me an we were really close and she said she loved me and stuff and I was important to her etc then things went downhill and fell apart and as weeks went by she'd get worse mentally and affect our relationship even... View more

A girl basically attached herself to me an we were really close and she said she loved me and stuff and I was important to her etc then things went downhill and fell apart and as weeks went by she'd get worse mentally and affect our relationship even more. She has depression and anxiety and it's possible she may have a personality disorder. She always seems to change personalities it's like there's a bad and a good in her. Did she really just use me and fake everything or was what I once saw in her genuinely her being a respectful and nice person she is? Is it just her mental illness that's making her a bad person to me? Is behind that mental illness a genuine nice girl similar to the girl I used to know before things went downhill? Or was everything just all fake I'm confused.

Leesi Fear of abandonment
  • replies: 3

Hey everyone I have been told by a psychologist I have traits of BPD. It does make sense as I have been unable to have a stable romantic relationship since I broke up with my boyfriend 6 years ago. I had one relationship since I broke up with him but... View more

Hey everyone I have been told by a psychologist I have traits of BPD. It does make sense as I have been unable to have a stable romantic relationship since I broke up with my boyfriend 6 years ago. I had one relationship since I broke up with him but it was a disaster. I have dated since my last relationship ended however my fear of rejection and abandonment takes over and I believe I sabotage any potential relationship. Does anywhere else out there do this to prevent themselves from experiencing further heartbreak? I truly hope I am not the only person who does this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Fth_arsha Feeling helpless
  • replies: 2

Hi, so my husband and I were planning to get divorce. Simply because I don’t work and have any income. We’re having a 4 months old baby. He said he’s not ready to have kid and asked me to do an abortion at 24 weeks. Which is crazy but I didn’t do it ... View more

Hi, so my husband and I were planning to get divorce. Simply because I don’t work and have any income. We’re having a 4 months old baby. He said he’s not ready to have kid and asked me to do an abortion at 24 weeks. Which is crazy but I didn’t do it and as a result he wants me to take care of the child alone. From feeding him, to bath him and I have to find jobs and babysitter all alone. I’m even doing all the house chores alone. All he does is go to work, get back home, get paid and call me lazy. Simply because I didn’t earn any money from doing all the house chores. I’m emotionally unstable right now because he keeps blaming me for everything. Literally everything. When he loses money on gambling, he blames me. When his money getting low because he kept spending it on shoes, shirts and whatsoever, he blames me. When I told him to save up for future he simply tells me that it was his money so he can do whatever the hell he wants. He even get physical towards me when arguing about me finding a job. I’ve been sending resume, rang a child care centre and still he have the audacity to call me lazy and not putting an effort. He doesn’t have the balls to bear his own responsibility and now he’s calling me the “lazy” one. He’s not ready to have kid but too lazy to wear a condom and rely too much on that one mini pill. I’m a first time mum and I don’t have any support system to help me with taking care of my baby. I felt like I want to give up. Every single day. I felt like doing self harm because that’s the only way I can cope with all this things going on right now.

JaneC76 What would you do?
  • replies: 3

I have a friend who has a chronic mental illness. Multiple psych admissions, unable to work for 10 years. She has this amazing husband but their 13 year old son claims they are in a domestic violence situation. He claims that when my friend is not lo... View more

I have a friend who has a chronic mental illness. Multiple psych admissions, unable to work for 10 years. She has this amazing husband but their 13 year old son claims they are in a domestic violence situation. He claims that when my friend is not looking her husband/father physically abuses him. My friend has never seen evidence of this. But she’s torn. She wants to believe her son but also knows any mention of it - with her mental illness- risks foster care. I have my own mental illness & my own family to deal with & I feel overwhelmed my how I can help her?

Guest_7535 Anxious About Intercourse
  • replies: 3

About 20 years ago I had a accident that left me with altered sensations during sex, when I spoke to my GP about it, it was dismissed as a good thing I could last longer, I felt emasculated, but got on with it and found ways to cope. Foreplay was imp... View more

About 20 years ago I had a accident that left me with altered sensations during sex, when I spoke to my GP about it, it was dismissed as a good thing I could last longer, I felt emasculated, but got on with it and found ways to cope. Foreplay was important as I've aged my libido has decreased my fear of pain has paralysed me sexually. I have used soft porn to help build up my ability but this doesn't work anymore. So basically I haven't had sex in 3 years.... this has hung heavy with my wife, I snuggle her in bed and even try to get intimate but I just cant... I love hugging her and being close, but she constantly questions my devotion and looks for signs I am unfaithful. Yesterday she found an intimate video on my laptop and has told me she doesn't want anything to do with me any more...I am totally devoted to her... and now I feel I have little left to live for. I am emasculated in pain unable to get a job and unable to make my wife happy... Last night I felt I needed to suicide....didn't want to but had to... I have sort help one response was a joke the other was you have a duty as a husband... I just don't know how to get the help I need. I need to overcome the fear of pain and the fear of disappointing my wife during sex.

Nelsum New daughter in law accuses me of having favourite grandchild
  • replies: 3

I am posting as i feel so alone, dumped and heart broken. My son married 3 weeks ago, my new daughter in law I have known over ten years with some ups and downs. Over the years i have provided financial assistance and help with the grandkids. Recentl... View more

I am posting as i feel so alone, dumped and heart broken. My son married 3 weeks ago, my new daughter in law I have known over ten years with some ups and downs. Over the years i have provided financial assistance and help with the grandkids. Recently the accusation of favourtism has surfaced from her, i will admit i have a stronger bond with one than the other. My son can see my side but probably feels obligated to back his wife. I am heart broken and scared i kniw im going into some type if depression and am scared this is a ploy to disconnect me from my son and the children. So lost.

B1B2 Pre teen triggering my own mental health issues
  • replies: 1

Having trouble with my pre teen at the moment. I have PMDD and have found the last 6 months to be the worst time in my life. My child has anxiety, is struggling to settle into high school - not making friends at all, is obsessed with gaming and we ar... View more

Having trouble with my pre teen at the moment. I have PMDD and have found the last 6 months to be the worst time in my life. My child has anxiety, is struggling to settle into high school - not making friends at all, is obsessed with gaming and we are investigating some learning difficulties at the moment. I am being used as a safe place for them to detonate and am often a verbal punching bag and I don’t think i can cope anymore. We have no support nearby to give us a break. Both my partner and I are at our whits end. We have psych, paediatrician and teachers on board but this feels like quicksand.. anyone else in similar position with any words of wisdom. It has really triggered me and I feel like I’m on a downhill slope with no way of stopping

Guest_7403 Don't want to see my children
  • replies: 9

Hey all, Long time forum user and poster here. Have PTSD from work and chronic fear of abandonment linked to it. My daughters are 9 and 5. Partner left Jan 2016 when my PTSD began...she came here from Scotland in 2009. When she left my daughters were... View more

Hey all, Long time forum user and poster here. Have PTSD from work and chronic fear of abandonment linked to it. My daughters are 9 and 5. Partner left Jan 2016 when my PTSD began...she came here from Scotland in 2009. When she left my daughters were 3yo and 3months... She asked to take them home to Scotland for 6 weeks just after leaving to see her family....said no problems no issue with that. When she came home, she asked if I'd allow her to move back to the UK to be with her family and raise the girls there. I was very sad, and unwell at the time...undiagnosed ptsd no treatment. I wasn't in a good headspace and said okay...I didn't want her to be alone here and unhappy. I guess I completely shut down and closed off....knowing I wouldn't be apart of my girls lives, stopped seeing them and conversing with their mother. As life happens, the exs plans changed and 6 months later decided not to go, and to make a life here. But something in me changed, I never rebonded with the girls...no matter how hard I tried or try....I've been in and out of their lives 5 years now...had them living with me 50/50 for all of 2019...but stopped that. I won't let them in my inner circle anymore, can't emotionally be with them. I try to force myself to see them...but the anxiety is crippling, it's very stressful....so I cancel last minute....or if I do have them or go to their mums to see them I feel uncomfortable and I can't wait to get out of there. They want to see me, I have an amazing relationship with their mum you could say we're friends and better now then when we were together. Communicate daily with their mum, not necessarily about the girls...just general chats.. Shes very supportive of me in general and makes the girls available to me anytime I want and encourages it. I love them, but won't let them get close to me. The FOA is so strong, it affects them, any partner i have, family and friends. I push them all away, and the harder they try to pull me back in the harder I push back. No psychologist has been able to help me...countless over the last few years. I don't know what to do. It affects me and it affects those beautiful girls...I question whether I should completely remove myself for their lives. My ex has a lovely partner, who is 10x the dad I could ever be...I am so grateful my girls have him as a role model...and that he treats my ex lovely. Thanks for reading

lantern22 My husband still wishes me Happy Anniversary after divorce 2018
  • replies: 8

I loved my husband immensely. Married for 20 years. He was my best friend. We went through a lot together, long - term infertility, losing our baby, health issues(me), losing his brother from balcony fall, losing his father(after nursing home fire) m... View more

I loved my husband immensely. Married for 20 years. He was my best friend. We went through a lot together, long - term infertility, losing our baby, health issues(me), losing his brother from balcony fall, losing his father(after nursing home fire) me taking care of mother with dementia, his siblings going to jail for serious crimes. He abandoned me, after my mother died. It came from no-where, and, looking back, it was clearly planned. He told me to go and get the washing from clothesline, while we were enjoying a lovely cup of coffee and Easter Chocolate cake. When I came back inside the house, he was gone! No note, nothing!All within five minutes. Long story - short, he was planning a trip overseas to meet a woman, he didn't really know; a woman who didn't speak a word of English. His life just spiralled out of control and he made it clear that he hated all of our life together. I was so shocked - all this coming from a man who would text me everyday to say how much he loved me and how he needed me in his life. I had supported him through some of the most painful times of his life - esp, death of brother and father. Ever since he has left me, he still sends me emails on our Wedding Anniversary and wishes me "US" a "happy Anniversary' i had heard he had married(I have never asked him, nor do I engage in conversation via email with him). I am always apprehensive, incase he fabricates some story about me to the police. I don't trust his behaviour. The other week would have been our 23rd Anniversary and I received an email wishing 'us' a happy anniversary with an apology about him leaving me and not doing things possibly the right way. I replied, telling him I had worked through forgiveness years ago and we did face a lot of grief together. In the email, he went on to tell me that he is dieting and lost significant amount of weight(he wasn't overweight) and how he doesn't eat for 20 hours and exercises in the dark in a park at 6.00am. I am sure he isn't mentally well. I am getting on with my life;, I guess I still do care about him in some way, but can't understand why he wants to keep this connection when he made it clear that he hated his whole life with me. Can anyone shed some light on this?