Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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MissJ94 Red flags
  • replies: 2

Im so cautious when it comes to dating. Ive been hurt too many times in previous relationships to easily trust anyone again. Ive heard too many stories of people not being cautious enough, getting married, putting all their faith in someone else, hav... View more

Im so cautious when it comes to dating. Ive been hurt too many times in previous relationships to easily trust anyone again. Ive heard too many stories of people not being cautious enough, getting married, putting all their faith in someone else, have their kids with this person and then everything goes down south and they end up in a messy breakup and fighting over the kids. As a mum of one, that terrifies me. I feel lucky that my sons father isnt in our lives because i know for sure it would majorly negatively affect my mental health if his father was battling to take my son. Ive been talking to this guy for a while now who i met on a dating app. Not the best way to meet someone but im either too busy to go out anywhere or too isolated to go out with non existing friends. He always seems so nice and open and accepting which has been great, i havent had anyone stick around this long before without actually meeting in real life. I keep putting off meeting due to my own insecurities(i really feel like i need someone who will try their hardest to meet and to help bring me out of my shell, that prooves them selves that i can put trust in someone). A recent message from this guy though it indicated hes in talks with other women too though. This guy has known for ages the suburb where i live and today it just seemed he has mixed up who he was talking to and saying that my own suburb where i had to do something was a bit of a trek compared to somewhere i need to go next week. It just crushed me a little because this is the only guy im talking to while it seems that im not the only one hes talking to. We did have a discussion about where we stand and both are looking to forward things but now im very hesitant. Like my walls have sprung back up more solid than ever. Am i over reacting? I just wish this was easier!

Marley2021 Trust, Vulnerability and loving again
  • replies: 3

I separated from my wife of 9 years last year - a result of living too long in different countries and infidelity. Her infidelity came to light accidentally when I came across an explicit record of texts between herself and another married man – whic... View more

I separated from my wife of 9 years last year - a result of living too long in different countries and infidelity. Her infidelity came to light accidentally when I came across an explicit record of texts between herself and another married man – which detailed when they met, their intentions, pictures shared, subsequent arrangements to meet-up, the encounter(s) and the small talk that followed. I confronted my wife in disbelief and despite the irrefutable evidence, she concealed/denied/minimised/lied about what happened. Subsequent conversations revealed the truth but it required me to meticulously isolate parts of the text conversation, infer meaning and ask for explaination. 48 hours later I asked her to leave and I have not seen her since. Recently, I met a new romantic interest (call her lady X). I was not looking for a relationship – we just enjoy each others company and are connecting on a deeper level. From very early on a very ugly tendency of jealous and insecurity plagued me and deeply affected my psyche. Certain thoughts are dominating my mind: Racing assumptions whenever she mentions any other male “friend” in her life, if she is out partying I assumed she's seeing someone else, questioning her history with other men etc. Worst of all, I feel anger & sadness when my mind conjures up a (baseless) idea of how she might be being deceiving me or that she will one day, inevitably discard me for someone else or a previous flame . Lady X's response when I explain my feeling is generally that “almost everyone has experienced pain and heartache in love, it’s just your choice as to whether you carry that burden with you”. She is right of course, but the insecurity episodes are becoming more frequent. Every flare up of insecurity I experience makes me act judgmental and unpleasant. I fear it will eventually push her away and serve to validate my insecurities. I am not finding any means of self-improvement. I tried self-affirmation, I have asked her to verbalise her feelings toward me as a means of validation, I have tried simply blocking out my thoughts, explaining my thoughts to her etc. I have low self-esteem in romantic relationships (a legacy thing from being a fat kid) and difficulties showing vulnerability. I am working on being more open with my struggles with others I trust but it seems too early to start lumping up lady X with my deep personal issues, so I continue to struggle to balance being vulnerable with being capable and self-sufficient

Undecided_Dad 20 year relationship with issues. Do I walk away and start again?
  • replies: 6

Hi I'm new here. Recently my wife and I have had some issues. Some previous history my wife has had several affairs that I know of. The last one ended my career and several friendships. I suffer from PTSD anxiety and depression and have tried all kin... View more

Hi I'm new here. Recently my wife and I have had some issues. Some previous history my wife has had several affairs that I know of. The last one ended my career and several friendships. I suffer from PTSD anxiety and depression and have tried all kinds of medications, therapies etc. Some of this was caused by occupational stress but the affairs are 99% the main issue. Things were going ok for a few years but my intuition told me something was not quite right a couple of years ago. I became very suspicious and started to join the dots. I have used alcohol at night for along time to basically drink myself to sleep. My wife assured me nothing was happening it was just my anxiety playing up and i needed more therapy and medication. I believed her and had more therapy and gave more trust than I was comfortable with. It so happens I was right from the start and it really knocked my mental health for 6. We argued I became very suicidal at the time but eventually things settled down. Less than a year later she was back communicating with the same guy she agreed to have no contact with. I had enough and asked her to pack her bags and leave. And she did. After a short time my mental health was much better. I was living in the family home with our 2 kids and my wife was living on her own. After 3 months or so I asked her to move back in and to see if we could make it work and it did for a while. With the recent fires happening and some extra stress (trust issues) with the relationship I wasnt doing so well. I tried to express this to my wife but she kept playing the "im controlling card" anyway we had an argument watching tv in bed i got upset left the room went to the other end of the house kicked a backpack and a foot stool and left the house. Now I have an interim intervention order. I was upset, frustrated, distressed but i would not say i was angry. I am not a violent person. I get very upset and my safety is a big issue but never anyone elses. I am allowed to live at home but no drinking or domestic violence are the conditions. If I break this I will loose my current job and new careers im working towards the risk is to high. I have to move out but my wife is the bread winner and I cant afford too and i think the kids will come with me. My wife even said to me she had to move out last time and now I have to!?????????????????

OWO2468 How to manage a partner who consistently blames
  • replies: 10

My partner of over 12 years has quite severe mental illness. In his early 20's he was diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety and Bipolar. (Now in his 40's) In my experience, I don't feel that he suffers from Bipolar disorder, but possibly BPD. We have 2 ... View more

My partner of over 12 years has quite severe mental illness. In his early 20's he was diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety and Bipolar. (Now in his 40's) In my experience, I don't feel that he suffers from Bipolar disorder, but possibly BPD. We have 2 kids together. The reason for my post is due to the consistent theme throughout our relationship, being blame and lack of personal accountability. He has very intense emotions that can last hours at a time (when things don't go the way he thinks they should) and he doesn't manage these emotions effectively. He has a very hard time empathising with anyone else's perspective/feelings and in turn, he blames. Huge long story that I couldn't possibly fit in a post, but to bring it to the present day, I keep getting blamed for his unhappiness, his struggling relationship with the kids and also our relationship problems. He feels lonely and his self esteem is very low. He keeps pushing me further away by blaming me, yelling at me and trying to solve problems using anger to get his message across (he says he does this because if he asks nicely, nothing changes, even though in reality that is not the case) I have been reading and trying to learn how to respond to his intense emotions, using empathy and understanding, to set boundaries for myself by letting him know that I feel that he is blaming me and it hurts my feelings, that I understand why he feels a certain way. He automatically gets angrier and insists he is not blaming me and I'm just trying to blame him and make everything all his fault. But when he says "if you just stayed out later that wouldn't have happened, if you'd just went to bed instead of getting in the way, I would have more time with ....., if you'd just send the kids to bed earlier, we wouldn't have these problems, if you'd just do this, this wouldn't happen. It is clear blame and his way of trying to understand why things are the way they are. He tends to come around eventually and apologise. I want to work on breaking this cycle, but don't know how best to respond. So much more to the situation, but I'm hoping to hear some suggestions on the best way to respond to this consistent blame. He also blames the kids when they don't behave in a way he would like or they don't want to do/enjoy what he wants them to and it greatly affects their self esteem. I want to better learn how to respond in a calm effective way. FYI He sees a psych and I'm waiting for my appointment. Seen them in the past also.

MO2TG How to stop thinking about Ex and new partner
  • replies: 4

Hi We had aLong marriage He went through a crisis...identity, hated his life, traumatic event with our child. He changed into a person that emotionally and physically withdrew. He left after months of being emotionally and verbally abusive. Heavy dri... View more

Hi We had aLong marriage He went through a crisis...identity, hated his life, traumatic event with our child. He changed into a person that emotionally and physically withdrew. He left after months of being emotionally and verbally abusive. Heavy drinking. I was blidsided by the whole thing. Family man to hating his life. I thought it was work stress . He left. The issue i have is he kept coming back. Stringing me along. Making me think we had a future again. Then he would always leave suddenly. 6 weeks a week a few days. He moved away an hour we were never allowed to know his address. Kids asked, never told. Never invited. He talked about his most recent sharing arrangements...land lady back last July. He came home twice in this time. I always asked if something was going on. He denied it. He talked about and her sons. Always doing stuff for them fixing stuff . Being mates with her grown sons. Still allowed to know where they lived. Its only now that I I gave up our relationship in late Jan when he left us on holidays after 2 days that I found out from others that he has been introducing her to family. I called him on it and he said it was only new, however this had been heading to relationship mode for awhile as they went out, hung out shared their life stories I can see how easily and naturally it happened for them. I feel betrayed and led on.I'm angry wounded and stuck. They are doing the stuff we planned He has a brand new life, does not help other than flits in and out for 2 teenage girls, and some financial support. He confirmed relationship by text when pressured. Even sent his daughters text. How am I supposed to get past this. It opened old wounds ones that were healing. I thought we were in a good place as exes, but now realise there was no honest communication. Im trying not to be bitter. Advice appreciated

PeteyBoPetey Why Does My Father Sabotage Me?
  • replies: 3

Hi Guys, Most of my life I've worked at least 60 hours or more per week and with the money I made I purchased Investment properties. By the time I was 35 I had properties worth $1.2 million with a $200,000 mortgage. I was about to inherit $200,000 fr... View more

Hi Guys, Most of my life I've worked at least 60 hours or more per week and with the money I made I purchased Investment properties. By the time I was 35 I had properties worth $1.2 million with a $200,000 mortgage. I was about to inherit $200,000 from my father. I told him I planned to use it to discharge my mortgage, then approach the bank to borrow another $1 million to buy a house in Sydney and use the rental income from the investment properties to service the mortgage on the Sydney property. My father laughs at me "Hahaha you think you're a capitalist". He withheld the $200,000 and my wife was mad that we hadn't moved to Sydney, so she left me. When my wife left, she took out an ADVO which cost me my firearms licence which I need for work. I had no cash, and no income. I wanted to go to court and get my firearms licence back. Instead of helping me, he did everything he could to stop me getting my firearms licence back. I borrowed money, went to court and won. Having to deal with this was hard enough without my father handicapping me. Whilst this was going on, I had to represent myself in family court because I had no income. My father gave each of his daughters $200,000 that they wasted on holidays and new cars. He could have helped pay for a family lawyer, but refused to. "Your gonna lose a house". It was like he wanted me to lose in family court, and I did; big time. "I told you you'd lose a house" It's like he's constantly wishing the worst for me and doing what he can to destroy me. It's bad enough that I have to cope with the dissolution of my marriage, losing $700,000 of the $1 million I accrued over 28 years to a 4 years marriage, the loss of a career, I now have to cope and try to understand my father refuses to support me and worst, feels the need to sabotage me. Why does he do it?. He gives money hand over fist to other members of the family. I plan to use any future inheritance to buy land that has future subdivision potential for my retirement and live on it with a relocatable home. He's just told me that I can't manage money and he's going to put it into a trust fund for my kids. This is just another move to keep me in poverty. I'm going to be 65 and substantially poorer than other family members even though I've worked three times harder and invested wisely.

Chica56 Alcoholic partner verbally and emotionally abusive
  • replies: 4

I’ve been with my partner for 22 years and he’s been a high functioning alcoholic for around 12 years. He has drinking binges but continues to work in a high profile job although he’s now slowed down a lot. The last few years have been hell with him ... View more

I’ve been with my partner for 22 years and he’s been a high functioning alcoholic for around 12 years. He has drinking binges but continues to work in a high profile job although he’s now slowed down a lot. The last few years have been hell with him saying he’s going to quit, having a few months and now only days of sobriety and then sabotaging everything with his verbal and mental abuse. We have now kids but he has 3 still very dependant on his income and living arrangements and work. The most recent fallout is particularly nasty with him sending such nasty, vile messages to me repeatedly and won’t actually talk to me. He escapes to his place where his adult kids live and drinks and blames me for everything. When he’s with me he’s pretty good and doesn’t drink. We have a fun and loving relationship usually until he goes up there and it all goes down hill. I’ll usually wake up to a nasty message that escalates over days until he apologises, says he’ll get help or go to AA but never does. We used to have a great social life and had lots of great parties but now no one visits. It’s hard to make plans because of these fights. I usually end up going places on my own. I’m trying to sell our house which has been difficult because it’s all up to me with no help from him. When we get close to a sale he’ll work really hard to win me over and I stupidly give in because I love him and want the man I fell in love with to come back. He convinces me he’ll help but never does. But when is enough enough? Any advice would be really helpful. Thanks in advance

cjmc new to estranged...
  • replies: 5

Hi, Im new to being outed and I've just joined BB to look for help and support from others. My daughter had her first baby 4 months ago and it's my second visit. She was uncomfortable around me when I arrived which was confusing, then I received the ... View more

Hi, Im new to being outed and I've just joined BB to look for help and support from others. My daughter had her first baby 4 months ago and it's my second visit. She was uncomfortable around me when I arrived which was confusing, then I received the message days later that broke me. A verbal attack and she is going no contact with me. She is 34 and I am 59. I am grateful that my son is good with me but this rocks a family. I have already almost freed myself from a narcissist mother who damaged this family and now I feel like I'm in the middle of total unrest. I will go back to qld earlier with the feeling that I won't be back to Vic for a long time, hence not seeing my first granddaughter. Sometimes I wish there was a rule book for life. thanks

Mr__Irrational Lost my morals
  • replies: 11

I was raised in a "normal family". Parents married and sibling Was raised to respect wemon, never cheat, be a family man, honour wedding vows...and never leave. My last 2 relationships (8yrs and 3yrs) and 3 children failed. I was quite unwell with PT... View more

I was raised in a "normal family". Parents married and sibling Was raised to respect wemon, never cheat, be a family man, honour wedding vows...and never leave. My last 2 relationships (8yrs and 3yrs) and 3 children failed. I was quite unwell with PTSD and untreated for a long time. My wife leaving early last year really broke me, I was always faithful and loved her, only had eyes for her. But something has changed in me, now that I realise those values and morals I was raised with don't mean anything, wedding vows and commitment don't mean anything....I have completely changed as a person. I didn't date or see anyone for 7 months after she left...but now I have dated so many wemon in the last 5 months (seeing one for 3 months) but I've lost that respect for them I've always had. I have slept with so many in such a short period of time, I don't care if I upset them, I haven't cheated "technically", I break up with them, go see another, then go back to them. I feel disgusting but at the same time I don't care. I don't trust them and expect it to fail...so I just bounce from one to the other. Loneliness kills me, but these short relationships are also very damaging. I don't believe I'm a sex addict...but something internally has changed and I've become to opposite of what I was raised to be. I dunno the purpose of this post, maybe just need write down what I'm internalising. Thanks for reading

AB10 My partner won’t stop lying to me
  • replies: 7

I’ve been with my partner for just over 4 years and during that time he has lied to me alot! I often catch him out in a lie and he’ll continue to deny it to my face. It makes me feel like I’m going crazy. I just caught him in another lie today. He’s ... View more

I’ve been with my partner for just over 4 years and during that time he has lied to me alot! I often catch him out in a lie and he’ll continue to deny it to my face. It makes me feel like I’m going crazy. I just caught him in another lie today. He’s been taking tablets behind my back, which he admitted to in the past after I found them in his bag. Even when I had the evidence in my hand and googled what they were he tried to tell me it was something else. I told him if there’s an issue he can tell me and there will be no judgements. I offered my support. After talking through it he admitted to it and said he wouldn’t take them again and if there is an issue again he’ll tell me. Well today I just saw the evidence left on his lip where he’s obviously bitten the tablet off. It was right there and he of course denied it. He got very aggressive and was yelling at me saying some very nasty things. He was grabbing me and telling me I had to leave because I told him it was over and I couldn’t do this anymore. He then started to tell me I’m imagining seeing the tablet on his lip and said there was nothing there. I feel like I’m losing my mind, but I know I didn’t imagine it. He won’t stop lying. It’s a compulsion. He even admitted to me once that he is a compulsive liar. So why won’t he come clean now? I don’t know what to do. I can’t keep supporting someone that’s lying to me and not willing to change. I have 2 children, which aren’t his, and we all live together (my children were not home when this was going on). I’m not in the financial position to leave as rent is very expensive where I live and I’m not working at the moment. He works and is the main source of income. I feel so lost and confused.