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Boyfriend has separated with me, can i get him back

C_Del
Community Member
4 days ago i got txt from my BF saying he wanted to break up. His reasons were that he doesnt feel an emotional or sexual connection with me. This has happened before but we have always got back together. During our relationship he has told me that he is falling for me and we have been intimate at times but he has told me that his sex drive is very low and its not something he feels like doing often. He has said its not my fault and that i turn him on and he wanted to get help and fix the situation. He never did seek help however and now i feel he is pushing me away again because he feels i deserve someone who can offer me more. The other times he has pushed me away there have been issues that he was facing and didnt want to be a burden on me but he uses the excuse of sexual connection. After reading the signs of depression i wonder if he is depressed and doesnt know any other way than to push me away. He has low libido, doesnt sleep very well, constantly tired and wants to just sit at his flat on his bed watching tv or on his phone and has said before that he has anxiety at times. Im lost with what to do!! I love this guy immensely and want to be with him but feel like he will keep pushing me away. His upbringing wasnt the greatest and i believe his relationships with women have been a little unsteady. We really do have the best connection and he even says im his best friend. We will txt each other at the same time and even about the same thing all the time. Please if anyone can give any insight into how i can reach out to him and help him and get our relationship back i would be very grateful. What we have is way to special to give up on so easily.....
8 Replies 8

HappyHelper88
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello C_Del Thank you for your post and welcome

Im so sorry your going through this, do you feel like he has his own issues he needs to resolve before he can offer his time in a relationship and that's why he has acted like this?
It seems like he's battling his own demons, pushing you away may be a coping mechanism for him but maybe not a healthy one as he may need support

I think he may just need you to be there for him as he may not be able to offer you what u need in a relationship until he is himself again, maybe he needs his best friend right now not a partner( which is you, you said your also his best friend)

I think you could try getting him to talk to someone even a counsellor, talking to someone can be a good start

Let him know the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to offer him advice and support

I hope this helps

Thank you for your reply!!... I do beleive he is fighting his own demons but doesnt actually realise it. I have been by his side through some very dark moments in the last 8 months and he always told me how much he appreciated me being by his side. If it wasnt for me he would of ended up homeless or living back with his mum so ive supported him mentally and financially. I now feel like he thinks hes inadequate to be able to meet my needs and the easiest way for him to deal with this is push me away. I dont know how someone that means so much to another can do that but maybe he thinks hes doing me a favour and that i deserve more than what he can offer. Ive never mentioned depression and neither has he so im not sure how t o bring this up with him either....

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear C_Del~

At one stage in my life I was very firmly convinced that I'd be doing my partner a big favor by ending the relationship, and that they could go on to a better and happier life with someone else. As the time intimacy was about zero. I had no libido at all.

This was all caused by a number of psychological factors, including depression. I had come to believe I was the cause of everything being wrong in my life, not just my relationship.

Later I came to see that this was simply flat out wrong. People do not get over relationships and switch to someone else just like that. My views on my self worth were not real, they were depression thinking for me. As I improved my desire to remain with my partner came back, and my libido improved most satisfactorily.

My partner remained with me, a testament to love and strenght, and I'll be forever grateful I was not abandoned and could count on their permanent presence - it meant a lot even when I did not realise it.

You BF may be in a similar position, and lack of libido may have lot to do with it -it does for a number of males. This of course, as you would know, could be just the way a person is, though just as likely can come about for a variety of physical causes and as you can see above from mental health issues too.

What you do abut it I'm not sure. Perhaps one avenue might be to persuade your BF to have a thorough physical exam, and at the same time extend it to a mental health assessment too.

Do you think this might be an idea?

Croix

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello C_Del, one reason why he has no libido and doesn't want to be intimate could be that the two of you are focused on each other and make remarks that wouldn't be said otherwise if he is suffering from depression that's very difficult to do and even to say 'I love you' for someone with depression can't be said with the same devotion or fondness as when you're not.

If he can be diagnosed by a doctor then these feelings can be justified for how he's thinking.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

C_Del
Community Member
Hi Croix, thank you for your insight. Its such a tough situation as i need to see if he will get help. Im hoping he will open to the idea of getting checked out as he i such a great guy and deserves to be happy also.

C_Del
Community Member
Hi Geoff, Thank you for your response. Im hoping i can get him some help because i believe our relationship is worth fighting for.

Edi-Lou
Community Member
Hi cel, i am going through exactly what you are. I find the rejection is the toughest thing to deal with. I know he needs help but i want him back to help. Says he loves me but makes no effort. I'm so confused.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

C del, and Edi -Lou

welcome to the forum.
You have had many replies from people that I hope will be helpful.

Sometimes people need time and solace and may feel pressured if they are not ready. Hopefully both of your BFs will get support.