Partners lying about porn

[Yellowflower01]

Hi there,

I recently have started dating a new partner and everything has been going really well. It is becoming more serious since deciding to move in together and combining our families (children from previous relationships). We are both very sexual people and in my previous marriage was not able to be myself and explore my sexual interests, so it has been great for me to do that with my new partner. We have been talking about our fantasies and planning to live most of them out, together as a couple. I have always trusted my partner because he takes so much pride in telling me he never lies and that he hates liars, but recently I have found that he has been lying about watching porn. I am so confused because we have such an open and honest relationship about our sexual desires and needs. The porn he is watching is much the same as the sexual experiences we have been having lately so it is not fulfilling another fantasy that he cannot get or is not getting with me. I wonder why he is needing to lie about it. Does this mean that he is capable of lying about other things? I don’t want my trust for him to go and I have given him many opportunities to tell me the truth. I have never ever given him the idea that it would be a drama if he told me he watched porn. I worry that in the end I won’t be enough for him and that I won’t be able to meet all of his sexual needs. Then will he want to replace me? The only hard rule I have is that he doesn’t have any sexual acts or meetings with another women without me there and consenting to it happening and he has the same hard rule for me as well.

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to the forums.

Wow! You write with such openness and honesty.

from your post it would sound like that if he is unable to tell you that he watches porn, there may be other things he has not told you. An alternative view is that he is afraid (to admit?) to tell you he does watch porn. Shame? I know you said you "have never ever given him the idea that it would be a drama" but if he afraid.... Of course, this is also all speculation. Though what are own thoughts about porn?

While it sound like you are the both connected physically (not a bad thing), how are you both with conversations. And i am thinking more along the lines of you perhaps finding the cause behind not telling you and working out a way forward.

Could you tell me a little more about giving "him many opportunities to tell me the truth"?

(I don't want to pt my foot in my mouth as say something!) I can see this would be a confusing and potentially upsetting situation.I know you have specified limits with each other. Perhaps you could could use a discussion to find a way that trust could be restored, and a way to grow together as a result. Strange as this might sound.. using feelings of understanding, compassion and empathy, you may get the answers you are looking for (or more).

Tim

[geoff]

Hello Yellowflower, thanks for posting your comment and what does worry me is when someone says 'they don't lie and hate liers', only because lying is a bad solution to an underlying problem, it's not created equally, in other words, what does a car salesman tell you, do we ever trust them.

In a relationship, people can become anxious and/or afraid of something they have done and know the repercussions involved if they are found out to be lying, sure we tell 'white lies' and may be the reason he's told you he doesn't lie, is an excuse for him to watch porn and cover exactly what he does.

I can answer the question you ask, whether or not 'you'll be enough for him and that I won’t be able to meet all of his needs' because if he does lie about watching porn, then what is to stop him from extrapolating in other areas.

Best wishes.

Geoff.