Break-up advice just does not apply to me.. there is no getting over it.

[florencefortyeight]

I saw an article from someone who recently ended a twelve-year relationship. The article was called My Breakup was Controlling my Life.. Until I Took These Steps. Seems like a pretty comprehensive guide, right?

Unfortunately, though, the article goes into the advice that you always hear. My situation is particularly unique and extreme, so all the stuff that people offer to make me feel better about the situation just makes me feel worse. I'll just take you through the three of the main points of the article.

Do love yourself.

This makes me so angry. It is very difficult to love yourself when you have no impact on the world around you. I was bullied for nine years as a child, and I didn't have any friends in the years afterwards. I have only had one friend in my life, who I met in 2018, but we lost touch. Partially because I was too much for her.

"Self-worth needs to come from ourselves. We can't look to the outside." In my opinion, there is absolutely no meaning in that. Obviously I have things that I like about myself. But what's the point in loving myself when no-one's benefiting from that?!??!?! Without anyone else, there's no proof that I'm not just deluding myself.

Do build a support network.

"You need to be around people that give you perspective, that give you balance, and allow you to process your emotions in a safe and comfortable way." As I mentioned, if that's the case, then I am screwed.

Don't avoid the negative emotions or feelings.

"It's normal to experience [feelings of anger, betrayal, jealousy] for a while, but when you experience them for a lengthy period of time, and they get in the way of your daily life, that's when you say you need help to work through this."

Is two years a long time? I don't know if there's any point in "working through this." I am safe, but I feel like I am just waiting for the day I break. I give up.

...

You know the craziest thing? We were never together. She knew how I felt, but she hurt me. She abandoned me.. and I don't even have a relationship to look back on. I have never been on a date before. I know there is a LOT, a lot of stigma around that, saying that it makes you come across as desperate.

This thread just completely lost its structure.

[white knight]

Hi,

When ever I've sort advice it's been a choice of mine to accept or reject it or accept it in part. As we are individuals there's no "One fits all" thread of advice.

A long time ago my then therapist was treating me for anxiety with panic attacks. My issue in a nutshell was, that following a workplace incident whereby my local Govt manager tried to pressurize me into doing corrupt activities. I refused and my level of anger was such that I became somewhat paranoid over right and wrongs in society.

I hope you don't take offence but your post reminded me of myself.

Post your breakup such stress could easily be responsible for your state of mind. Two years long enough? Not for some. It doesn't matter how long you take, it's your process you have to endure until you can move forward. I'm sure you've seen movies whereby a person continues to love someone all their lives?

I had such a love. I'm 64yo and at 21yo met a lady. 7 years later we split. It broke me. 20 years later I was in her neighbourhood and dropped in. Feelings flooded back but I also realised more clearly why we split up, that same procrastination remained and it annoyed me.

I've had 4 long term relationships (all over 7 years) and I admit, I only ever moved forward by falling in love again.

Repost anytime

TonyWK

[florencefortyeight]

Again, it's not that simple.

It feels impossible for someone to love me. I understand that if I met someone else, it would be easier. It has been so long that if I met someone else, even a few months after it happened, I would have a ring on my finger by now.

However, the way I look, the way people perceive me, and the HUGE amount of emotional damage I have accumulated throughout my life means it will probably never happen.

[Emmen]

Dear florencefortyeight,

I hear your anger and frustration. I think what you have to understand is that everyone situation feels different, everyone hurts in some way. I'm not dismissing your pain or your situation. Even I grew up with hardly any friends, and there was definitely a time when I would have said my situation was beyond redemption.

The one thing I've learnt over these years is that healing can only happen when we shift our thinking. We have to get out of that negative loop - the one that tells us there there is no point in listening to advice, that our life still amounts to nothing, that there is no hope. Instead of focusing on what's bad, think of the little things things that you still have that you can focus on during this healing process. Do you have a hobby or an interest that you would like to develop? Perhaps by focusing on that, you'll start realising your worth outside of all the horrible things that have happened and you'll be ready to start healing.

Also, admitting you've never been on a date doesn't come across as desperate. You sound angry and frustrated, and based on what you've said, I'm guessing your anger and frustration comes from not just her behaviour, but from all these other things as well. Life is more than just about relationships. Remember that. I've met people who have been single all their lives and they're still happy with what they've made of their lives. So spend some time focusing on things outside this issue, find your worth, and you'll find that you'll be in a much better mental state as well.

Kindly,
M

[florencefortyeight]

I understand that idea, but at the same time, coming to terms with the fact that there is more to life than love just feels like I am throwing in the towel, and saying "OK, I guess I'm alone in the world, time to find another dream." That's not exactly an inspirational success story. Besides, I don't know that being in a relationship should be an incomprehensible pipe dream. Most people have been in a relationship before, at twenty-five. Human connection is not supposed to be a luxury.

Like how do you have to be to let go of the possibility that someone could love you?

I understand, though, perhaps to preserve your mental health, that's the way you have to think anyway...

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

You really sound in a lot of pain and I feel for you. Grief and loss in any form are very personal and never easy. I wonder if you have sought or considered professional help, to assist you in managing your feelings? I just read your other thread, and feel quite worried about the depth of what you're experiencing.

I don't think you ever have to let go of the possibility that someone could love you. It's more about learning to enjoy the life that we are living, until we meet the right person, and removing any barriers we might have to finding love.

Katy

[Littlebluescent]

Hi,

I can honestly say that I've felt this way before. Whilst human connection isn't just a luxury, there are many ways to form human connection. One being a support group. All hope is not lost and a lot of advice that was mentioned is quite valid advice, however, it really depends on how one interprets it and whether they are ready to take it on board. In psychology, there is a thing called learned helplessness and sometimes when we are in the mist of heartbreak or crises, this mentality can creep in. I see you and I feel you. You probably aren't ready for advice right now, because it doesn't really matter what advice people have to offer if you don't feel ready or in a headspace to take it on board. I've felt that before and often we can feel as though we have to have everything figured out in one go, but we don't. Here's a question, why do you want a relationship? Is it because they are nice to have? Is it because you feel lonely and want some company? All of these points are valid, but love also comes in many other forms. I would also be weary about reading articles such as that one, because they are often vague and as you mentioned, everyone's situation is different. There is no real time frame for moving on from someone regardless of whether you were together. They obviously had an impact on your life. In reference to 'never been on a date before', it's important to remember that social norms aren't always representative and there is no one way to live. It is not a bad thing that you've never been on a date before, although it does sound like you have certain expectations on how things should be and sometimes things don't always go how we expect them to. I think acceptance comes into play here. It is natural to feel anger, frustration and disappointment when things don't go our way. It also sounds like you may have had your fair share of childhood trauma (bullying) that perhaps is seeping into adulthood. That can definitely have an impact and would be worth delving into. overall, if there is any advice I can give you, it's to live one day at a time. If we think too far into the future, we can find ourselves in a loop of 'what ifs' and that can cause unnecessary suffering.