Partner won't make an effort

[Stevolica27]

Hi everyone, this sounds a bit trivial but is something that really gets me down. I've expressed to my partner but they haven't changed anything. AITA for expecting them to organise themselves when we've planned to spend time together?

Basically, one example is my partner doesn't like being woken up (too early) but if it's passed mid-morning etc, it's okay to. I'm talking weekends of course. But I really dislike the idea that I have to wake her up and get her organised so we can do the things together we'd talked about, when if it were anyone else she had plans with, she would set alarms and be ready (I mean you kind of have to)... I just feel like a bit of a parent sometimes when it's like, I have to organise her if I want us to spend time together, when she organises herself for spending time with others...

My reaction nowadays is just go to go out, have breakfast or whatever because I've asked enough times that she puts an effort to wake-up. Otherwise I have to do it, then wait 30min-hour for her to get organised to her satisfaction before we can go. 

It sounds petty when I write this but I'm just looking for any thoughts, support or criticism 🙂

[Sophie_M]

Dear Stevolica27,

We are pleased that you found the courage to post about your confusion with your partner's weekend behaviour that frustrates and confuses you. There are many people who have similar confusion, so this thread can be quite beneficial to many. We are a very supportive and helpful community.

One of the things we understand is, in my mind, it is much easier for my partner to change. After all, since the behaviour I want from my partner is what I do already, it should be easy for my partner to comply, right? So, in your specific case, we would put forward the following question to ask yourself:
How easy would it be for me to sleep in with my partner every weekend since that is my partner's default behaviour?

We know that long-term relationships are constant negotiations between the default behaviours of both partners. In successful healthy relationships, both partners uncomfortably adapt to each other roughly equally. In less healthy relationships, one partner uncomfortably adapts more than the other partner. The interesting thing is, however, that we are usually unable to assess how uncomfortable our own uncomfortable adapting is compared with our partner's uncomfortable adapting. We usually perceive our adapting as worse than our partner's adapting.

This is one of the reasons why we encourage partners who are struggling with frustrations about the other person to go as a couple to see a relationship counsellor or therapist. The professional is usually able to help both partners better understand each other's contributions to the relationship, and uncomfortable adaptations to each other. Relationships Australia is one place which focuses on helping couples work through these sorts of issues. http://relationships.org.au

We look forward to reading the helpful suggestions which should come from our wonderful community members as they find this thread. Thank you for starting the discussion.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[ecomama]

Hi Stevolica27, welcome to the forums. 

Personally, I don't think this is too "petty" a thing to have issues with. 
If it's really bothering you, then it's SOME thing to try and get a resolution for. I don't know HOW and would love to see others' responses tbh lol. 

My bf is quite the same. LOVES sleeping in to the nth degree, needs a lot more sleep than I do. But I don't live with him and rarely see him either. IF and when we DO live together, I think I'll spend half my life with him sleeping and me doing ME things! 

I have spent months living with him all the same.
You're doing what I began doing too, just getting up when I did and going off to do what I wanted to do. 

I guess the question is, "Is this behaviour of hers a deal breaker for you?" meaning is this something you can live with long term? 

I'm a bit perturbed when you say she happily gets up early when she has plans with OTHER people. 
That must feel pretty awful tbh. 

I think that's the biggest thing I'd be hurt about, is it the same for you? 

It'd be a shame to throw the entire "baby out with the bathwater" so to speak, but in the early days it could be something to resolve. 

Love EMxxxx

[Juliet_84]

It can be hard when we feel that our partner is making more of an effort for “randoms” than they are for their own partner. But unfortunately that is often the case as they feel comfortable enough being themselves around us and not so much with other people. Have you tried sitting down with your partner and asking how she feels about it and then explaining how it makes you feel. How you individually express love may have something to do with it too. It sounds to me as though your “love language” is quality time. That is also my love language whereas my partners love language is acts of service - we have often clashed in this department because he takes it to heart if I don’t make him a sandwich whereas I get extremely hurt if he falls asleep or is on his phone while we are spending time watching a movie etc. They sound pretty small too, but they aren’t to us. So we have had to communicate this to each other so they understand it’s “a big deal” to us even if they don’t see it. In your partners case, she likes to sleep in and probably figures that she isn’t hurting anyone so why should it bother you. I used to sleep in on weekends too, I have a chronic medical condition and worked full-time and so I found that my job really took it out of me and I knew if I didn’t get my sleep, I would become run-down and sick. My partner was pretty understanding and would do jobs during those times like wash the car etc and then come home for when he knew I would wake up. Could this be a solution for you guys? 

[Stevolica27]

Thanks Sophie! And thanks heaps for your love and support, Em! I think you're onto it. It's not about the preference to sleep-in (though Sophie, yes I could definitely learn to enjoy it more myself 😄 - great suggestion!) but it's about the difference in effort between 'us' and for others. I think part of it might be a values difference where I (at least try to be) of the position that you look after yourself first (we kind of need to!) then partner second (as this is the love we choose everyday), friends, family and relatives etc. following. 

So I do get offended on that level, whether it's intentional or not.

Thanks again for both of your thoughts 🙂

[Stevolica27]

Thanks Juliet, yeah great thoughts. Ironically, haha I'm the one with the chronic medical condition. But yeah, it's only been an issue for me when we have limited time that weekend to hang out and thus allotted specific time, hence the need for me to take the responsibility on to wake her etc. 

In normal instances, I'm just happy to go be me and let her be her 🙂 - no problems. I'm very independent that way and will just work on projects or go for a walk etc. 

And great advice re: love languages. We've definitely looked into all of that - fascinating stuff. I think it's so true and useful in many cases. Thanks again for your thoughts.

[Juliet_84]

Oh well then she has no excuse 😊! I know what you mean, couples rarely have “quality time” during the week so it’s always nice to use weekends as a bonding time of sorts to do things together. What type of things do you like to do? Could it be that you both have different ideas of how you want to spend your weekends, ie is she a home body and you want to be out doing activities etc? My dad is actually experiencing this exact issue with my mother, he is quite fit and active for his age and would like to make the most of his retirement and travel whereas my mum is quite content to sit on the lounge at home all day and waste her life away. When they were in their 40s and 50s he was willing to overlook it but I know this is a great source of frustration for him now as these people will waste your life away along with their own. So although it does seem like a trivial issue in a way, I’m learning that it’s really not. I think part of your frustration is that she’s willing to make the effort for people who are lower down the totem pole so to speak. I have a similar issue with my partner who is the life of the party when he goes out and is charming, funny and enthusiastic and will do anything for anyone. And then comes home exhausted and grumpy and doesn’t want to do anything. It can make you feel as though you are lower than a stranger when you think if a person loved you that you should be a higher priority. It reminds me of children in a way, they are only comfortable to throw tantrums etc with their parents because they feel comfortable to be their true selves. I think that is what’s happening here, not that it probably makes you feel any better! If you think the relationship is worth it in other areas and it’s worth working for, then you can try and raise it again with your girlfriend, although I must admit I see this as being a bit of a recurring issue for you. I’m reminded of a quote “people don’t change over time, they only become more so”. Sometimes we have to accept the annoyances or decide whether they are important to us. 

[geoff]

Hello Stevolica, with your partner doing this would be frustrating, especially when you had planned something and it's a beautiful day and even getting  her to 'move along' wouldn't be easy.

Enjoy yourself while she sleeps, it's her demeanor that's missing out, just be careful that she doesn't respond negatively to what's happening, then it may become a greater concern.

Geoff.

Life Member.