Partner with depression (ruining perfect relationship)

[Speakforchange]

I have been with my partner for a year, and although all relationships have their ups and downs I can honestly say we have had the greatest year, with love, laughter, great holidays, understanding and support and open communication about everything.

I knew my partner used to speak to someone a few years ago but that is all I knew, I also have gotten professional help once for some life direction at a time where I was a little lost but I was never clinically depressed or anxious. I assumed he meant the same thing. I found out that he was on medication and only came off it 1.5 years ago and was diagnosed mild to moderate depression/anxiety. I was surprised that he had not told me this sooner, the reason I found out was because I had moved into his place and we decided to live together as we basically were already, the only thing that changed was me paying rent and the title of me 'living' there.

One night he would not have sex with me, came home and had taken some drugs which he never does, maybe one since I have known him, plus some other strange behaviours that week.This was upsetting for me, he said something had changed and he felt like the dynamic had changed and he didn't know why or what and of course it upset me, i had not changed, nothing had changed. I initially thought it was me and he just didn't love me anymore but after speaking to friends and putting the pieces together I realised it was his mental health that was struggling which was the reason for his low libido and disconnection. I moved out for a week, gave him space, looked after him, offered him support in anyway he wanted it. I literally have done and read absolutely everything I am even going to a psychologist for myself to talk it out and get supportive coping strategies, but I know at the end of the day if he does not want to get help than I cannot do anything, I ended up moving out which shocked him and killed me.... he has started making slow steps, he has a lot of past hurt that he has never fully dealt with from family issues to never having anyone to support him... the fact we have discussed a future I think that scares him because he thinks it will all go wrong and that he will have to face more family break up and pick up the pieces.. He's struggling to let go and move forward, he says he doesnt want to lose me. I am not sure what else to do??? Not sure how long I can hold on.

[LeeA18]

I am about 80% sure that he didn’t. If I hadn’t seen the texts and photos, it would never have crossed my mind. When I was stalking her on Facebook (lol), her town wasn’t the same as ours and she lives about a 2.5 hour flight away. Whether that’s her current town like it says on Facebook, is another thing. He hasn’t been up to that town since February and didn’t visit her as it was a quick weekend family visit. I am mentioning it in my email but in a tactful way.

i am reading a good book at the moment called “men who can’t love”. It’s all about commitment phobia men. He ticks so many of the boxes.

[Puppies]

It seems there must be a lot more to your situation than his mental health! It’s unfortuante that he had those issues and that they were impacting on your relationship, but it sounds that his commitment issues stem from his personality and not mental heath.
Hopefully you find out and receive an answer from your email.

Keep us updated

[LeeA18]

I think it is a bit of both. Commitment issues, depression/anxiety, and some kind of personality disorder. It has suggested by a couple of people that he could be bipolar. He told me the last 2 times I saw him that his doctor said that he is either sad or happy, no in between. Wish I asked more when he said that. I think I might ask my psych about that at my next session.

[Puppies]

Yeah that makes sense

I know it’s so confusing but try not think too much about it all! I hope your mind will be more at ease once you send the email and get it all off your chest. It wasn’t you who was the problem, he obviously just wasn’t ready and had some problems he needed to sort out, and unfortunately it was you who was in the firing line

i hope you’re feeling better

[LeeA18]

Thank you 🙂

i feel like I ruined it all when I asked him about the text that I saw. I hope to move on from that though. He needs to sort himself out. You are right though. He said that he thought he was ready but he wasn’t. At the time I thought it was about him and I moving in together, I now realise he was talking about the relationship. I told him that he was doing quite well. And he said that it just seemed to have all caught up to him. He had met my parent a couple of weeks beforehand. I met some of his extended family the following week. We were planning to move in together. He had family members saying stuff to us about the future. So, if he is a commitment phobe, that would have been enough to make him run a mile.

hopefully he cools down a bit about whatever I did wrong and contacts me later on in the future.

[Puppies]

You did not do anything wrong!

In any relationship, both partners should be allowed to express their feelings/needs at any time and not be made to feel bad about it. You had every right to ask him about it, and if he turned it around onto you doing the wrong thing then it sounds more likely that he was hiding something.

I’ve been reading a heap of stuff from Gottman Relationship therapy. It’s really useful. I’ve signed up for their weekly emails and they are short but useful tips for relationships. I know that if it was me after having dealt with the same stuff you’re going through, I wouldn’t want to read up on things like that. But it may help you understand why things happened the way they did. On Facebook, their page is called ‘The Gottman Institute’, so I recommend having a look at that if you wish! I will be trying to start conversations with my partner about specific topics I think are relevant to us. I believe they would be good conversation starters so we can both be on the same page!

I hope you get some clarification soon!

[LeeA18]

Thank you! I signed up to the mailing list and I’ll have a Read of the website on the weekend.

[Puppies]

That’s great! Hopefully they help you out a bit!

[lost6]

Hey everyone,

i just thought I’d see how we’re all going? In the last week I’ve got through my anniversary with my ex and his birthday. The birthday was tough because I had been trying to help plan it with him, but a few weeks before we broke up he also turned around and said ‘I was having a party to make you happy’. That was when I guess I started realising that he could lie to me about stuff. He denied it was a lie though and couldn’t see the difference between saying something to make people happy and just lying. I have a large amount of resentment towards him about the way he treated me and being honest it was tough thinking that people were celebrating him.

LeeA18, I completely understand the need to send the email. I think you just have to be prepared that he may not reply or that his reply may not be what you were hoping for? I have thought so many times about telling my ex what a coward he was and how I deserved to be treated far better but judging from previous responses from him I don’t think I’d get the response I wanted and I knew that would upset me. It’s a feeling of injustice that they walk out of our lives without seeing the fallout of their actions and it is completely unfair! I want to scream at my ex, but I don’t even think he’d emotionally be able to truly understand his actions, and maybe your ex won’t be able to either.

keep reminding yourselves that we didn’t do anything wrong in the relationship! We gave everything we have and they walked out (mine without warning or much of an explanation).

I hope your Monday’s have started off ok!

[Puppies]

Hi Lost6,

I'm glad you were able to get through the birthday/anniversary. I know that that would be very difficult!

-puppies