Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

[MiaC]

I have been with my partner for seven years now. He has two grown up children who have partners of their own. His son has been diagnosed with anxiety and can be quite obnoxious and rude to me. His daughters husband has anxiety and ADHD and has on several occasions acted quite offended as he believed that I had said some things that were insulting. However I had not actually said anything at all. On every occasion where my partner should have discussed with me what had happened, he simply blamed me for it. This has happened when some of his friends were quite rude to me, he tells me that I am too sensitive and laughs it off. If I ever get upset and state what really happened he will defend his son in law or his son or his friend. I am now supposed to visit his daughter during Easter. I said to my partner that I will be happy to visit her if he will support me and not allow any bad behaviour to go unchecked. I said that if he allows any unpleasantness to occur that I will not allow it to be ignored this time. He will avoid discussing it, saying that I am being unreasonable. It is not unreasonable to expect to be treated with respect. I dont enjoy seeing them and they certainly dont include my partner and I in anything at all. I did think it was because they couldnt accept their father being with someone other than their mother but now I realise that they really hadnt seen much of the father before I met him. He says to me that those things are in the past and dont matter. He will not simply say that he will not allow them to behave in an unacceptable manner and he will not discuss it with me so I dont feel that it is over at all.

[MiaC]

Thanks s much for all of your comments. I will do my best to i mprove the situation and if my partner then realises if we work together things will improve we may get somewhere. I am glad that I a member of this site as it is helping to have support, and be provided with confirmation that I am doing the correct thing.

[MiaC]

I tried to force myself to visit my partners daughter and family. Last night I was so anxious about it that I couldnt sleep. I am having bad headaches like migraines so used that as an excuse. My partner accepted that I wasnt going but I could see how disappointed he was. I feel bad for not going but at the same time I am have to see my gp about the headaches and wasnt confident that I could handle any confrontation or stress well if I had gone. I feel as if I am lose no matter what I do. But for my partners sake I want to try. I like to sit and talk things through but that doesnt seem to be what my partners family do.

[Croix]

Dear MiaC~

I know exactly what you are going though and understand how debilitating and limiting physical reactions - such as headaches - are.

There is one thing I would like to say. In your last post you seem to imply it is a failing in you, you are for example disappointing your husband. It really should be the the way around. Your first post pointed out how rude his family was, and how dismissive he was of your feelings.

They are the ones that are setting up the barriers, and expecting you to jump over them is simply unacceptable. Reasonable people understand - or try to anyway - and are supportive. Having to cope with those who are not is just about guaranteed to increase your symptoms.

Please try to regard yourself as a strong person dealing with heavy situations.

In passing I'd mention my psychiatrist assisted me quite effectively with my headaches and other physical problems though prompts on lifestyle and medication. Not having such a high level of headaches etc made for a lot less stress in itself.

Croix

[Summer Rose]

Hi Mia

You did the right thing for you today--you safeguarded your health. A sound decision and that's a win in my book.

I just wish you weren't in this situation, where the thought of a family gathering with your partner makes you so ill. I hope today wasn't too hard on you. I know what it's like ... you want them to go but at the same you kind of wish they would stay home with you.

This happened once with my husband and I and his family. Once was enough for my husband to take action to make sure that never happened again because he didn't really enjoy himself without me--he spent the time worrying about me and wishing I was there. You might find your partner starts to see the light after today.

I agree with Croix, none of this is on you. Don't forget that. You have nothing to feel bad about. There will be other opportunities when you are feeling stronger to try and sort this out, if that is what you want to do. It might be easier with a smaller group, on your turf, without the pressure of it being a holiday. Something to think about.

Kind thoughts to you

[MiaC]

Thank you for your support. I feel that I made the right decision not to go asI am not well enough to. I am afraid that his children do not visit our home. But I am taking on board that perhaps I can invite them to come and make it a lovely occasion. It has made a great deal of difference to me to have supportive comments and feedback. I am in tears at the moment after reading such supportive comments as they have not been forthcoming from my partner or his family. One member of his family is kind and that is his father. His father has stayed at our home and even took me to lunch and actually asked how I was. If I did invite them and some of my friends to support me then I may be able to ensure that everyone enjoyed themselves. I will try this in the future it has been difficult for me to do so due to fatigue and pain but I am going to ask my neighbour for help.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Mia

You are an amazing woman, contemplating making a lovely family occasion for your partner's sake after what his children have put you through.

It could be a real turning point but you must make sure you have your partner's unconditional and full support before you do this. Your friends will be a bonus but you need your partner more.

I would like to suggest that your partner talk to his children before the event. His family must know before they accept the invitation that it's important to you and your partner that everyone is respectful to each other while in each other's company. Your partner needs to tell his kids/family that you are going to a lot of effort and that he expects them to meet you half way. Your partner should be willing to explain that this is important to him. If they love their father as much as you love him, it could all work out.

I am glad that our support has made a difference in your life. Keep posting. I am happy to talk anytime x

[Croix]

Dear MiaC~

As Summer rose says thinking of inviting them all to your place is an amazing idea. With your friends present too it might well work, though whatever happens you will find it a most taxing exercise. Still it is probably the best option you have. Would it be possible to have his father present too, or does that come with other problems?

Croix

[MiaC]

I was hoping to have my father in law present. I hope that it can happen, my partner did not say much when I suggested it. I will take your suggestions on board and hopefully it will take place.