Partner left, is it me??

[marshmallow]

Hello, 

 I have been head over heels in love for 4 years, we have lived together for 3. Depression is in his family. This past year he didn't get into medical school, had trouble getting a job, and was communting 3 hrs/day to work when he lived with me. He has for years needed constant change, constant excitement to be happy and to not succumb to the routines that are life. I love travelling, planning etc. so in reality I was helpful for providing this to him. I have never once questioned our relationship. I am an extremely loving, caring person and we have so much fun together. We are honestly so happy together. My one big flaw it is this: I possibly love him too much? I want to spend time together and have trouble with being okay being alone.. Although I have gotten immensely better. When he is out with the guys I like to text and hear from him. This doesn't even happen often (maybe 5x/year? We also often go out together) but when it does it always has bothered him. His mother was a worryier as he grew up, and he dislikes that I worry and want to hear from him. He enjoys a night of heavy drinking with the guys, with no requirement to text. I see why I need to get better, give him space, I really do ...

3 weeks ago we talked about marriage, and he said he can not commit to me because he needs constant change in life, and the marriage commitment is too much. Such a hard thing to hear when you love  someone so much and now feel like they are saying one day you won't be good enough. After this talk he said he is very unhappy and feels depressed ... I suspected he was off but this was the first time he said it. After that day he became more visibly down around me.. And I became more present, trying so hard I help... he started going out drinking with new younger work friends, he has been more distant from me.. but not always, we still had great fun nights throughout those three weeks. He also told me he is only happy when he is drinking... He still hides it so much, he has such a happy exterior no one would ever know.

1 week ago he moved out to his parents home. He also started meds.. Did I do this... Or contribute? Stress is a trigger for major depressive episodes.. Would healthy relationships break up over the texting issue, or talk about it and work on, especially given how many GREAT things we share and love about each other .. Ifeel like I tipped his depressive state. If I'd been better (given him his unrestricted boys nights) would he still be here?

[white knight]

Hi Marshmellow, welcome

I can see that texting while he is enjoying his time drinking with his friends feels like its interrupting him so he feels obliged to take time out from his time with his mates would be irritating. You now know that, but this issue is not unlike any other issue that could have popped up in the future that normally would require working through, conversation, fix the issue and move on. However he has swung away from the relationship rather like over reacting...not uncommon for depressed people to do IMO.

To take this one further having a mother that is a worry wort would make things worse when he realises his partner does the same. It's something he wanted to get away from all his life- a female figure that wont leave him alone.

None of this is your fault, you are perfectly within your rights to be yourself and you are entitled to a chance to redeem your behaviour/adjust it when you realise what he doesn't like. Loving someone excessively isn't a crime, eg to be "clingy" while in love is ok until you know your boundaries you've jumped. These boundaries are not all known for 20-30 years depending on the relationship. So a few years and you are still learning. That should be ok.

I think he has "switched off" from you. As hard as that will be for you to swallow. Those with emotional issues like depression and anxiety and bipolar swing from one extreme to the next....we are individuals of extremes not in that sweet grey area many people remain. Baring that in mind what can you do? Here is my advice-

Let him be. As hard as it will be for you to want to sort it all out leave him alone. If his love for you is strong he will return emotionally to you. If it is not strong for him towards you he will leave/ not return. It isn't something you have done wrong.

Did you read that last sentence?

You are perfectly entitled to ask about marriage. My daughter has been in a wonderful defacto for 3 years. Recently her partner asked her is she would stay with him if offered a job in the USA. "Yes, but I'd want out relationship to become more substantial" she said. (Meaning marriage). He said ok. that was it. She was right. She has a need to marry and she is well aware of some people that reap the benefits of a married life without the ultimate commitment often that a girl desires.

So pursue your dreams, with him or without him. This will be tough but I've proved twice before that love can come around more than once.

Tony WK