Am I in the right place?
Hi everyone, my name is Nicole. I am 40 yrs old, with a loving husband of 20 years, and two gorgeous boys 15 & 7.
I was adopted when I was 3 weeks old, to the most wonderful parents one could ask for, however, when I turned 40, I had an epiphany, and decided to start the search for my natural parents. I soon discovered that they had both passed away, which was an overwhelming feeling of grief for two people I didn't even know. To add to this, I also discovered that I have two older brothers, one of which doesn't want any contact with me, which is confusing and upsetting. I am yet to make contact with the eldest brother, which is a main reason why I'm having anxious feelings. Aside from the fact that my birth mother, gave birth to me, and never tried to find me, ever in her life. That does my head in the most. I've never been diagnosed with anxiety or depression, although there are times when I do feel both on a daily basis. My husband suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, from abuse when he was a child, that has never been officially diagnosed either, so I am familiar with the feelings. He now feels extremely emotional when I talk to him about my birth situation, to the point where, I feel I can't talk to him about it anymore. Add to that, one of our sons, may have ADD, financial stress, and self medication with alcohol, and that's me! On the most part, I am a happy person, who is very grateful for everything in my life. I am not sure if I have come to the right place. Sorry for writing an essay! xoxo
Welcome to the bb forums. From what you have written here I think you will find quite a few threads to relate to. I just thought I would respond to one concern in your post. I am a bit older than you and I can remember working with another woman when I was younger who had been placed in the position of having to give her child up for adoption. She had a lot of sadness because of it. I do not know your birth parents situation so cannot comment on that. However things have changed a lot and it might be hard to look back from how things are now and understand what your birth parents did or did not do. I am sorry you did not get to meet them.
dear Nicole, hi and it's great to hear from you.
I can only imagine how hurtful all of this must have been, and in some regards it's disappointing that they didn't make any contact with you.
Is there a possibility that they might have found out where you actually lived and what you were doing and also wanted to know about the family you had, I know that this is of no consequence now, but perhaps your mum may have felt very guilty in talking to you.
I'm sorry to mention this and in no way did I want to hurt you.
With regard to one of your brothers, well he doesn't know what he is missing out on, and it's a shame that you don't have any contact, and hopefully your other brother will want to see you, because if I was in your position, I would do all I could to make contact with you.
This has left a large gaping hole in you which will be very difficult to repair, but with some help it maybe able to soften the hardship it has given you.
Self medicating with alcohol is not an unfamiliar topic that is discussed on this forum in many posts, and this I can truly relate to when suffering from depression for years myself.
I would like to continue this discussion if you want to, and can I say YES you have come to the perfect site. L Geoff. x
Welcome to the Community here at Beyond Blue. Thank you for sharing your very touching story with us. Like Geoff mentioned, you are in the right place! The community here is very supportive and caring to each other.
There is a lot of support to be had here. You can use the telephone help line to chat with people who can offer you more help and advice, or you can use the webchat at certain hours. I have used both and find them very helpful.
You can also find a lot of information about depression and anxiety through the resource sections at the top of the tool bar. (I am not up with computer talk so I hope you can find your way around this site okay!)
I was not adopted, but many times in my adult years I have so desperately wanted to adopt children of our own, only my husband hasn't wanted to. That is a whole different story.
You must have had mixed emotions looking for your natural parents. I am sorry you were unable to ever meet them. Are there Aunts and Uncles you could contact. One brother does not want to know you, maybe he finds it all too hard to do so. If the other brother is willing to see you, then I hope that works out well for you.
I am no expert, but it sounds like you and your husband could both do with some counselling regarding your issues. It certainly helps me to be able to talk about the issues that are troubling me and how to deal with them.
I hope some of this has helped you and that you let us know how you are getting on.
This site can be a wonderful place to find encouragement, support, care and people's ideas and thoughts.
Oh yes, don't worry if you think you are writing an essay! I do that quite often. Ha. Ha.
Cheers for now from Lauren or Mrs. Dools
Thanks for your kind words, and another likely suggestion.
I hope that one of my brothers, especially the oldest, as he was 12 when I was born, can remember his mother being pregnant. We will soon find out what memories he has.
The youngest of the two brothers was 10 when I was born, so I'm thinking he will have some memories too.
I am excited to make first contact with my older brother.
I am sure the other one, will come around sooner or later.
It's all very interesting, not totally depressing, but it gets to me now more than ever.
Having said that, I am glad I found a good spot!
Thanks for having me.
Hello, and thank you Mrs Dools,
It's good to know there is someone and something you can turn to when we need it the most. I am a big believer of shouldering one's feelings on others, as sometimes it can offer you an alternative way of thinking, or a clearer path.
My emotions have varied alot over the years. I have always known I was adopted, my parents let me know as soon as I could understand what that meant. I'd like to say that I have fulfilled my role as a daughter, and I love my parents ever so much. We do have a great connection, even though I test their patience every now and then, but what kid doesn't!
I always firm in thinking that my natural mother, should have looked for me, as it was not my decision to give me up, so why should I look for her.
Then, when I was pregnant with my first son, I started to get overwhelmed with thoughts of- At what time of her pregnancy did she decide that she didn't want me? But it was that one night, just after my 40th, I plucked my head out of the sand, and did the search myself. Now, I am consumed with thoughts and emotions, so it's good to be able to talk them through with others.
My birth mother was one of three sisters, so there is a possibility that there are aunties out there, but who knows if they're still alive?
The brothers are key, I think. Time will tell.
Thanks for making time for me.
Thanks for sharing your story with us all. I went to school with a girl who was adopted, she had 4 brothers in her adopted family. I am not sure actually if she ever looked for her birth parents!
I had a boyfriend who never knew he was adopted until both of his parents died later on in life. It was only while sorting out family matters that he discovered these were not his real parents and he was a parent himself!
I'm not sure if he managed to find his birth mother or not. We had been friends as teenagers and I was so shocked to find out the news as I really liked his Mum and spent so much time there my own Mum was ready for me to move in with them! I was only 15 at the time!
Hopefully your brothers will be able to fill you in more, and hopefully an Aunt or two may still be alive, maybe there are cousins as well.
One of my nieces has been best friends with a girl who was adopted from overseas. For some reason the girl spent more time at my sister's than at her adopted parent's place. It was like the Mum wanted her...but didn't at the same time. This girl is now almost 20 and has been back to the country of her origin and has met her birth mother and family.
I haven't seen much of her lately but she seems to be doing well and is getting on better with her adopted Mum now. She always calls me Aunty, that so makes me feel special.
I used to wish I was adopted and that my real Mum would come and get me as my dear Mum was very ill with mental health issues when we were children.
In all of this, keep loving your family while you reach out to your blood relatives. I hope it works well for you and you can combine and grow your families together.
Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools
Now that you know who your birth parents were have you considered maybe looking in to doing a family history. I know one of my family members has been doing that and it is really interesting some of the things that have been unearthed. Has brought a lot of skeletons out of the closet.
Also assuming that your birth parents were having a lot of problems at the time they gave you up for adoption it might be possible that your brother who does not want to talk to you has his own painful issues that he does not want to confront. I think we generally have to deal with our own pain before we can help others.
Even today some babies are removed at birth from families who are struggling. However I think generally the family services like to keep open the possibility of reuniting the child with the birth families. From what I have heard this has left a lot of children spending their childhood in and out of foster homes. Anyway just a few more thoughts.