Am I in the right place?

[Pickles_McFadeyen]

Hi everyone, my name is Nicole. I am 40 yrs old, with a loving husband of 20 years, and two gorgeous boys 15 & 7.

I was adopted when I was 3 weeks old, to the most wonderful parents one could ask for, however, when I turned 40, I had an epiphany, and decided to start the search for my natural parents. I soon discovered that they had both passed away, which was an overwhelming feeling of grief for two people I didn't even know. To add to this, I also discovered that I have two older brothers, one of which doesn't want any contact with me, which is confusing and upsetting. I am yet to make contact with the eldest brother, which is a main reason why I'm having anxious feelings. Aside from the fact that my birth mother, gave birth to me, and never tried to find me, ever in her life. That does my head in the most. I've never been diagnosed with anxiety or depression, although there are times when I do feel both on a daily basis. My husband suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, from abuse when he was a child, that has never been officially diagnosed either, so I am familiar with the feelings. He now feels extremely emotional when I talk to him about my birth situation, to the point where, I feel I can't talk to him about it anymore. Add to that, one of our sons, may have ADD, financial stress, and self medication with alcohol, and that's me! On the most part, I am a happy person, who is very grateful for everything in my life. I am not sure if I have come to the right place. Sorry for writing an essay! xoxo

[Pickles_McFadeyen]

Hello again Mrs Dools,

You certainly have heard alot of adoptions in your life. It's amazing how prevalent it is.

I also have an older brother in my adoptive family, who I now know, has battled with the knowledge all his life. I'm going to give him the information to do his own search for his birth parents. He deserves to know, and hopefully he'll find inner peace.

Then, there is my adoptive father, who has never known his natural father.

He was adopted at the age of three, and although, he lived with his birth mother, she never told him about his father, because he never asked.

Crazy hey!

Now, since finding out about my birth parents, and having to tell my adoptive parents this information, my father has finally applied for his original birth certificate, and found out his natural father's name, and that he also has a sister, who was fobbed off as his cousin, all his life.

So, he is now confronted with telling her, even though, he says he won't ruin her life.

I think that enough secrets have been kept, and that the truth must come out!

Talk about skeletons in one's closet!

I never thought about cousins! That will be interesting also.

Thank you again for shedding a bit more light on things!

Sorry for another essay!

xoxo

[Pickles_McFadeyen]

Hi Pixie,

Yes, a family history search is something I am interested in, considering I have always been immersed in my adoptive family's history. It's nice to know, you're not alone in this world, and that there was family out there.

You bring another suggestion as to why my birth parents gave me up.

As a mother of two boys, I know I'd love a girl and would never give her up, no matter what.

I've had to resort to placing my orders for granddaughters!

I do feel that my older brother just doesn't want to deal with this revelation, and that over time, he will come around. I just have to be patient, and keep hope.

There are definitely others out there with worse stories than mine.

Thanks for your thoughts!

Cheers

Pickles xoxo

[Doolhof]

Hi Nicole,

Families and relationships can become very mixed up can't they!

My Mum was telling me that back in her grand parent's day, a wife might die giving birth, so then a family friend or a second cousin would step in to help with the existing children and then become the next wife.

Mum was trying to explain some of the family history to me and it all became a little confusing. I recently met a couple of great Aunts who were sisters to each other but had a "Mum" who was also a sister or something strange like that.

Then there are the people brought up in a family who think their parents had a child late in life to find out that child was actually their sister's daughter.

We have friends who are bringing up their grand child as their child was 15 years old when they became the parent. That child is smothered with love and care.

No matter what information you find out during your journey, remember that just like all of us, you can not turn back time and change anything.

You can accept what has happened. You can continue to love yourself and those who love you. You can plan for tomorrow.

You can learn to let go of any grief, pain, sense of loss and heartache that you come across along your journey.

I admire your courage and determination! I wish you well.

Cheers for now from Lauren

[Pixie15]

Hi Pickles,

It is lovely that you feel so passionately about caring for your own children. I can understand it I guess. I would of loved a daughter myself but it was not meant to be. Still you need to be able to walk a day in someone else's shoes and face their issues in order to understand. There are a lot of family assistance programs now which make it easier to get by.

I am not trying defend your parents. However it is still the case that if your are deemed unfit because you have a health issue you may not have a choice. 

cheers,

Pixie.

[Pickles_McFadeyen]

Hello Pixie and Lauren,

Just thought I'd touch base with you and others on this thread, that I have had my meet and greet with my eldest brother.

He emailed me the day after my birthday, asking for a meeting, and sent me 3 photos of my birth parents.

My first look at them ever, and OMG, I now know where this face in the mirror comes from. I can see the most remarkable resemblance, and I guess big brother did too, therefore prompting the meet and greet.

Even though eldest brother lives overseas, he just so happened to be in Aus for a month, visiting other family and friends.

Stroke of luck, indeed!!

So, as it turns out, he looks like me, and he is a really nice person. He hated his childhood though, and that makes me feel guilty that I had a better upbringing. He feels jipped that he missed out on growing up with his sister.

I guess this is only natural.

He and his brother (aka second oldest brother), have had a falling out, and don't really speak to each other, except for me coming into the picture. My details have been passed on to second oldest brother, now it's up to him.

He advised me that his parents were heavy drinkers, heavy smokers, ate unhealthily, and never excercised.

It is this reason, and the fact that birth father was a wife beater, that he assumes they gave me up for adoption.

They were not fit to take care of another child.

Eldest brother and second oldest, did not have any clue whatsoever that I existed. All the eldest remembers is that his mother spent a few days in hospital when they lived in Townsville. Yep, giving birth to me, and adopting me out.

He went on to assume that the "no contact" with second oldest brother, would have been the same reaction my birth parents would have given me, if they were alive. That to me, would be heartbreaking.

So, I no longer do my head in with the why's.

I'm focusing on what I can do to get healthier, as I have now been given some medical history.

Birth parents died from Lung cancer, and Type 2 diabetes, among other things.

We are friends on facebook, so we have a constant contact, but I'm keen to get to know him better.

I realize that I am a random person who is all of a sudden his sister, and that he'll need some time to wrap his head around this, so I guess that patience will be my virtue.

After all, I'm still waiting for contact from the other brother!

But, life goes on!

We do, however have a FUTURE as brother and sister, so that's my focus.

 Cheers

Nicole

[Pixie15]

Hi Pickles,

Thanks for the update. Glad you have had the opportunity to start to get to know your brother. Although I am feeling a bit guilty now because I do not have much contact with my brothers and I did grow up with them. At least now you have some idea of your parents and maybe they did their best considering their own particular circumstances. 

cheers,

Pixie.

[Pickles_McFadeyen]

Hello again Pixie,

 Yes, I do feel as though my birth parents did the right thing giving me up, as I landed in the laps of two of the most amazing people, who are still together after 48 years.

Perhaps you now have the motivation to get in contact with your brothers. There's no time like now.

My husband's got 2 younger half brothers that we have forged very strong relationships with, and it's ever so rewarding.

Cheers

Pickles

[Doolhof]

Hi Pickles,

I just stumbled upon your post. That is excellent news that your older brother and yourself have managed to be in such good contact with each other.

There are many families that grew up together that now have nothing to do with each other and they carry the feud on for years, so it is wonderful you now have this contact.

I hope you will not be too disappointment if your other brother does not contact you. All of this may have totally thrown him in some way. Who knows how such news could affect someone.

Wishing you all the best with this new brother of yours!

I never had a brother, but do have a very dear friend whom I have known since I was 10 who calls himself my adopted big brother. He isn't there for me as much as he used to me, but it is still cool to know that he is still around.

Cheers for now from Lauren

[Pickles_McFadeyen]

Hi Lauren,

Well, things are at a staling point, and something's gotta give!

I've had no contact at all in the last 6 months from the eldest brother I had met, and things are not going so great after all.

Still haven't heard from other brother, the one who wants nothing to do with me. But that's no surprise.

I am at the point where I want to give an ultimatum to either let me go, or engage in some conversation to start building a brother/sister relationship.

I can't go on living in this bubble of no acknowledgement or recognition that I even exist.

It's too emotionally draining.

I have sent a couple of messages being encouraging, and letting him know that I am hear for him, but I feel it is all landing on deaf ears, and I now think that he only met me out of curiosity, not a brotherly instinct.

How long am I expected to sit and wait for a hello? A year? 5 years? 10?

The new Adele song hits home with me! At least I can say I tried.

I do have a wonderful life filled with wonderful family and friends, so am I wasting my time and energy on a brother who it seems has rejected me also?

I'm feeling confused and frustrated over the whole situation.

I know I should be patient, but even 6 months of patience is testing, how can I go on any longer if his heart is not in it?

Trying to keep hope, but it's fading!

Cheers

Pickles