Partner has checked out

[Luigi5000]

Hi, 

I dont know how to help my partner. We are booked to get married in July and have been together for over 5 years. Lately she has completely shut down from our relationship. She spends all weekend every weekend in bed and rarely leaves the house for anything other than work. I am really concerned about her as she doesnt eat, sleep or drink properly anymore. She spends most of her time on Instagram. She lets every little thing really effect her to the point it makes her shut down. Anything slightly stressful and she also completely shuts down.

I cant imagine myself with anyone else and 100% want to get married to her and start a family with her, but with someone with their own anxiety issues who is seeing a psychologist it is often effecting my mental health. 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life and your relationship that is testing you so greatly. 

While being a 'sensitive' or 'feeler' is something that's regarded in some circles as an ability, it can definitely feel like a curse or like hell on earth at times, that's for sure. In other circles, this nature is classed as a problem or a fault, leading to the belief 'There's something wrong with me that needs to be fixed'. Let's go with the 'ability' angle as I ask you to develop your ability to gain a better sense of or feel for what could be going on with your partner.

• Do you get a sense that all the wedding planning has been exhausting her or overwhelming her, on top of work and everyday stuff?
• Do you get a sense that maybe she's shut down somewhat because she could be taking on other people's feelings (their stress or excitement etc) and is trying to block them out so they don't overwhelm her? Does she feel the need to isolate herself from others for a break?
• Do you get a sense that maybe Instagram is the one thing offering her not just the feeling of relief or escapism but also a feeling of much needed lighthearted amusement? Btw, if she's someone who struggles with challenging inner dialogue, Instagram might be something that switches that off for her
• Do you get a sense that maybe she just doesn't now how to feel right now and it's easier to stay in bed and not feel anything (apart from Instagram)

Not sure. Just a handful of things to consider and perhaps some things worth asking her. Not always easy to get a sense of things; sometimes we need to just flat out ask people.

If your partner's somewhat of a reader, 'Sensitive Is The New Strong' by Anita Moorjani could end up being something helpful to her. I figure, if she doesn't want to get out of bed while at home, could pay for her to research her nature while in bed. You could always consider just buying the book for her, as a gift, and leaving it on the bedside table. If she's a major feeler, she'll feel a calling to eventually read the book or parts of it.

I think something important for you to consider involves the idea that this is a 'next level' challenge for you. Try not to think along the lines of 'What's wrong with me? I was doing so well up 'til now'. Consider instead 'If I can master feeling my way through this challenge, this is going to put me on a whole new level of self mastery'. New levels demand the development of new skills, tools and abilities. The question becomes 'Which skills, tools or abilities am I being challenged to develop right now?'. Which ones are going to lead you to graduate to next level? 

[randomxx]

Hi there op and very sorry about the pressure of the situation you must be feeling and trying to cope with under her circumstances.

l'm thinking it could be one of two things as it's gotten so bad lately. Maybe she is overwhelmed with the marriage coming up situation and all the organizing and of the future from there but especially the wedding day itself and actually getting to that and through it. All that stuff is absolutely huge to some people especially women , sadly.

Who's actually been organizing things if she's in this state ? 

The second thing l'd be really concerned about would be is she still even actually feeling the same about the marriage and you guys, still even actually want to get married ?

l think this is something you really really need to gently but truly find out and hear from her own mouth exactly how she is honestly feeling.

But also, be reflecting yourself to and on how your feeling because if she's become like this now after only 5 yrs and at a time like this now,imagine later on in a few yrs time when the real life is underway. Kids and mortgages and life pressures and your actual relationship, that all takes a dependable person on both sides, you can't afford to be carrying her the whole way all this now has been the easy part but she's completely checking out and collapsing on it all and on you. This is sadly unfortunately no time for rug sweeping or hoping it all just goes away.

Does she still love you and still love you guys as a couple, a team, a forever partnership, does she still actually want to spend the rest of her life with you, is she still in love ? You really need to know the truth l'm sorry.

Thing is,  around the 3-4-5 yr mark is about when we really start to feel either way - about the relationship and the other person as our match for life and our feelings for them and have gotten to know them n a much realer way.

Rx.

[trying_my_best]

Hi! Firstly I want to say congratulations on your wedding! I also am engaged and hope to get to the “finish line” as well! 

I really feel for you in this situation, as my partner goes through episodes such as this as well, and I could only imagine how hard it would be so close to the wedding. This may sound silly, but I was wondering if you have tried communicating with her regarding your feelings surrounding this and seeing where she is at? 

I know from experience sometimes it can look different on the outside compared to the inside and what we observe isn’t always the full story? If you haven’t already it may be a good idea to touch base with your partner, maybe even to take the pressure off you can plan it like a low pressure pre-wedding date night! A night of warm cozy connection can sometimes be very healing (I know I have found this to be healing when I have had my shut down episodes).

Wishing you the best 🫶